CONTEMPORARY AMERICAN HISTORY - from "BACK TO SCHOOL" (1986)

PROFESSOR TURGESON (Sam Kinison):
Welcome ... to Contemporary American History. I'm Professor Turgeson. You know, a lot of people think history is just facts, it's just information about the past... but not me. I mean, I hold history very sacred. Sacred. The way a farmer looks at the earth and he holds it sacred. The way a Christian takes the Bible and he holds it sacred. The way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred. That's how I feel about it. So why don't we dive right in by interpreting one of the easiest events in the last twenty years of American history. Now, can someone tell me why, in 1975, we pulled our troops out of Vietnam? (a girl in front of class raises her hand. Turgeson points to her)

GIRL:
The failure of Vietnamization to win popular support caused an ongoing erosion of confidence in the various American, but illegal, Saigon regimes. (she smiles, quite pleased with her answer)

TURGESON:
(he seems a bit irritated) Is she right? 'Cause I know that's the popular version of what went on there. I know a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was there. (his irritation increases) I wasn 't here in a classroom, hoping I was right, thinking about it. (begins yelling) I was up to my knees in rice paddies, with guns that didn' t work, going up against Charlie, slugging it out with him, (he turns toward the girl) while pussies like you were back here partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, listening to the God damn Beatle albums! (screams in her face) Uhhh! UHHHHHH! (the girl is on the verge of tears)

THORNTON MELON (Rodney Dangerfield):
Hey, hey, Professor! Take it easy, will ya? (Turgeson looks up at Thornton) I mean, these kids, they were in grade school at the time. And me, I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover. (chuckles)

TURGESON:
Well! Well, I didn't know you wanted to get involved with the discussion, Mister Helper. But since you want to help, maybe you can help me, 'kay? You remember that thing we had about thirty years ago called that Korean Conflict? (Thornton nods) Yeah, where we failed to achieve victory? How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel, and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China, and take it apart brick by brick, (he rips the top off Thornton's desk and hurls it over his shoulder toward the front of the classroom) and nuke them back into the fucking Stone Age forever? How come ? Tell me why! Say it! Say it!

THORNTON:
All right , I'll say it. (he begins yelling) 'Cause Truman was too much of a pussy wimp to let MacArthur go in there and blow out those Commie bastards!

TURGESON:
(with a pleased grin) Good answer. Good answer. (he shakes Thornton' s hand) Like the way you think. I'm gonna be watching you. (he walks away)

THORNTON:
(turning to his classmates) Good teacher. He really seems to care. About what, I have no idea.