High School Named for Jefreys

KIRKWOOD -- The students of Kirkwood High School were shocked when they arrived for classes this morning. It seems their high school has been renamed in honor of two famous alums, Matt Zimmer and Bryan Erwin of the rock band the Jefreys. K (now J) HS principal Franklin McCallie apparently made the decision to change the school's name on his own as a final act to be remembered by before retiring at the conclusion of the school year.

"Matt and Bryan were two of the finest young men to pass through these doors," McCallie said in his daily morning announcements. "They were kind to all students in their years here be those students black, gay or potheads. It is my distinct privilege to honor them in this way."

Zimmer and Erwin knew nothing of the impending name change of their former high school, and thus were just as surprised as the students when they drove by the school and saw the new sign prominently announcing the school's name as Jefreys High School.

"It's a real honor," Erwin said. "We're not the first celebrities to go here, but we're the only ones with something named after us. I don't see anything named after Scott Bakula or that music director from Rosie O'Donnell, so that just makes this all the more special."

Zimmer agreed and added that the honor could help not only the duo's album sales, but their ongoing campaign for the presidency and vice-presidency in 2016.

"Clearly, it's presidential to have a school named after you," Zimmer said. "Usually they wait until after you're dead. Here they've gone and named the high school for us before we've even graduated college. I think that says great things about the kind of support we have in the community."

Although some parents in the community are upset over having the high school named for a band whose lyrics include references to receiving fellatio from E.T. and fathering 200 illegitimate children via sperm donation, Erwin would not let those objections spoil the honor.

"They can stick it up their ass for all I care," he said. "I mean, hey, whose name is on the sign?"

Erwin quickly returned to the podium after those comments to add that he still hoped those parents would vote for him and Zimmer in the upcoming election.