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ADDitional Comments.....

Sometimes I get e-mail relating to the ADD Page.
I will share it with you here.

Visitor's Comment: 06/20/2000 "Hi...I have been reading your information on add and found it interesting...it was a relief to know that my b/f is not intentionally trying to ruin our relationship... We have been going out for a couple of months and I could never understand why he did the things he did...examples included that he has trouble starting anything even if we discussed doing it, like cleaning the room. He says yes and next thing off doing something else. It was totally frustrating me.

Im not sure if his dominance has anything to do with add. Maybe you can enlighten me as I have no knowledge about add or add&H which he says he has..Btw he is 22 in July. You say no and he keeps pesisting. An example of this is that he wanted me to watch wrestling at 1am in the morning and wouldnt let me go to sleep. He put alarm clock on so i would be awake for it. I kept saying i wanted to sleep but he kept going on and on. Is this a common trait for ADD sufferers .. He wont eat anything but meat and blames his upbringing for that one. I try to get him to eat veg's but to no avail. He has great problem with intimacy as he is not content with just cuddling or kissing..its always more and more if u get my drift without getting personal here :) ... He has a very high sex drive. Is that part of it or just him. He used to be on drugs but had stopped... When i told him about the problems we were having, he tried to change but lasted all half an hour. and he says he does not realise that he is doing it. The thing is he can sit hours in front of the computer without trouble.

Please help me as I have no idea how to handle this and I dont want to loose him but then again I dont want to live the way we are...Thanx."
My Reply: (long)

Boy, it sounds like you've got some work cut out for you - he does too... I'm going to play the 'Mom' part here - (believe me, I've been where you are, I'm not coming from a dominance stand here, just I've been there, done that, wish I had a rewind button...)

I think his dominance may be an effort on his part to have control over *something* or *someone* since he doesn't seem to feel that he has it over himself. You must not let him get away with it, though. Bullying is not acceptable in any relationship, especially one of love, and that's just what insisting that you do what *he* wants, with a total lack of regard for what *you* want, is. He will have to learn to respect "No." as an answer. He's pretty young, and although he thinks he is set in his ways, he *can* (and needs to) learn other ways of dealing with people and life, particularly you. He needs to learn to say what he really means instead of what he thinks you want to hear, or what he wishes were true. If he says he will do something, then he should do it - if he doesn't intend to do it, he must learn not to say he will. He also needs to learn that he cannot always get his way if he wants others to want anything to do with him - life is not the kindergarten playground, if you know what I mean.

I'm not at all surprised that he can sit in front of the computer for hours. It is common for us to have hyper focus on things we are genuinely interested in (provided we don't get interrupted, distracted or frustrated), and working til all hours of the night. Distractiblity is probably the most basic problem for us ADD/ADHDers. The tendancy for him to go off and do something else is likely to be a lifetime thing, but he, and you, can learn to set up some safety nets -

for him: learn to say "no"; if you say yes, follow through right away, before you go on to the next thing; don't promise what you can't deliver right away; make a list of what you want to get done, and let someone else have a copy; give others permission to remind you (sometimes called 'nagging'..LOL) when you get distracted, without getting angry at them for doing so (you are the one who has not yet completed the task); be honest with people, let them know up front that you get distracted easily; learn more about the traits you have and how to deal with them; talk to your partner about what you really want (out of life, from her, sexually, etc.) and really listen to what she has to say to you about the same things; seek a psychologist/counsellor (you need to get the tools to do this, it's not a 'pick yourself up by your bootstraps' kind of thing); join a support group like CHADD; and...eat your broccoli! LOL!...or take vitamins to get some of the nutrients you aren't getting from vegetables;

for you: learn not to expect him to change right away; be consistant; agree to a 'codeword' that will remind him to stop and think when he is losing his focus; try not to get angry with him when he falls back a little, this is hard stuff; show how much you appreciate his efforts at change; don't ask him to take on responsibility you know he will have trouble with if it isn't really necessary; join a support group; IMPORTANT!! - do not stay in a dangerous situation - if he does not want to work to make your relationship better, get the heck out! - dominance and refusal to acknowledge your needs can lead to real trouble; (you're probably not going to like this next one, but...) if this doesn't work out, next time, don't take up intimate residency with someone you hardly know; If you know he has a commitment, remind him gently well ahead of time and again closer to time;

Never underestimate the power of exercise. Physical activity (not just the bedroom kind) can do wonders too, and is something you can do together, like swimming, biking, hiking, sky diving, whatever...well, maybe *not* bungie jumping...

As for his insistance that you watch wrestling with him: The major problem with wrestling programs is that the wrestlers know that it is an act, but the viewers tend to get caught up in it. They, especially the young, may try to reinact some of the moves and holds, which can be very dangerous for untrained and not extremely fit people. Also, the trend in wrestling to depict violence toward women, even if there is a 'rescue' involved, is very disturbing to many people. If your SO (significant other) is prone to dominance, you need to be wary of how it may affect him. Your safety is ever so much more important than his entertainment.

You mentioned that he used to be on drugs - do you mean Rx for the ADHD or 'recreational drugs? It is very common for ADD/ADHD people to 'self medicate' by using drugs, alcohol, etc., in an attempt to feel 'normal' (I really hate that word!), but they do not help, and can, in fact, keep us from dealing with the reality of ADD/ADHD. If it was Rx, why does he no longer take them? I know that I would probably still be taking them if I had insurance to cover the cost, but I have also learned a lot of coping mechanisms and have a life style that allows me more freedom than most people get, so my need for medication is less. If he was taking them, it may be good for him to get back on them, at least until he can initiate, and establish some new behavior that is more suitable to function and relationship.

ADD/ADHD is troublesome in some ways, but tends to also carry traits of exceptional talent, intelligence and creativity. Do you recognise any of those in him? If he has a talent or interest that he can focus on and work toward, it will help him feel good about himself, and can help lessen his frustration level.

Visitor's Comment: 05/04/2000 "Greetings!! My son just underwent a battery of testing at school and one of the results was that he was indeed being distracted by everything and anything in his surroundings. My question now is Do these symtoms nessecarily point to ADD ? and if not is there a medical term for it? If yes then is medication the next step? (Please let me know if these questions are inappropriate.)."
My Reply:

Your questions are very appropriate. As for "...point to ADD?"...well, probably, but there is some debate about what that means and what should/can be done. "...and if not is there a medical term for it? If yes then is medication the next step?"

For me, and my then about 8yo DS, Ritalin was a godsend, really... we no longer take it, but it allowed me time to learn and put into action some 'survival' strategies that make life (almost) manageble now. However, many people find that caffeine helps, and some find that adjusting the diet to eliminate frequent allergy culprits like milk can go a long way to helping too. I would try some non-medical things first unless he is at his ropes end. There are many behavioral modifications that can help.

I am sure they tried to be thorough at the school, but I would advise you to get an appointment with a reputable psychologist who is familiar with ADD, and see if there is a chapter of CHADD in your area. Get some support and an official diagnosis.

Beware of the school labeling your son. Recognizing that he is very easily distracted is *not* the same thing as discovering that he is incapable of functioning... Being as different as ADD can make us can be disturbing enough - indeed, many ADDers suffer from depression just from having to deal with the overwhelming feelings of inadequacy that are projected on us by the set up of the school system - being a square peg trying desperatly to fit into their round holes can really take it out of you. More often than not, part of the distractability is due to boredom, not an inability to grasp the work, or laziness as is often the observation.

Please be sure that you help him understand that there is nothing 'wrong' with him - being different can be a very good thing. I believe that I have a link on my ADD pages that lists a lot of well known ADD folks. He might enjoy finding out the caliber of people he shares these traits with. Yes, here it is: Famouse ADDers

Check out some of the other links on the main ADD page. I am sure you will find enough to make your head swim...LOL!

Visitor's Comment: 02/24/99 "Wonderful! All I've ever heard are negative comments and/or connotations about ADD. How refreshing to read about it in a positive light! And Visitor's Comment from 11/02/98 was right on the mark too. My 11-year son has had a continual problem "keeping up" in school although he is very bright, witty and amiable. I'm so glad to see that someone else doesn't view this behavior as a "dis-ability!"

But insofar as working with him, I'm wondering if perhaps more attention (no pun intended!) should be paid to the nutritional aspect of the child - rather than turning to drugs. Because we are all unique individuals and especially given the creative and sensitive characteristics of the ADD person, a universal drug isn't appropriate. It seems more of a "crutch" not a working tool. I'd love to read more about the role of nutrition and food allergies in the treatment and working with ADD persons."
My Reply:

Thanks for your kind words. I certainly agree with you about diet, and prompted by your e-mail, I've added a new page to the Sassafrass Grove ADD pages: ADD and Diet. (most of the rest of my response to this writer has been incorporated into the context of the new page, so I will not include it here.)

Visitor's Comment: 02/22/99 " Thank you for your wonderful page. My son is 13 and has been on stimulant medication since age 5. He was professionally tested at age 4. We have not relied soley on medication, but have attended behavior modification classes, spent many hours with psychologists and psychiatrists (sp) and many hours with school officials developing adjusted programs and alternative methods of discipline. It has been alot of work for the child, parents and school officials.

I can tell you now, it has been worth all the work, time and expense!! We have a fairly well adjusted young teen who has learned to build on his strengths and compensate for his weaknesses. I have found that self esteem issues make all the difference in the world.

Thank you for putting into words what I have been experiencing for years!"
My Reply:

I am soooo glad that (your son) is doing well. I know how much work you have put into his well-being. And...Thanks for the kind words...I really enjoy hearing from folks who share the world of ADD, and it's especially gratifying when someone you respect turns around and respects you back 8^) (it turned out that I have known this person for over 20 years, and she did not know that the page was mine...cool, huh?)

Visitor's Comment: 02/05/99 " I just had to write and thank you for the time you've taken to educate people on ADD. My husband, age 42, and my son, age 9, have ADD. It's been very difficult for me, an organized, focused individual, to have patience with my husband and his constant barrage of ideas, schemes, and jobs. Your candid revelations about yourself have really helped me to see that my husband is quite "normal" (he'll be happy to hear me use that word when it comes to him! Ü ). After spending a year trying to find a medication that would help our son (we tried Adderall and Dexedrine), we finally, with the help of our pediatrician and our son's psychologist, have put our son on Ritalin. For those skeptics who do not understand Ritalin, let me say that my son is ANYTHING but a walking zombie. We have finally found something that helps him to be able to focus on his school work (we homeschool him), and he's much kinder to his four siblings, to us, and most importantly, to himself. I am grateful that there is something like Ritalin to give my son his life back. I would ask people who have never had to live with someone who has ADD to NOT make disparaging remarks about what it takes to help someone medically deal with it until you've spent a day in my, or anyone elses shoes who have to deal with ADD on a daily basis- whether they themselves have it, or in my case, where I have an adult and a child in my home with ADD.

Congratulations on a wonderful, informative website."
My Reply:

Thank you for your kind words. It is gratifying to know that you found my page of benefit. I discovered my own ADD diagnosis while watching a video on "Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults"...I was literally in tears to find that I really was not some insane fool who couldn't do what everyone else could manage easily...and with the help of a well informed and sympathetic psychologist, and the benefit of Ritalin, came to grips with myself. Since then, I have found great comfort in the meeting of many, many like souls through the internet. I am glad your husband has you, and your son is lucky too...Many people do not keep searching for an answer. (If that sounds too weepy or sappy, I claim the influence of sleeplessness and PMS...LOL)

Visitor's Comment: 11/13/98 "We have two grandchildren that we adopted and they are both ADHD. The boy, age 10, is doing ok in school, but gets into trouble, the girl age 8 is ok so far. They are both on medication for this problem, but I would like to take him out of school and teach him at home. I don't want to hurt his education though. Is home schooling the answer? He has, so far, a B- average in school, except for his behavior."
My Reply:

I want to tell you how much I admire you for taking on the awesome responsibility of raising your grandchildren. They are very lucky to have you.

I am not an expert, but I will try to help.

Homeschooling is viable if you have the time and patience to do it. It is a major undertaking, but it can be a wonderful joy for both the parents (in this case the *Grand* parents) and the children, and it can be every bit as good, if not better than a public school education. (You will find much about this if you visit any of the BBs listed at Sassafrass Grove) If you feel that you have exhausted all your options with him in the school, and that his best interests are not being served there, for whatever reason, then, yes, homeschooling may be the answer.

Have you seen a qualified psychologist, and are behavior modification strategies implemented in addition to the medication? The meds alone cannot make the difference needed. (If you choose to homeschool, you *may* be able to deal with not giving him the meds, but you will likely find it hard to deal with him without behavioral changes.)

If your grandson is not coping well, even with meds and behavior mod, he may be a prime candidate for Homeschooling. The individual attention and flexibility it offers can work wonders.

BE AWARE - just because he is the one acting out more and getting noticed, you shouldn't be tempted to assume your granddaughter's doing fine...she may be...but sometimes, because girls tend to be quieter, we sort of slip by even though the same frustrations make it hard for us to "sit still" - we just tend to "bounce around" mentally instead of physically.

Certainly, the true happiness of the child in the situation is important to consider. As you obviously know, they are too precious to leave in a bad situation.

Visitor's Comment: 11/02/98 "Good stuff. In my opinion, your page offers good insight and is an excellent read. A few suggestions though. Consider at least addressing the vast over diagnosis and the dangers of assuming that ADHD symptoms and willful noncompliance are mutually exclusive (this tends to enable rather than educate). Also, the administration of stimulants (Ritalin, others) or any other drug used to treat hyperactivity (Clonidine, others) in no way "bring chemical imbalances back into line". This is not the drug's pharmacological action. Otherwise...you have a unique and uplifting perspective...in my opinion. I'm glad I stopped by....As a school psychologist, and a person who was a bit hyperactive/impulsive as a child, and now just a literal space-cadet, I am greatful that you choose your words carefully and appreciate your unique (and I think right on the mark!) perspective."
My Reply:

Thank you for your kind words and insights. I am considering how to utilize your generous suggestions. I agree with both, and appreciate the gentle manner in which you delivered them....last time someone had a critical comment, I had to duck the lashes...LOL.

Visitor's Comment: 6/7/98 "Excuse me? Ritilian has almost the same identical make-up (for lack of a better word right now) as street cocaine and you are promoting this! ADD and ADDH are serious conditions so why not get serious about it and quite putting our children on drugs and face the monster and deal with it. All these children I see on ritilian just makes my heart scream, they are walking zombies, and of course everyone thinks this is working because now the symtoms are better, why? Because ritilian is masking the symptoms so we can't see that they are still there. GET REAL! Sincerely a very concerned parent"
My Reply:

First, let me say that I do not "promote" the use of Ritalin. One of the very first things I have on my page is, "If you feel that ADD may be significant in your life, please see a good professional psychologist and get a true diagnosis. Self diagnosis and especially self medication can be dangerous. Medication is not always necessary, and gaining a good understanding of the condition can be of immense benefit."

Second, I in no way advocate the "drugging down" of anyone. There are, without question, many kids put on this drug who should not be, but that does not erase the immence benefits that those who are properly diagnosed and given the medication experience in finally being able to function. I know from first hand experience and from avid observation that Ritalin does indeed make a remarkable difference for those people for whom the Rx is appropriate. As you stated, Ritalin is indeed a stimulant, and must be prescribed very carefully. Any drug, even aspirin, has its consequences. For example, insulin is a boon to diabetics, but not at all good for those who do not need it. Likewise, Ritalin is appropriate treatment in some cases, and not in others. Anyone preparing to take a Rx like Ritalin must weigh the benefits against the side effects, but they must do it within their own situation, diagnosis, trust of doctor, etc. - not be dictated to by inept medical practitioners or the opinions of outsiders.

I definitely appreciate that you are a "concerned parent", as am I. Please do not put words in my mouth, or ignore the fact that you may not know all there is to know about this drug. I would suggest that you seek more knowledge about Ritalin's benefits as well as side effects and contraindications before you condemn it outright.

Visitor's Comment:"hi! this may sound strange, but i've had a lingering question in my mind for some time, i have a 2 1/2 y.o. daughter who is very, very active, easily distracted, hard time listening, absolutely no attention span etc..... i am wondering if it is possible that she may have ADD. it sounds crazy and when i've mentioned it, all i get is she is 2. i saw your post and seemed like you had quite abit of knowledge on the subject, so i hope you could give me your input on the situation, or at least tell me i'm crazy! =) there are days with her that she can't be controlled, sometimes she lunges at people and bites, hits , pushes etc, and is basixcally just impossible. and she definately doesn't have time for a tv show! =( thanks so much for your time, i'd definately appreciate any input you could offer!")
My Reply:

If you have experience with other children and she seems quite different in the traits you mentioned, your instincts are probably vibrating an "alarm" bell, and I do not advocate ignoring your instincts. I am in no way qualified to assess your child, but I can tell you that if you are concerned, you should attempt to find a psychologist who is experienced in ADD/ADHD diagnosis and see if they assess chidren that young. If she is ADD or ADHD, you can get a lot of help in dealing with her behaviors, and if she is not, you will know that she has a firmer grasp on the "terrible twos" than you do...LOL. Whatever the case, I think you are in for an exciting ride with your little tornado....try to appreciate and enjoy it....though sometimes that will seem quite a challenge. 8^)

Visitor's Comment:"Hi, First, I appreciate your acknowledement that add is a lifelong circumstance. I work with youth (teenagers) as a foster mother and community educator - and, believe me, there are MANY young people in the juvenile "justice" system who are there, basically, due to noncompliant behavior and self medication. By the time they get to this system, the official strategy is extreme coercion - this system is sort of like the 'forceps' approach and everyone is forced in the same way. I would comfortably bet there are lots of add kids in youth authorities and boot camps, untreated and unattended and without support (and eating institutional 'food'). I am going to refer my colleagues to your web site.")
My Reply:

I appreciate your feedback. I often wonder if I am really doing anyone any good out there in my little cyber-cube, so it is always good to hear that I have helped someone understand or clarify their own thoughts on ADD. Having been a foster mother, I know how very much you are contributing to these kids' lives, and want you to know that I really appreciate your efforts. Those kids are fortunate to have someone who actually understands their positions. I am with you on the bet. Unfortunately, I am sure we would win big time - too bad the kids are losing in the system. I still think it is a good system in many respects, but the frame of reference that they look at the kids through needs some major adjustment. I hope that my web-site will continue to be of use to you.

Visitor's Comment:"to whom it may concern , i truly enjoyed your very informative home page on add ,it was really something to read chalked full of all kinds of information i thank you for taking the time to do this for yourself and others like me in this world")
My Reply:

8^)

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since June 14th, 1999