Paul goes to a diner and orders the special---Cold Chili. "Sorry", the waitress says. "The man next to you got the last bowl." "I'll just have the coffee, then," Paul replies. After a while he sees that the guy is done and that his chili bowl is still full. Paul asks, "Are you going to eat that?" "No," the man replies. "You can have it if you want." Paul takes the bowl and starts eating. When he's about halfway done, he finds a dead mouse in the chili and pukes into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "Yup, that's about as far as I got, too."
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I'm required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most: your boss." The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instalty $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss' bank account. Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss' house. Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully." The man says,"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
"Hey...watch this!"
What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half of a cat.
A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving on the highway and asks him to take a Breathalyzer test. "I can't do that because I'm an asthmatic," says the man. "The Breathalyzer could bring on an attack." So the cop suggests a urine sample. "Can't do it," says the man. "I'm a diabetic, so my urine always has strange stuff in it." "Well," says the angry cop, "why don't you just get out of the car and walk this white line?" "Sorry," says the man, "but I can't do that either." "Why not?" asks the officer. The man belches and then says,"Because I'm drunk."
Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his boss. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes that his seat is located in the last row in the corner farthers from the field. But halfway through the first quarter, he notices an empty seat right on the 50-yard line, so he makes his way over to it. Before he sits down, he asks the man next to him,"Excuse me, is someone sitting here?" The man says no. "Wow," says Bob. "Who would have a Super Bowl ticket and not use it?" "Well, actually," says the man, "the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to bring my wife, but she died. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we got married in '69." "I'm sorry," says Bob. "But couldn't you bring a friend or a relative?" "No," answers the man. "They're all at the funeral."
An 80-year-old man is having a check up and tells his doctor,"I've never been better. I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor replies,"Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who likes to hike. One day while he's walking through the woods, a grizzly bear suddenly jumps out in front of him. With no time to think, he lifes up his walking stick, points it at the bear, and blam! the bear drops dead." "That's impossible!" says the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replies the doctor.
"I'm sorry, Bill," says the doctor, "but you don't have more than six weeks to live." Bill is dismayed. "But, Doctor," he cries, "I haven't felt better in years. That just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment, the doctor says, "Tell you what you do: Find a health spa and start taking mud baths every single day." Excitedly Bill agrees, asking, "Will that cure me?" "No," replies the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
A man goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste, a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single, huh?" Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How'd you guess?" She replies,"Because you're ugly."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?!?" the man asks. "Ten what?!? Months?!? Weeks?!? What?!? The doctor impatiently says,"Nine... Eight..."