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•~^v^×)•Jokes•(×^v^~•

The Bar

A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said,
"Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?"
He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar."
A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest.
The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do.
The rabbi leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear.
The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said, "Thanks. What did you tell him?" The rabbi replied,
"I just told him we're on our honeymoon."

Peter

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Why?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Funny Sayings

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit scary that doctors call what they do practice?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

Success?

At age 4....success is....not peeing in your pants.

At age 12...success is....having friends.

At age 16...success is....having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is....having sex.

At age 35...success is....having money.

At age 50...success is....having money.

At age 60...success is....having sex.

At age 70...success is....having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is....having friends.

At age 80...success is....not peeing in your pants.

What not to say to a police officer
when pulled over

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,
"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Yo MaMa Is Soooo Stupid...

Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo mama's so stupid when she asked me what kind of jeans I wore, I said Guess and she said "Ah Levi's?"

Yo mama's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagittarius.

Yo mama's so stupid, her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors.

Yo mama's so stupid, her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first.

Yo mama's so stupid, when I gave her a dollar and asked for a quater back, she gave me Dan Marino.

Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.

Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail.

Yo mama's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven't seen her since.

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it.

Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose.

Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Fruit Loop.

Yo mama's so stupid, if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

Yo mama's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd get change.

Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice.

Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.

Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store.

Yo mama's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911".

Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.

Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.

Yo mama's so stupid, she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the box.

Yo mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.

Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses.

Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1"

Yo mama's so stupid, she fell up the stairs.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got shot running to the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial.

Yo mama's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight.

Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up.

Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.

Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."

Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.

Yo mama's so stupid, she put a peephole in a glass door.

Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gum ball to come out.

Yo mama's so stupid, she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept.

Yo mama's so stupid, she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum.

Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco.

Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y she said "Cause I want to know".

Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.

Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage.

Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus.

Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the post office.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Thailand was a men's clothing store.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the Internet was something you catch fish with.

Yo mama's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read.

Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Yo mama's so stupid, she took lessons for a player piano.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to insult you and started with a Yo MaMa joke.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo mama's so stupid, she was locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' "Free Lays!"

Yo mama's so stupid, she went on Double Dare and when they asked her name she said "I think I'll take the physical challenge."

Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.

Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.

Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed.

Yo mama's so stupid, she wouldn't know up from down if she had three guesses.

Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.

Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, she said "Ok, but what's the teams?"

Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulls up to a flashing red light it sounds like this... Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech.

Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around.

Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo mama's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved.

Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."

Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went and got toilet paper.

Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a bowl.

Yo mama's so stupid, you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in her ears.

Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer because there's White Out all over the screen.

Insane Asylum

A man walks into an insane asylum wearing nothing but saran wrap. The doctor looks up at him in an astonished way and says I can clearly see your nuts!

Old Woman

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."

Best Comeback

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come back" line and we think he'll win.

O'Malley Coincidence

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

Hospital Operations

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid says, "Wow! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."