All the boys are getting ready to board the Titanic. They all have their first class tickets in hand, ready to board, their manager tells them one last thing.
Manager: OK, Howie, I'm putting you in charge of nick. He must be watched at all times.
Howie: Why not make Kevin do it? He's the oldest. Now I know why everyone thinks I'm gay, cause you always put me in charge of the gay boy himself!
Nick: Hey, I sure do like these room assignments.
Howie: (under his breath) I don't.
Kevin: (snicker).
AJ: (small laugh).
Brian: Well, this will give me a chance to spend time with my best friend, Nick.
Nick: But Brian, I thought you said we could--"
Brian: Shut up nick.
On the ship...
AJ: Me and Kevin are sleeping in this room, and you and Brian and gay boy get to sleep next door.
Nick: Did I here someone call my name?
Kevin: No gay boy, shut up.
Howie: Why exactly do we have to ride on this stupid ship anyways? Can't we just ride in a plane like normal people?
Kevin: No, because it's 1912 and there aren't any airplanes that can takes us over water this far, and we have a concert in New York to be at.
Howie: Oh.
Brian: Well, let's all get unpacked, and then we can enjoy our stay on the ship.
Howie: I get the feeling some of us will enjoy it more than others.
Nick: Huh?
Howie: Shut up gay boy.
Later, the night of the ship sinking (yeah, I know, I just totally ruined the story for you, the ship sinks)In the dining room, nick and Brian are in a
secluded area, where it's really dark and no one can tell who they are.
Nick: I'm so glad we get to have this time alone
Brian. (takes Brian's hands into his)
Brian: You know why I love you nick...
Nick: No, why, tell me.
Brian: Because you look like a girl. A really pretty girl.
Nick: You really think so? I've tried so hard…
Brian: I know you have. And I know all that 'I've got a big ego' stuff is an act. Inside you are just a really stupid guy that just does what he does
because people scream when he does it.
Nick: You know me inside and out Brian. I'm so glad you care about me. I love you Frick.
Brian: I love you frack. (sings) I'd walk halfway around the world with just one kiss from you, far beyond the call of love the sun the stars the moon...
Nick: Oh Brian, you know I tear up everytime you sing that song...
Meanwhile, on the boat deck…
Howie: (he's talking to himself, because I couldn't express his thoughts any
other way) Well, at least nick went to eat dinner with Brian. Finally, and hour without him. (Sees Kevin walking towards him) Hey Kev,wassup?
Kevin: Yo man, I just saw this fine girl, and her name is Rose. Accept some
dude told me she's real high class, you know, and her mom hates singers. And
she's engaged. Doesn't that suck?
Howie: Yeah, that sucks man. Where is she right now?
Kevin: Over there, on that railing.
Howie: Hey, doesn't it look like she's about to jump off?
Kevin: Yeah, it kinda… wait a second! She is jumping off!
Howie: Go save her man!
Meanwhile, AJ has to find peace away from the crazy saga known as the BsB, so
he goes out on the boat deck and looks out over the water.
TeenyBopper # 1: Hey, isn't that AJ from the BsB?
TeenyBopper # 2: You mean the other BsB have names? I thought it was just
Nick, Brian, and those other three guys that know them
TeenyBopper # 1: Well, whoever it is, he might know nick. Let's go rip off
his clothes!
TeenyBopper 1 & 2: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
AJ: What the… AHH!! (Runs off in the other direction of the teenyboppers)
TeenyBopper 1 & 2: We want nick! We want nick!
AJ: Heeeeellllpppp meeeee…..
Meanwhile…
Kevin: Don't jump!
Rose: Who are you!?
Kevin: Mine name is Kevin and you are really fine so don't jump!
Rose: Oh, well that's very encouraging.
Kevin: Well… uhh… (thinks of something suave to say) If you jump in, you are
so fine I would have to dive right in after you, and then we'd both freeze to
death in that cold as hell water. You don't want to kill me,do you?
Rose: Well, I suppose not, but…
Kevin: Come on, just come back on this side of the railing and we can talk
about it.
Rose: Well, ok. (Climbs back up the railing. And then she trips with her
stupid high heels and falls, but then Kevin and his nice strong body pull her
back up)
Rose: You saved my life!!
Kevin: Kinda ironic, huh? You were gonna jump off, but then you just ended up
falling anyways.
The Dawson's Creek Dude (you know, Dawson?):Unhand my fiancée!
Kevin: Fiancée?!
Dawson: Yes, my fiancée.
Kevin: How old are you, like, 13?
Dawson: No! I'm 21! I just play a 15 year old on TV! Wait a second, there
wasn't any TV in 1912… I play a 15 year old on the radio… or something like
that. Anyways, what were you doing with my wife!?
Rose: He saved my life!
Kevin: Yeah, she, uh, fell, over the railing, and I, uh, caught her.
Dawson: Oh. Well. That's wonderful. Why don't you join us for dinner tonight?
Kevin: Uhhh…. I dunno…..
Rose: Please?
Kevin: OK!
Meanwhile…
Howie: (talking to himself again) I hope Kevin saved that Rose girl OK.
Voice in the distance: Ahhhh….
Howie: Where have I heard that sound before…
Voice in distance: Ahhhh…. (gets louder)
Howie: Oh yes, now I remember…
Voice in distance: Ahhhh…. (gets louder)
Howie: It was a concert in Tokyo…
Voice in distance: Ahhhh…. (gets louder)
Howie: And AJ was being chased by a bunch of screaming--(AJ runs by, screaming his head off and his shirt is half ripped off, followed by about 50
teenyboppers, hands outstretched.)
Howie: girls. Hmm. It's too bad everyone thinks I look like a troll...
Meanwhile, the dining room that nick and Brian were in has turned into a gay
strip joint because there was nothing better to do with it after dinner time.
Brian and Nick: (Up on a stage, Brian doesn't have his shirt on, nick does)
(singing) Get Down, get down, and move it all around... your lips they taste
so sweet… (they stick their tongues out at each other, and Brian reaches to
unbutton Nick's shirt.)
Nick: Noooooooo!!!!
Brian: (jumps back) (music stops)
Nick: You can't take off my shirt because then everyone will see my ugly
toothpick chest…and fat belly (runs off the stage crying)
Brian: (Shrugs his shoulders and continues singing and stripping)
Meanwhile, Kevin goes to dinner.
Rose: What are you wearing?
Kevin: You don't like it? (He's wearing his same gay outfit he wore in INBYH
in his apartment)
Rose: It's very, um, original.
Kevin: I know, I picked it out myself!
Rose: No wonder...
Meanwhile, AJ thinks he's finally lost the teenyboppers.
AJ: (Pant, pant, pant.)
Teenybopper: Where'd he go?
AJ: Oh dear, I can't run any longer.
Different Teenybopper: In here!
AJ: Uh-oh.
Another Teenybopper: There he is!
An annoying teenybopper: Maybe nick touched the shirt he's wearing!
Yet another teenybopper: Get it!! (Teenyboppers start grabbing at AJ from
everywhere, and they grab him everywhere)
AJ: Heeeeeellllllpppp meeeee……
After Dinner…
Dawson: We're all going to the smoking room. You want to come, Kevin?
Kevin:
Uhhh…. No thanks.(Dawson, and everyone else leave)
Kevin: We're all alone now Rose, what do you want to do?
Rose: I don't know, maybe we could go dancing somewhere and then afterwards
go have sex in somebody's car.
Kevin: Good idea. I know a good dancing place, but you're going to have to
tell me where they keep all the cars.
Meanwhile....
Howie:Geez, this place sure is boring. Isn't there anyone out there who
thinks I don't look like a troll? Someone? Anyone? Please…. (Kevin and Rose
walk by) Hmmm… I wonder where they're going. Maybe I should follow them and
find out.
After sobbing for nearly half an hour, Nick decides to take a walk on the
boat deck. He sees about fifty girls ripping clothes off of something. A
piece of cloth flies right past his face.
Nick: Hmm, looks like AJ's shirt. Oh, look, it is AJ! They're all ripping
clothes off AJ. Cool! Maybe I should do something. Do I have a reason to save
AJ? No, I don't think so, the only person I'd ever save is Kevin, because
without him I would never have gotten to meet Brian. (Sigh.)
But Nick doesn't know that in talking to himself he let the teenyboppers hear
him, so in the blink of an eye they are all off the nearly naked AJ, and
start ripping clothes off of Nick.
Nick: No! Now all the Teenyboppers will know that I have toothpicks for a
chest! And that I have a fat belly!
They will never buy our cd's. They make up 97.34% (not real number) of
our merchandise sales!
AJ: (runs off, wearing only boxers, not caring whether nick was being
molested or murdered)
Meanwhile, in a loud dance club looking sort of thing in the lower decks…
Kevin: Welcome to the best dance club on the Titanic, the Futuristic Dance
Arena. In the future they're supposed to have this music called 'disco'.
Rose: It's very, um, interesting.
Howie: (he's kinda back still at the door after following Kevin and Rose, and
he's talking to himself) Cool! A disco club in the 1912's! I'm the happiest
man alive…
Kevin starts dancing like a turtle with Rose, and Howie breaks down and gets
funky with his bad self. For awhile, Howie's dancing is the hit of the party
until...
Some dude: Hey, look at that guy, he's ugly! What's that thing in his eye?
Some lady: He's got the ugliest jeri curls I've ever seen!
Another person:
Hey dude, stop dancing! You're ugly! We hate ugly people here! Ugly people
can't dance!
Howie: (stops dancing) But you guys thought I was a good dancer 5 seconds ago!
Some dude: Yeah, well, now we think you're ugly, so every opinion we have
about you changes.
Howie: That's not fair!
Some lady: Tough luck, chick.
Howie: (leaves dance floor and sulks in a corner)(talks to himself again) Why
does everyone think I'm ugly? It's not my fault my parents had curly hair.
It's not my fault my dad was a Latino so I got greasy hair. It's not my fault
that one of my eyeballs always seems to be a little bit bigger than the other. It's not my fault I twitch.
Caroline: (ok, I had to make a special appearance in this story) I think
you're cute.
Howie: Huh?
Caroline: I like your curls.
Howie: You do?!!?
Someone… someone likes me?!?
Caroline: Uh-huh. And even like your eyes.
Howie: I'm… I'm speechless, will, will you marry me?
Caroline: Um, sure, why not?
Howie: Omigod! Someone actually likes me! (faints from excitement)
Caroline: Hello?
Meanwhile, Brian decides to take a stroll after he gets all his clothes back
on. He notices a pile of girls, shreading something to pieces.
Brian: Nick! My Nick-ay! What are you girls doing to him?
Brian: Nick, are you ok?!?
Nick: (in some what of a state of shock) they… they… took… took… my… my…
shirt... shirt...
Brian: Oh, my poor frack! I will take care of you! (carries him off to their
bunk)
Back in the dance club
Kevin: Oh, Rose, I love you…
Rose: Great, now we can go find that car and have some sex!
Kevin: Woo-hoo!
Howie: (wakes up, on the other side of the dance club)(He's still talking to
his only fan in the world) I'm the happiest person in the world! I have a
fan! (starts dancing and singing) I have a fan… I have a fan…
Caroline: Shh… I don't want people to know I like you! It would be
embarrassing!
Howie: Oh, of course it would. I'm so sorry.
Outside of AJ's room…
AJ: Finally, I'm here. This ship is so damn big. Whose stupid idea was that?
Oh well, at least now I can get into some clothes. (AJ puts his hand on the
door when…)
Teeny Bopper # 1: Revenge of the teenyboppers!
AJ: Help me god!
Teenybopper # 2: We know you don't like nick, so we must torture you!
AJ: Oh no, angry nick teenyboppers. This is the worst thing in the world.
Teenybopper # 3: We will torture you with our annoying little voice, and we
will tell you how hot and sexy nick is and we will tell you we will marry him
some day, and then we will bitch you out about how we're going to get our
lawyer on you to sue you for saying such mean things about Nick, and then
we're going to back all of our opinions up with we have freedom of speech!
AJ: NOOOOOO!!!!
The teenybopper gang of about 15 proceed to tie AJ up to a chair so he has no
way of getting out of their bitching.
Somewhere near the Titanic, on an iceburg-like thing…
Justin (the 'n stync boy): Hahahahaha… Yo, after the Titanic hits this
iceburg all the BsB will be dead, yo.
Chris ('n stync boy): Then all the teenyboppers will come to us!
Lance ('n stync boy): Yes, they will all bow down to Justin!
JC and Joey: Yeah!
Kevin and Rose after they had sex in a car and put on their clothes really
quick, and now they are on the boat deck near the end of the ship.
Rose: Hey, look at that pretty iceburg!
Kevin: Yeah… it sure is pretty…
Rose: Gosh, we sure are getting awfully close to it.
Kevin: I hope we don't hit it.
BOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!! (Ice shatters everywhere onto the deck. Kevin hears
faint laughing from five guys, but ignores it)
Rose: Oh dear, I think we hit it.
Kevin: Me too.
Meanwhile, in nick and Brian's room…
Nick: What was that?
Brian: I don't know, it kinda sounds like we hit something.
Nick: Oh well. At least I'm safe now.
Brian: Uh-huh. No teenyboppers can get us in here.
Teenybopper # 1: We know what room you're in! You can't hide from us! We made
AJ tell!
Teenybopper # 2: You better open up the door or we'll knock it down! Nick and
Brian: Uh-oh…
Meanwhile in a dark room on the bottom of the Titanic…
BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!
Teenybopper # 3: What was that?
Teenybopper # 4: It sounded like we hit something.
AJ: Please… I told you where nick and Brian where… let me go…
Teenybopper # 5: Nonsense! We will never let the mean things you have said
about Nick go unpunished!
AJ: Trust me! You've punished me enough!
Teenybopper # 4: Never!
AJ: Fine! Then I will use my last resort… nick is gay!
Teenybopper # 6: What did you say?!?!?!
AJ: nick is gay, nick is gay, nick is gay, nick is gay, nick is
gay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All Teenyboppers: Nooooo…. The truth, it's destroying us… help…. I'm melting…
AJ: (Attempts to squirm out of all the ropes he's tied up in.)
In Nck and Brian's room…
Brian: How can we get out of here?!?
Nick: I don't know! I'm the stupid one!
Brain: We can climb out the window, and jump down onto the deck!
Nick: Good idea!
Brian and Nick climb out the window, and Brian jumps out and lands safely.
Nick: I'm scared Brian!
Brian: Don't worry, I'll catch you! (Nick jumps and lands safely in the arms
of Brian.
Nick: Brian, you're my hero!
Down on the deck there are a bunch of people running around with bags and
getting in the lifeboats.
Brian: Excuse me, officer, what's going on?
Officer guy: (he looks really nervous) The boat is sinking. All woman and
children must get in the lifeboats, because there is only enough for half the
ship!
Nick: Oh dear, that's not good!
Officer guy: (to nick) Come on, ma'am, you must get in a boat!
Nick: But I'm not a… OK! Cool! I get a free ride in the boat for looking like
a girl!
Brian: But Nick… please, I'll miss you my love!
Nick: Yeah, whatever, I get to live and you don't! Ha ha ha haha ha!
(nick gets in a lifeboat so he can float off to safety)
Back on deck with Kevin and Rose…
Another Officer Guy: The boats sinking, you need to find yourself a lifeboat!
Kevin: Sinking?
Rose: We're sinking?
Another Officer Guy: Isn't that what I just said? Yes!
Kevin: I've got to find you a lifeboat! (Drags Rose to where the lifeboats
are)
Different Officer: Women and children only please!
Rose: But, I can't leave, you jump, I jump, remember?
Kevin: No, but if you don't want to leave you could just say so.
Rose: I don't want to leave!
Kevin: OK!
Back in the dance club…
Some officer guy: Excuse me, may I have everyone's attention? The boat is
sinking!
Everyone: What?!?
Some officer guy: It's sinking, but they have to let all the upper class
people on the lifeboats first. If there's anymore room left, you guys can get
on. We're going to lock you guys down here, OK?
Howie: But I'm first class!
Some officer guy: Then why are you down here?
Howie: Because someone down here likes me!
Some officer guy: That's pretty hard to imagine. I mean, come on, you look
like a troll! Why would anyone like you?
Back on the deck…
Brian: How can I live with out my frack? How can I survive? How can I go on
living?
So, Brian decides to jump off the edge off the ship and drown in the icy
water. It's too bad really, but that was the death of Brian.
Back below the decks, Howie is standing against a locked gate with a guard on
the opposite side. There are a bunch of lower class people behind him begging
to get out too.
Howie: Please, you've got to let me out! I'm part of the band know as The
Backstreet Boys. I'm riding in upper class!
Guard: But, you are a Latino.
Howie: Of course I'm a Latino, my dad was Puerto Rican!
Guard: So that means you are traveling in lower class. No Latinos allowed
upstairs.
Howie: But, please, I've got to get back up there!
Guard: You are a troll. If you were in a band you would have to be cute. But
you are a troll.
Howie: I'm not a troll! Damn it, I'm not a troll! Please! Why do people call
me a troll! There are some people in this world that don't think I'm a troll.
Guard: That is very hard to believe. There are no troll Latinos allowed
upstairs.
Howie: (spies AJ running from something) AJ!! I'm so glad you're here!Tell
this guy that I'm riding in first class!
AJ: (Still has just his boxers on and is bruised up from being beaten up by
teenyboppers)(Pushes and shoves people out of the way so he can talk to
Howie)
Howie: What happened to you? You look like...!
AJ: Don't ask. Listen man, we have to get up there. We're riding in first
class, and we need to get off this boat.
Guard: You aren't wearing any clothes. No troll Latinos or naked people
allowed upstairs.
AJ: Please, we have to go up!
Guard: You have pink hair! You are a pink haired Cretan!
AJ: I don't have pink hair! My hair is red!
Guard: No troll Latinos and no naked pink haired Cretans allowed upstairs!!
Teenyboppers: Ahhhh!! We have come to get you, guy who made fun of Nick!
AJ: Oh damn.
(AJ starts running, but realizes the only places to run are toward the gate,
or toward the girls. So, he has to run towards the teenyboppers, because the
other way's a dead end. Once he reaches the teenyboppers, he tries to run
straight through them, but it is impossible. There are hundreds of them. They
all grab him and jump on him and kill him. And that was the death of AJ.)
Later, Howie and all the rest of the lower class people are all waist deep in
water.
Howie: You've got to let us out of here! We're going to drown!
Guard: No troll Latinos allowed upstairs!
(All of a sudden, the water over powers the lower decks, and a big wave of
water comes at the poor lower class people. It drowns them all. And that was
the death of Howie.)
Back on the top deck…
(Kevin and Rose are at the front of the ship because the back is starting to
sink into the water. Now we're going to skip the part where Kevin saves Rose
and the boat totally sinks, because that's boring, and we are going to go
straight to the part when they are in the freezing cold water and Rose is on
the nice warm board and Kevin's freezing in the water.)
Kevin: Hey, Rose, why don't you move over so I can sit on the board with you?
Rose: Because you're a train and you'll make it sink!
Kevin: Come on, I'm freezing here!
Rose: No, there's not enough room!
Kevin: Are you kidding? That board is as big as a king-sized matress. And we
did it in a tiny car! How can you call that not big enough for two people to
lie on? Now let go of the board and let me on!
Rose: I'll never let go Kevin…
Kevin: Let go of the damn board!
Rose: I'll never let go…
(She bonks Kevin on the head with a smaller bored and knocks him unconscious.
Then she peels his fingers off the edge of the board and shoves him off. And
that was the death of Kevin.)
***This story was written from someone I don't know.
Vic (You know who you are) found it and sent it to me. Thankyou!