Alternative Miles Family History

Taken from 'The Chateaugay Record and Franklin County Democrat'

John Miles, along with daughters Ashley and Amber, made the trek from Bath, NH to Chateaugay Lake, NY in 1833 after his wife was abducted by alien dolphins, who transported her to the dark side. By the third day the children were so famished that they butchered and completly devoured both oxen while their father was out bartering with the natives. They managed to complete their journey on snowshoes in about 6 weeks, although it was rough going because of the mosquitoes and black flies, which were so thick that they were practically breathing them.

John, Ashley and Amber Miles, ca. 1833

John and his two daughters are seen in this early tintype. John's clothing was hand-made by his daughters from ox hides; these were the same oxen they devoured earlier. Notice the serious expression on their faces.

John Miles with Mother Maren and Sister Suzie

During a hunting expedition west of Chateaugay Lake, The Miles' continued onwards to St. Louis, MO, eating a steady diet of muskrats, snakes, armadillos, and other nasty-tasting varmits along the way. While in St. Louis, John visited a whorehouse, where he lost his daughters in a poker game to his own mother, who was madame of the establishment and subsequently "employed" them as "dancing" girls. Too bad John didn't notice the ace of spades stuck in his derby. To add insult to injury, not only was his mother the main culprit, but he further discovered his sister singing, dancing and drunkenly cavorting in the same establishment. Notice Sister Suzie holding her brother at gunpoint.

The Entire Miles Clan, ca. 1863

After losing his children in a poker game, John went off to fight the War Between the States on the side of the Rebels. This photo was taken shortly before Miles went over to the dark side, where he was last seen as a baldknobber in Forsyth, MO.