Sir Cedric Garter I of Birmingham
Sir Cedric is known internationally for his modelling and photography and is currently working on a book "My Life as a Hippo" which has attracted the interest of several publishers.
Biography
Sir Cedric's parents, Cecil and Annabel Garter, moved to England soon after the Second World War. Both in their early twenties, they settled in Birmingham and Cecil worked hard to build a business based on his one love in life - mud. The Garters soon became famous for their fine quality mud with stores opening up in Birmingham, Coventry and Derby, although tragically they never found themselves able to expand outside the Midlands.
Sir Cedric was born "Squidge Garter" in 1978, Annabel's 7th child. He was, by all accounts, a friendly child but he was dissatisfied with his life and, much to his father's disappointment, he was uninterested in mud. While his older brothers helped his father with the family business, Squidge dreamed of fame and fortune and a life in the spotlight...
His break came unexpectedly in 1996. He had left home and was working as a pizza delivery boy, when he was asked to come in to the house to which he had delivered the pizza. Naturally wary, he refused, but none the less he was invited to a photo shoot the following day. It was at this shoot that the now famous "abstract session" shots were taken
The initial burst of enthusiasm for this bright young starlet soon wore off. Modelling contracts dried up and Squidge was reduced to advertising chocolate bars and making occasional appearances on "Wish You Were Here" to pay the bills.
In 1998, Squidge reinvented himself as Sir Cedric Garter I of Birmingham and soon found himself once again back in the spotlight. He soon became renowned not just for his modelling but for his artwork which is already selling for tens of thousands of pounds. The piece below, entitled simply "Frustruation" was recently bought by Sir Cliff Richard for an undisclosed sum.
However, all was not well with Sir Cedric. In late 1998 the downside of life in the public eye became apparent when his affair with Baby Spice hit the headlines, and the subsequent press coverage soon led to the breakdown of the relationship. He started going on drinking binges, regularly arriving for photo shoots hung-over or, more often, still drunk from the previous night.
In early 1999, close friends and family became concerned for his mental well-being when he announced to them that they were no longer allowed to call him "Squidge", or even "Sir Cedric" but were to address him as "Your Supreme Purpleness".
After much persuasion from those close to him, Sir Cedric agreed to take a short break from his work. On a weekend trip to Glasgow, he found himself falling for a beautiful young hippo named Squodge. However, his hopes of romance were shattered when she decided to elope to Edinbugh with a young man called Peter. Heartbroken, Sir Cedric returned to Birmingham.
Some time later, Sir Cedric moved nearer to London in the hopes of getting more work. It was here that he heard once again from Squodge. This delicate flower that he had once so admired had decided to become a male and was now cohabiting with a slightly deranged caffeine junkie. Furthermore, he/she was claiming family ties with the respected artist. Genetic testing proved these claims false, but Sir Cedric's feelings for the little hippo were not stopped by the boundaries of sex and despite worries as to Squodge's motives he kept in contact.
After 6 months in London, Squidge had still not found work and was reduced to working in Sainsburys. He was initially offered a job as a cashier but his inability to count money accurately meant that he was soon demoted to the position of shelf. All day and all night, Squidge would sit quietly holding a range of breakfast cereals at a height of 3ft from the floor. It was lonely work and he was ridiculed by the shelf-stackers on a daily basis. He developed an addiction to NutriGrain bars and was soon twice his normal weight.
Squidge was brought to his senses by a short stay in hospital, brought on by an overdose of Pop Tarts. He started to write articles for local newspapers and soon had a regular column in The Independant - the popluar "Hippocritical Hippo" which he sadly gave up when he started work on his autobiography.
Two years on, Squidge had disappeared completely from public view. His whereabouts are currently unknown... worried friends and family urge anyone who knows of his whereabouts to get in touch.
