IF
THESE WALLS
If these walls could talk, what would they say?
Would they talk of my betrayals, of all my hidden lies?
Would they talk of my shame, of a secret that should die?
If these walls would talk, who would talk to them?
What wonders would they share, or what problems would they keep?
And if these walls could, dear God would they weep?
If these walls could talk, or mysteries of mine unknown?
What part of my life, would I out-grow or should?
If mabye by God, if I could?
If these walls could talk? If my eyes could cry?
If my heart could bleed? If my soul could try?
If these walls an talk, then so should I.
I LIVE A LIFE
I live in a world of sin
I am surrounded by it
I live a life of half truths
I live a life of half lies
I live a life
I am covered by sin
I bury myself in the shame
I live a life of half truths
I live a life of half lies
I live a life
I am a light in the dark truths
I am the lgiht in hidden truths
I live a life
I am the dark within the lies
I am the lie
I live a life
Be not proud of it
But I am the light
The only one still lit
I live a life
I am the half truth
Whether dark or gray
But never pure white
I live a life
I am the forgotten
The lost who seeks refuge
I live a life
I am the denied of my own peace
I live a life
I am a servent of my own will
And a prisoner of my shame
I live a life
I am the child of thoughts long passed
I live a life
I am the lie of a mother's dream
I live a life
I am the fate which has been passed to me
I live a life
I am the ground which has been broken
I live a life
I live the bitter ways of bitter truths
I live a life
I live the life salvation has passed
I live a life
I am the raped of social grace
I live a life
I am the raped whose mind feels fear
I live a life
I am the hidden scar
I live a life
I am the depression of a mother's eyes
I live a life
I am the beginning
I live a life
I am the end
I live a life
I live a life of grace and pain
I live a life
I am the moral of its disgracebr>I live a life
I am the dream that wakes and screams
I live a life
I am the voice that cries too loud
I live a life
I am the patient of remorse
I live a life
I am the character of forgotten tales
I live a life
If only I should keep this life
I live a life
If chance should keep this life
I will live a life
Could I live this life
If all would pass
I could be the life
If all would let me
I would live a life
A PRAYER FOR FRANCIS
If by chance and if by fate, we should ever meet again. May you hear this
prayer from broken heart that I now send
Dearest God, the Father, the Son:
Now I lay me in pasture green, where the warm sun shines.
Where in the pasture green the place to where Heaven declines.
I now
lay me down to rest, while my heart beats within my chest, and my soul
can hear angels sing all together in unison, sing.
I pray to God my master, my Lord, who is the savior true.
That once again we shall meet within Heaven's skies of blue.
I pray
now to my Lord, the Father, that he will watch you while you rest, and
I
pray to the Lord, my Father, 'till I shall see Heaven's breast.
May he watch and keep you well, until I can see you again.
And I pray to you, my solemn Lord, with words no mouth can tell.
I ask it in you name that wiht you, you will keep in your heart so true,
the
dearest one we've loved as much dear Lord, as we've loved you.
I ask of you, my mighty Lord, that her heart stays pure and true.
And I pray, dear Lord, for strength when there's nothing I can do.
Now I
lay me in pasture green, and think of all my eyes have seen, and know
within my heart it's true that forever dear Aunt, I shall miss you.
In thy Father's name I pray----Amen...
AM I
Am I despair's bitter creature
laying broken on the floor
like a glass that fell and crashed
Am I sorrow's lonely child
the orphan left to fight
an unknown life and world
Am I am that forgotten dream
that lays in the back of the mind
killing itself with pity and doubt
Am I the one who washes these dreams away
if I am not the dream
or at least the memory of the dream
Am I fighting agaisnt myself
beating my own hopes and desires
into the pit of lost compassion
Am I the often over looked
the face not as stunning as the others
the body not as graceful as the rest
Am I what I would have me to be
if I were another what of me would
I change or keep the same
Am I a coward
who hides behind the false face
hoping for it to protect me against the cold world
Or am I just me
just alone with my thoughts
trapped by my fears
Or am i anything??
November 2, 1998
Be not words,
soft spoken words,
that haunt me through the night
be not pain,
tried forgotten pain
that wakes me in the night
be not love
that glorifies love
that could get me through the night
listen not to the words that ring softly in your ear, jealousy and hate
have
tainted their every syllable.
listen
not to the words of the bitter soulless souls that climb and feed on your
own regrets and worries.
listen
no to the sound of your own mouth crying, or feel not the sting of your
own tears.
listen
not to the world that moves around you, shut out all that is not of you.
listen
to the sound of your own lungs dying, as the rest of you chooses to live.
listen not to tattered stories, of your minds mute mouth.
listen not to whatever comes to your ear.
November 3, 1998
Sing for me child
embrace the dark
kiss the night sky
and let the moon cover your face
let the stars touch your cheek
and the lilys linger with the air
of what you left into your step
let them stick to you
like venomous snakes of death
let their leaves bite you like fangs
let gentle night take you into endless sleep
face of
tomorrow broken with the duties of today, let faith, hope, and salvation
slip through your fingers like sand grains
face of tomorrow broken with the lack of cherishment and the resort of
happiness, cover your eyes and let it go with the night
there you go again
ripping at the heart
trying to break the few
strands that hold it a float
trying to break the dream
before the heart is free to have the chance
Look into my eyes, the eyes you have ruined with your own faulty fate
Have you
chosen your line of life, and you prepared to settle for that with that
and be that
to carry on your sholders the weight of that lable
to look into the mirror and see what you swore you never would
Are you father's death words tempting you to follow in his fate
Fall into your own arms child
for mother is no longer
there to catch you
she has left you on her own will
fend for your own salvation now
your savior has gone
look into your own light
for hers is no longer there to guide you
Fall into your own arms child
for mother no longer cares
who have you left that does
have you fallen so
far you can longer see up
is down all that can be
Fall into your own arms child
and not onto the knife
they have laid for you to fall on
go past what they think of you to do
Fall into your own arms child
they are the only ones left to catch you
November 4, 1998
Let me see into the eyes of myself, glazed dead portals staring back at
me.
Having
lost the ability time ago to see into those eyes, sickened by th ethough
of no
longer being able to see into those portals of yourself, what batter way
to
end that then to rip them out
Kiss me softly on the lips, of dear Lord. Take my hand and place it to
your
heart,
so that I know that love is still somewhere within my reach. Tempt me
not to
go into dark and in that destroy myself. Take me by the other hand and
lead me into the light from which I have ran from
See me
there in the light, were I once belonged, but for some strange twist of
fate, no longer seem to be in. Cast me into that light and with grace of
hope,
perhaps this time I can stay
November 5, 1998
Is this real
looking into a lookin glass
broken by time and age
looking into eyes,
tired eyes,
red filled eyes,
my eyes
Lines not forming at the corners of each eye, no change in their age
black
and purple satin rest under those weary eyes only brining out the redness
more
tears long since dried and evaported from those very spots
tears of joy?
tears of happiness?
tears of sadness?
tears of death?
or tears of forgotten memories?
No line breaking
the youth of the cherib shaped eyes,
no wrinkle taking away
from the pale cheeks
one can look at the eyes,
and see into the hallowenss of the soul,
and then scrape their own knees
on the shallowness of
the barren inner cave
sadness has lived here,
leaving behind unopened packages brought from bitter memory
why tip the messanger of sorrowful news?
why not instead turn him away
and forget he paid
his visit and leave his delivery unopened,
and place upon it, Adressee not known,
Return to sender
November 6, 1998
forgive me forget me My heart and soul cried
leave
me to my peace and dont drag me back to my caged hell that you have
locked with "love"
let me
run if I want to there is no point in trying to stop me for you know I'll
do
what I want no matter what actions may fall
leave me
here into myself as Myself is all that is left here for me to have though
myself not being myself whole but in peices as if broken matters of glass
leave me to lay on the floor not to be boethered not to be touched not
to be
looked at and to not have my name called allowed
give me this what I ask time to my mind and heart so that they may find
the
common path to which they shall travel someday together even if now they
walk alone
give me this
peace and let me have this peace even if it is false in its actions and
lies come
from its mouth let me linger onto the memory of the lie which seemed
to its own heart the truth
dont allow
the shallows of me to faulter the steps of others my foot prints in the
sad where
long ago washed away and still I can see the two sets of feet waking
in unison rows
has memory parted from what could be that brain of those dead of my brain
long
since dead defeated by the heart and buried by the light of remourse that
follows into the steps of forgotten death like strides
allowing
my thoughts and dreams to fall into a single line formation and then
march
with themselves into the pit of firery hell and then to grace themselves
amoungst the angels of my long awaited heaven
dragging the souls of the damned into the pearl palace my sould was turned
away
though the most scarred of the damned are allowed to enter yet my soul
turned away
leaving me myself and what is also known as I to wonder through the earth
eternal
and not blessed or cursed enough to have the chance to grace the gifts
of death
where I left my heart is too a mystery to me
where I left my eyes I could lest tell you
where I last left my thoughts that too has escaped me
November 7, 1998
Music surronds me, and the light blinds my eyes,
the warmth of those around me leaks into my body as if it were sunshine
seeping into my pores and entering into my body,
being drank up by my greedy soul.
All eyes are fixed on me as I stand,
the music swells
around me covering me with the words even through the layers
of artificaliality.
I move forward to take the gifts of those empowered before me,
I kiss them slightly on the cheek,
and then they turn to go as the next comes to the head of the line.
I bow my head to those to whom I wish to give a false sense of respect
to,
and I am successful in my ventures of shade,
I smile to this one, though I wish them harm,
hate seeping through my teeth as I imagine ripping the flesh from their
bare
neck,
but I try to let that pass,
I try to let their bitterness pass,
but why,
when I play the game so well myself.
I smile larger,
opening my mouth wider allowing my teeth from gums to end be seen.
I laugh softly under my breath as I mutter curses to their names,
but then smile wider.
November 8, 1998
the night's tears cover the angel who lays on the soft blanket of his own
remourse and sorrow
he tilts his eyes towards the heavens,
and then his own tears fill his eyes
He allows his eyes go see past the clouds,
the flying birds,
he uses
them to reach past the same stars that we all metaphorically reach for,
his gaze exceeds Venus and Mars and goes past the sun,
the center of our universe,
exceeds all
this to find the greater level of life that we hope to one day be a part
of.
He stares at the gates of pearl and gold,
he then sees farther into this mystical world,
a world to which he can never return to.
He focuses his gaze back to earth,
he looks at his hands,
which are covered in the deep dark soul of the earth.
He blinks as the sun rises over the trees.
He lay on the ground still,
watching the wonders of our earth as none of us ever have,
or will.
His naked body lay on the ground,
his dark hair lay in ringlet curls around his ruby cherib like cheeks.
The soul of the earth covering him,
darkening his complexion.
His flesh tore from the fall,
from being ripped by the tree limbs and the rocks which lay upon the earth's
face.
He looks back to the sky,
to the world to which he can never return,
and doesnt shed a tear.
He picks himself up, and walks on.
November 9, 1998
Why dreams are dreams and time stands still
And Alice looks behind the glass
Choices, choices, poor Alice, make a choice
One side is full of wonders
of all that your mind can create
the other a bitter reality which you cannot change
Why not chose the fantasy?
Make your dreams your truth
Rather than go to the other side
where nothing you dream will ot come true
Poor Alice, poor Alice, look through your looking glass
Your reflection in reality, shows you aging and dying old
your reflection in fantasy, keeps you young and full of life
Poor Alice
November 10, 1998
Reality
is only what I want it to be, if I choose for it to be nothing, then nothing
it shall
be, for in my mind, at least there I am in control. In my mind I am safe
from
the bitterness and hate surrounding me. No matter how many drugs you
pump into my body, my mind shall over come them.
November 11, 1998
Follow me into the gardens,
the gardens of life and death.
Pick not the fruit which you think will be sweet,
for the end is the is seedless and bitter.
Walk with me into
the gardens of earth and heaven.
And watch each wonder with me,
as if it were the first time that either
of us were to see them.
Walk with me in the feilds of my mind,
though they may be barren with bitter weeds.
November 12, 1998
Alone I may seem in the world
but alone I am not
I have comforts in others
Though I may not have the ability to see them
But they like me are there
Alone I amy feel in this world
but alone I am not
My kind do walk this earth
even though I may not lay my eyes upon them
they are there
Alone I may feel in this life
but loneliness is a lie
I have the comforts of others
if even only in my mind
I am not alone in this life
though I may be the only one to notice it
but through that I lie to myself
for I am not alone
When ever you need me
or think you do
just close your eyes
And I will come to you
Just dream out loud< br> But don't make a sound
Then kiss a star, and look up high
Wipe your tears, try not to cry
Your wish shall come true
Even if I am not there with you
November 14, 1998
seeping into heaven's light
running from hell's fury
seeking refuge somewhere
if any where but within
hiding in God's light
can feel protective
but temptation reaches even there
running from God
but running to him at the same time
all souls seeking him
no matter what name
or face they have given him
November 15, 1998
Hoping that prayers are answered, you search for the answer from another
source
but yourself, allowing a being that you may or may not believe is all of
creation,
take your worry, and play with a solution, hoping somewhere within
that there
is that being there, but still knowing that if your miracle does come to
be, was
it really a creature beyond our creation, or simply fate playing a game?
November 16, 1998
Play little children, play in the streets, run to the cars, and meet them
face
forward
Mother's scream, then they allow panic to attack them
but then
watch as the driver goes by, and stare at the broken body of their child
November 17, 1998
Turn around, voices echoing in your head aching for release, every now
and
then I get a little nervous when they won't speak back
November 18, 1998
Once upon a time I thought I knew love
Once upon a time I thought I knew kindness
Once upon a time I thought I had joy
Once upon a time I had the fairy tale
November 19, 1998
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely, and only heart ache comes
by.
I hear
laughter from children on the street, all I want to do is silence them,
bu
any means
that is possible, whether it be full of pain or that of a simple plea for
quite. But by whatever means the noise must stop and if the noise does
not
stop,
I fear that I shall lose my sanity, if there is any of it left in the first
place.
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely, and only heart ache comes
by.
Every
street filled with the noise of the children, they scream and yell, and
for
all of the love of god, need to be silenced.
November 20, 1998
Come to me in
the night, and embrace my arms which you have sought to touch
since you first saw them. Sanity is sin, sin is sanity. Though be it vanity,
my
favorite of the choices.
November 29, 1998
render me harmless if you feel that it will make you the better person
consider me weak, if you feel that that gives you power
pretend you have a wall around me that I can not penetrate
Disillusion yourself all you want, l alone will live out of false fantasy
Kiss me
softly on the lips, oh sweet grace, rip me from the fingers of death, and
it's cold ice grip
tear me
from the fairy tale and set me into the world of reality, the world you
have denied
my mind, allow me to see into whatever windows I feel that I must
see into to live the life I feel fit for me to live
set my
feet firmly on the ground, but not my head, allow my mind to travel into
itself, only to see what that is around me
keep me
not in your drugged state so that you may control me, for really in no
ways, do your hands hold me here, you are no restraint
turn to me with no look in your eye, for judgement is on your face
feel not that I will be offended by you, for you are nothing to me
forget
me in the morning, when I have left you alone, forget me in the evening
when I am not
there to share your bed, forget me in your memory, so that I may
not haunt you, but forget me not in your dreams
Cast me not into the shadows of your mind, for I shall not live there,
the hell
you planned for me shall be the one you shall yourself suffer
I will
not be the victim of your cirumstance, I am only the patrion of my own
fate, I control it only in the borders of illusion, reality, is that denied
me.
I will
not come to your conclusions of my mind, for my mind is mine and not
yours, if insanity is the route that I am destined to take, then let me
journey
alone
If sanity
were mine to take, take it I would, with both hands, and hold it to my
face
like it were a peice of velvet that only the grace of god can allow one
to
feel
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