it was the most beautiful day i can remember sucking on an icee that made my mouth as blue as the sky doing 80 while your thom yorke was in my head i swear everyone was staring at me like i was wearing you for a swimsuit and i know i reeked of sex it was in my hands so tired the way the lake water laps at you when the boats speed by faster then slower and almost still as thirsty as i've ever been the salt from your palm though i picked up pieces of me from off the brown carpet scattered like my clothes wadded wrinkled wondering where they went or how to put them back or if i wanted to feel anything again to let you in any other way than between my legs maybe you'll break through if you keep trying thrust all the way into my heart you give this up to me a wild horse running my doublespeak triplespeak you gave me permission now we're wound tightly in it i fear this is not what you intended we're one way in type divided highway otherwise what about our together hollow wistfulness no we're not alone the gaps between two states only the first hungry weak tell me where he said say when hard words fall out of your mouth that tastes like me and strawberries watching the half moon through strange choppy maple leaves the coolness of the breeze the blackness of your shirt soft smell of mint somewhere in that few minutes i left my body i asked Him please tell me what to do i don't understand His answer and now my throat is swollen for three days i wonder if i'm killing myself selfishly this way he asked me about where to stop five seconds of furious mental calculations rushed to give an answer its a one-way bridge a new virginity for every man i had to hurry an answer take the leap of this faith and he must have been a boyscout "always prepared" on this fast train there were things i wanted to say but the next stop came too soon i didn't want to get off at "your eyes" sometimes i feel like a missionary feeding the hungry stealing my own bites when no one's looking to sate my own appetite giving myself away is the big empty prize you wouldn't hear the word always if something didn't already imply it if i could say that word so easily then you'd know i couldn't possibly mean it its positively huge almost like infinity let me show you around yes we can sit on this sofa sure come into the kitchen we can dine at the table the bathroom is first door on the left there are a lot of boxes in my basement, yes spilling up into the den careful not to trip on the hall carpet i keep the mower in the garage thank you, yes, it is a big yard did you see the boy's room? you look so good on my bed sublime never return to a man who'd let you go we flatter ourselves thinking we're different, special just remember the last one thought so too delicate cycle lets say he has two shirts the one he got a few years ago he never liked wearing but did anyway and the one he just bought that he thinks is fucking terrific and wears all the time shirts all go in the same pile when they've been worn he never said anything about her that was worse than things former lovers said about me every forgotten word glances from those eyes copious praise the deeper the well the deeper i fall he offers a million possibilities streaming from that fountain of youth a holy communion sacred elixir, he's staving infirmity at Lourdes baptisms in the Jordan face so reverent in prayer nerves and silence skirting the edge of the earth foolishly everything vital so exposed on my face dangling; waiting so much unanswered brushed to the side just background noise his own experience to insulate him from mine vice versa strangely the sun rises and sets again even in nerves and silence they'll warn you when you adopt an abused dog to expect some unusual behavior unusual reticence or agression sometimes rapid changability trouble adjusting difficulty with bonding it might be more than you can expect to tolerate in that case it seems wiser to start fresh with a puppy some people get them fresh while they're young to make training easier sometimes puppies are too ignorant too active too fragile in that case maybe the abused dog that has the general appearance and characteristics you're looking for is a better choice and worth the trouble every so often I have this flash this image of his face the second I saw it and the strangest feeling I ever remember having the mildest intensity watery sweetness taste in accordance with his scent clearly there but neutral some people are superstitious as I was once but now I just think I saw him as he was bodyless just a glow in a dark world like stars for that little instant and fates come and go as men sometimes do but living unencumbered by destiny makes our every encounter larger than our fate I am an open book written in a forgotten language in a room full of blind people and illiterates it would be nice if all that mattered in the world was the taste of melon on his lips and breath the color of his eyes the pattern of veins in his wrist when we're joking together or making him shiver by breathing on the back of his neck why it isn't I'm sure he'd ask and I wonder as well might as well ask why my eyes are blue or why the hell I'm bleeding from my rectum today for that matter what good the answer'd be I can't say who was it that said may as well miss by a mile as by the skin of our teeth? seems appropriate don't know if I should just knuckle under and carry on as if nothing has happened (he says nothing has happened) have another anxiety attack hell I could go to the shrink and say well guy life is great but I'm breaking down at least once a week can you give me a pill that makes me believe things are great and maybe that'd work for a while I'd do it if I thought it might I don't want it to stop not now after all this time and god knows how many fucking x-rated shots I sent him and beginning to get orgasmic and all plus the memories of our first few weeks when I felt SO close to him it was delightful wish I could make it like that again And a snoring George Bush on my bed wouldn't matter because we'd have so many bridges and tunnels and wires into each other but that's my dream I think not his He's happy as is and I'm sorry I'm not Like not a think in the world is wrong Seems he's been possessed by the ghost of ex lines almost rehearsed to schedule poking every raw wound I have me with fits all the time nausea and anxiety amnesia he doesn't understand and I can't explain it right Sometimes all I see is that sweetfaced high school boy fresh with promise beautiful and blonde streaks the kind of guy who would've never dated me back then And I want to take him inside me invent some special dance of joy but he only asks quizzically why I'm smiling Ah, finally, all day I've been waiting for these tears release at last the airtight seal broken to vent watching it slip out of sight the coldness of him passing me by going outside at 2am for a beer oh please let's find a way out of this please stop 45 miles away in a bar maybe the replay or harbor or sitting around his apartment fuck I can't imagine wondering what the fuck is up about his girlfriend or his ex girlfriend he isn't sure but he'd do anything to make it work he said and that flattered me at the time wow nobody ever said that it sounded better that way but now I can't tell is this anything? he replies that's something don't know if we can ever arrive on common ground maybe if I can stop feeling like dirt and if I'm just crazy then it won't matter maybe it's like a car crash head injury I can fade away into nothingness locked up ranting and childish another name to pop up in his diary among a dozen more to come But it would be a nice thing to be the last name on his list of names of girls he's compiled the last phone number aquired too bad it isnt' that easy it's not that easy I'm having trouble breathing So I'll wander around empty bleeding hovering around the monitor and carrying the cordless like a baby can't leave it behind pictures in my head of his tonge out eyes locked licking like a cat sweet cream and thinking it's too bad I should have told him yes he could bring me a beer before he got up to go downstairs and leave me and when he came back with it I should've told him to finish me off because he was doing it so well and I wanted more if only I had this would've blown over and I'd have come like a freight train i can't fix it kiss it make it better careful, healing words keeping clean, groomed, pretty smiling volunteer forced enthusiasm overact sex cook, clean, more smiling buy beer i can't fix it he's broke softly surreal the eastern horizon a mass of lightning mostly to the north the temperature with no chill the heat dissipated what parts of the moon could stay uncovered by cloud lit everything to an inky purple with me relaxed thinking about the shape of his ankle or the feel of my face against his chest soothing and mildly erotic every one of those 45 miles