Bass Player Offenses and Fines
* Forgetting strap....$10
* Forgetting to turn on amp....$20
* Skull decals on bass....$50
* Bringing custom made bass....$100 per string above four
* Missing root after blistering fill....$15
* Playing fast and high on neck after mistake....$30
* Cursing loudly after mistake....$60
* Playing 8th notes....$5 each
* Playing 16th notes....$10 each
* Dragging fast tempo....$50
* Dragging ballad tempo....$100
* Falling asleep during ballad....$200
* Not following drummer's tempo....$75
* Following drummers tempo....$150
* Not playing written walking line....$50
* Playing written walking line....$100
* Playing 'A Train' ending on every song....$75
* Quoting 'Birdland'....$150
* Attempting last word on final chord....$20
* Succeeding....$40
* Long gliss down to final note....$80
* Playing Jaco groove on Samba....$50
* Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad....$100
* Setting up microphone 'just in case'....$50
Favorite Quotes
"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side"...Hunter S. Thompson
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits."...Albert Einstein
"If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself"....Jules Blattner
"I know there is a balance, I see it every time I swing past"....John Mellencamp
New, Improved Effects Pedals
Blame Shifter...Shifts guitar player's mistakes down an octave so the audience thinks the bass player did it.
Fluff Box...Filters out excess musical substance
Depander...Removes overplayed cover tunes from songlist
Overjive...Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament
Feedback Eliminator...Silences constructive criticism from audience members
Depressor...Transposes any song into E minor
Noise Filter...One input jack, no output.
Bandpass Filter...Prevents drummer from "coming on" to female vocalist
Fun Links (Use Back Button To Return To This Page)
The Onion (You'll Laugh So Hard You'll Cry)
Jokes (Where do You Think I get My Material?)
Strong Bad (Move Over, Cheech)
The Guys Get Shirts (Paul Anka Goes Postal On His Band)