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Not to be confused with hat-tricks in hockey,
which is a game played by another bunch of cool cats!

Cat & Mouse Game:

THE STRAY (author unknown)

On Monday he said a crumb would do~
On Tuesday he asked me to make it two~
On Wednesday he said he'd prefer to have fish~
And not on paper, he'd rather a dish~
On Thursday he said it was cold out there~
So would I mind if he slept on a chair~
On Friday he made it perfectly clear~
That, lucky old me, he'd be living here~
On Saturday night he took half of my bed~
And woke me early to get himself fed~
Today we'll share chicken because it's Sunday~
I wonder what he would like on Monday?~

...chocolate donuts? (heh, heh)

 HOW TO TELL THE WEATHER:

Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet,
it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet,
it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way,
it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this,
you have to leave the dog outside all the time,
especially if you expect bad weather.

Yours truly,
The CAT

Self confidence!


And why not??

A Cat Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep-depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason, I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overhead that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...


Ohhhh...don't think the hairball medicine will help him!

A LIST OF DO'S AND DONT'S FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSEHOLD TO RUN:

"If you have to throw up - get into a chair quickly, or on the sofa. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Lacking Oriental, Shag is good.

Guests: about them - after dinner when walking on the dinner table among the dishes. be prepared to look surprised and hurt when chided. The idea to convey is, "but you let me do it when there's no company." Determine quickly which guest HATES cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare to push you off and might even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have Puss 'n Boots on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrasts with your own., i.e., for Siamese color cats a good black wool lap is best. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. For guests who say,"I love kitties" be ready with a) aloof disdain, b) claws applied to stockings, c) a quick sharp nip on the ankle.

Doors: about them - Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season. Don't worry. They will not close the door on you. AVOID SWINGING DOORS.

Hampering: If one of them is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. Following are the main tips for hampering: a) for book readers get close under the chin. Unless of course you can lie across the book itself. b) for a lady knitting, curl quietly in her lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap he knitting needles sharply. This will cause what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it. c) for people doing paper work sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time push anything movable off the table, pens, pencils, stamps, etc."

Har, har, har...we don't know the author's name (obviously written by a cat though!), but we would like to say "Thanks!" to Mom's friend, Janet, who sent it our way!

My personal fave is the all-time attention getter: jumping on Mom's lap while she is typing with the Webtv electronic keyboard...(snort)

BEST VIEWED WITH:

Strict, Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats:

1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y."
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.

THE LAWS OF CAT PHYSICS...

The Institute of Theoretical and Applied Feline Physics has identified the following immutable laws of Physics as apply to Cats:

  • Law of Cat Inertia:
    A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the sound of a can opening.
  • Law of Cat Magnetism:
    All black, blue, and dark brown clothing, especially sweaters, attracts cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
  • Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
    Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
  • Law of Cat Extension:
    A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
  • Law of Cat Sleeping:
    All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable as possible for the people and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
  • Law of Obedience Resistance:
    A cat's resistance to obedience is in inverse proportion to a human's desire for it to do something.
  • Law of Cat Motion:
    A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
  • Law of Cat Elongation:
    A cat will elongate its body sufficiently to reach any countertop or furniture that has anything remotely interesting on it.
  • Law of Cat Acceleration:
    A cat will accelerate at a constant speed, until he gets good and ready to stop.
  • Law of Selective Listening:
    Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened at a distance of half a mile, it cannot hear a simple command three feet away.
  • Law of Equidistant Separation:
    All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
  • Law of Rug Configuration:
    No rug in proximity to a cat may remain in a flat state.
  • Law of Refrigerator Observation:
    If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
  • Law of Comfort Seeking:
    A cat will always seek and occupy the most comfortable spot in any given room.
  • Law of Pill Rejection:
    Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
  • Law of Feline Space-Time:
    Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
  • Law of Concentration of Mass:
    A cat's mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap it occupies.
  • Law of Furniture Replacement:
    A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
  • Law of Cat Disinterest:
    A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
  • Law of Cat Obedience:
    As yet undiscovered....

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    keemiw@yahoo.com