it was the most beautiful day i can remember
sucking on an icee that made my mouth as blue as the sky
doing 80 while your thom yorke was in my head
i swear everyone was staring at me
like i was wearing you for a swimsuit
and i know i reeked of sex it was in my hands
so tired the way the lake water laps at you
when the boats speed by faster then slower and almost still
as thirsty as i've ever been the salt from your palm
though i picked up pieces of me from off the brown carpet
scattered like my clothes wadded wrinkled
wondering where they went or how to put them back
or if i wanted to feel anything again
to let you in any other way than between my legs
maybe you'll break through if you keep trying
thrust all the way into my heart you give this up to me
a wild horse running
my doublespeak triplespeak
you gave me permission now
we're wound tightly
in it i fear
this is not what you intended
we're one way in type
divided highway otherwise
what about
our together
hollow wistfulness
no we're not
alone
the gaps
between two states
only the first
hungry
weak
tell me where
he said
say when
hard words
fall out
of your mouth
that tastes
like me and
strawberries
watching the half
moon through
strange choppy
maple leaves
the coolness of the
breeze the blackness
of your shirt
soft smell of mint
somewhere in that
few minutes
i left my body
i asked
Him please
tell me what to do
i don't understand His answer
and now
my throat is swollen
for three days i wonder if
i'm killing myself selfishly this way
he asked me
about where to stop
five seconds of furious mental calculations
rushed to give an answer
its a one-way bridge
a new virginity for every man
i had to hurry an answer
take the leap of this faith
and he must have been a boyscout
"always prepared"
on this fast train
there were things i wanted to say
but the next stop came too soon
i didn't want to get off at "your eyes"
sometimes i feel
like a missionary feeding the hungry
stealing my own bites when no one's
looking to sate my own appetite
giving myself away is the big empty prize
you wouldn't hear
the word always
if something didn't
already imply it
if i could say that
word so easily then
you'd know i couldn't
possibly mean it
its positively huge
almost like infinity
let me show you around
yes we can sit on this sofa
sure come into the kitchen
we can dine at the table
the bathroom is first door on the left
there are a lot of boxes
in my basement, yes
spilling up into the den
careful not to trip on the hall carpet
i keep the mower in the garage
thank you, yes, it is a big yard
did you see the boy's room?
you look so good on my bed
sublime
never return
to a man
who'd let you go
we flatter
ourselves thinking
we're different, special
just remember
the last one
thought so too
delicate cycle
lets say he has
two shirts
the one he got a few years ago
he never liked wearing
but did anyway
and
the one he just bought
that he thinks is
fucking terrific
and wears all the time
shirts all go
in the same pile when
they've been worn
he never
said anything
about her
that was worse
than things
former lovers
said
about
me
every forgotten word
glances from those eyes
copious praise
the deeper the well
the deeper i fall
he offers
a million possibilities
streaming from that fountain of youth
a holy communion
sacred elixir, he's
staving infirmity at Lourdes
baptisms in the Jordan
face so reverent
in prayer
nerves and silence
skirting the edge
of the earth foolishly
everything vital
so exposed on my face
dangling; waiting
so much unanswered
brushed to the side
just background noise
his own experience
to insulate him from
mine vice versa
strangely the sun rises
and sets again even in
nerves and silence
they'll warn you
when you adopt an abused dog
to expect some unusual behavior
unusual reticence or
agression sometimes rapid
changability trouble adjusting
difficulty with bonding
it might be more than
you can expect to tolerate
in that case it seems wiser to start
fresh with a puppy some
people get them fresh
while they're young
to make training easier
sometimes puppies
are too ignorant too
active too fragile in that case maybe
the abused dog that has the general
appearance and characteristics you're
looking for is a better choice
and worth the trouble
every so often I have
this flash this image of his
face
the second I saw it
and the strangest
feeling I ever remember having
the mildest intensity watery sweetness
taste in accordance with his scent
clearly there but neutral
some people are superstitious
as I was once but now I just think
I saw him as he was
bodyless just a glow
in a dark world like stars
for that little instant
and fates come and go
as men sometimes do but
living unencumbered by destiny
makes our every
encounter larger
than our fate
I am an open book written in a forgotten language in a room full of blind people and illiterates
it would be nice if all that mattered in the world
was the taste of melon on his lips and breath
the color of his eyes
the pattern of veins in his wrist
when we're joking together
or making him shiver by breathing on the back of his neck
why it isn't
I'm sure he'd ask and I wonder as well
might as well ask why my eyes are blue
or why the hell I'm bleeding from my rectum today
for that matter
what good the answer'd be I can't say
who was it that said
may as well miss by a mile as by the skin of our teeth?
seems appropriate
don't know if I should just knuckle under
and carry on as if nothing has happened (he says nothing has happened)
have another anxiety attack
hell I could go to the shrink
and say well guy life is great but I'm breaking down
at least once a week can you give me a pill
that makes me believe things are great
and maybe that'd work for a while
I'd do it if I thought it might
I don't want it to stop not now
after all this time and god knows how many fucking
x-rated shots I sent him and beginning to get orgasmic
and all plus the memories of our first few weeks when I felt
SO close to him it was delightful
wish I could make it like that again
And a snoring George Bush on my bed wouldn't matter
because we'd have so many bridges
and tunnels and wires into each other
but that's my dream I think not his
He's happy as is and I'm sorry I'm not
Like not a think in the world is wrong
Seems he's been possessed by the ghost of ex
lines almost rehearsed to schedule
poking every raw wound I have
me with fits all the time nausea and anxiety
amnesia he doesn't understand
and I can't explain it right
Sometimes all I see is that sweetfaced high school boy
fresh with promise beautiful and blonde streaks
the kind of guy who would've never dated me back then
And I want to take him inside me
invent some special dance of joy
but he only asks quizzically why I'm smiling
Ah, finally, all day I've been waiting for these tears
release at last the airtight seal broken to vent
watching it slip out of sight
the coldness of him passing me by
going outside at 2am for a beer
oh please let's find a way out of this please stop
45 miles away in a bar maybe the replay or harbor
or sitting around his apartment
fuck I can't imagine wondering
what the fuck is up about his girlfriend
or his ex girlfriend he isn't sure
but he'd do anything to make it work he said
and that flattered me at the time
wow nobody ever said that
it sounded better that way but now I can't tell
is this anything? he replies that's something
don't know if we can ever arrive on common ground
maybe if I can stop feeling like dirt
and if I'm just crazy then it won't matter
maybe it's like a car crash head injury
I can fade away into nothingness
locked up ranting and childish
another name to pop up in his diary
among a dozen more to come
But it would be a nice thing
to be the last name on his list
of names of girls he's compiled
the last phone number aquired
too bad it isnt' that easy it's not that easy
I'm having trouble breathing
So I'll wander around empty bleeding
hovering around the monitor and carrying the cordless
like a baby can't leave it behind
pictures in my head of his tonge out eyes locked
licking like a cat sweet cream
and thinking it's too bad
I should have told him yes he could bring me a beer
before he got up to go downstairs and leave me
and when he came back with it I should've told him
to finish me off because he was doing it so well
and I wanted more if only I had this would've blown over
and I'd have come like a freight train i can't fix it
kiss it make it better
careful, healing words
keeping clean, groomed, pretty
smiling
volunteer forced enthusiasm
overact sex
cook, clean, more smiling
buy beer
i can't fix it
he's broke
softly surreal
the eastern horizon a mass of lightning
mostly to the north
the temperature with no chill
the heat dissipated
what parts of the moon could stay uncovered by cloud lit everything to an inky purple
with me relaxed
thinking about the shape of his ankle
or the feel of my face against his chest
soothing and mildly erotic
every one of those 45 miles