This, I guess you could say, is the story of me. The story of how I founf my true path.
What I write here is extremely personal, but perhaps it will help those confused to find
their true path. For others, perhaps it will act as a "testimonial" of sorts.
I was raised in a household that followed an extreme religious right. However, the God of
the Xians did not satisfy my soul. There was a longing for something, an emptiness.
When I was still young I began to search and study. At nine I delved into all manner of
religions. Buddhism, Catholocism, Juddaism. None of them held the answers I sought.
Shortly after I found myself drawn to what my mother called "the occult". I truly see
that word as vile and degrading. I began studying Wicca, palmistry, tarot, astrology,
numerology. I found that the Tarot helped me see inside myself, but none of the others
appeased my longing.
At thirteen I began to merely float. I gave up on my journey, working the Tarot for friends
and for pay, but quit searching for that which would fulfill me. Thus began my slow descent
Much of this may seem odd, that one so young would think such things, but the truth is that
I have never truly seen as a child sees. At five I was reading Poe, Shakespeare,
Tolkein. By seven I had read the bible through 4 times, and read Lovecraft as avidly as Kierkegaard.
But I digress.
Between thirteen and eighteen I was wild. I drank, did drugs, fought constantly and took
any girl to bed that came close to me. I never opened up to anyone, never let anyone inside
and could not understand the reasons for my anger and self-loathing. Since I couldn't grasp
what was happening inside myself, I released that pain onto the world.
After high school I went into the armed forces. For a long time I couldn't understand why
I was drawn to it. I had offers of scholarships to Washington U, MIT and several other
major schools I won't name, but I turned down each. I was still floating.
In service I was stationed in a very remote base CONUS (continental US). There I met
a magickian. A practicing Qabalist, who was happy to share his path with me when asked.
He was transferred shortly after my arrival, but it began my search anew.
Now I began searching a variety of pagan beliefs. QBH, druidism, and others. I thought
that I must be hermetic, with my particular viewpoint and intellect, thus I began practicing
what I learned of the QBH. Crowley was my idol, Kraig my constant reading. My altar was
built by hand, my athame lovingly painted.
I met my to-be-wife a few years later. I was still practicing, and thought I was happy, but
the rage still fought for control. The magic wasn't working very well, and my mind couldn't
focus. She turned out to be wiccan, which excited me. The LAST thing I needed was to fall
in love with a Xian. I thought our marriage was fruitful, bearing us two beautiful kids,
that are the reason for my existence, but no matter where we were I was unhappy.
Many times over our six years did I long for release. Suicide slowly became a prominent
thought. Suddenly I seemed to be considering it at least two to three times a week. My
studies were going poorly, my work (mundane and mystical) suffered, and my marriage began
to fall apart.
Everything I held dear, everything I loved was crashing down around my ears. My wife
started cheating on me, my kids became rebellious. I changed from job to job, and again
gave up on my magickal workings. I finally caught my wife, and she left me.
In my mind it was the end. The straw that broke the camels back if you will. For the first
time in my life I watched "The Wall" completely sober and saw how the slow walk to insanity
mirrored my own life.
The gun was cold in my hand, the chamber loaded. I stared at it for a long time. I cried,
and laughed. I screamed and raged. My soul cried out for help...and release. But I would
not let myself go in a fit of rage, so I leaned back on my learnings and calmed myself. Entered
a meditative state, seeking the will to do what I thought I longed for. Eyes closed I planted the barrel to my temple and began to squeeze the trigger.
Suddenly I saw him. The most beautiful, most magnificent creature I have ever laid eyes on.
Wolf stepped from the shadows of my mind and smiled. The smile was so full of love and
caring, that I cried. The gun dropped from my hand, and I heard Him say, "Come, run with
me. Come home, brother."
There was a feeling of peace and calmness. Finally I knew where I belonged. I had read
Native American theology and beliefs, but never thought they could apply to me. I suddenly
realized that my fall had been brought on by my unwillingness to accept my true nature, to
follow my true path. To answer the call of Wolf.
Memories flooded back. Times when, as a child, I had hurt and He had comforted me. Things
my rational mind had shut out, had refused to recognize.
The gun which almost ended my journey for good now lies at the bottom of the Mississippi
river, and Wolf walks at my side. Do I regret the time I have wasted? No. Do I wish I
could change things? Yes.
If I could I would return to my days of youth and sing with Wolf from the beginning. But,
the things I have done, cannot be undone. To all those I have hurt, I am heartfully sorry.
For the most part it was not your fault, but my own. Wolf has forgiven me, and I hope you
can as well.
In the meantime, the past few months have been amazing. My true nature is released, my
soul lightened. I walk the otherworld with him every day, allowing him to guide my steps.
The path of Wolf, Bear, Raven or any other may not be the path for all. You may find
yourself drawn to Wicca, QBH, Laveyism or something alltogether different. My request for you, brothers and sisters, is not to deny your nature. Learn from others and find your path. Don't let
others discourage or citicize. If they do, then they are trying to force their closed-minded beliefs upon you. Let them wallow in their own ignorance, but do not allow yourself to be dragged into the
pit of despair by it.
Remember Crowley, "Do what thou wilt, shall be the whole of the law."
Walk in Light, Hunt in Shadow