To All.

I left COBU in Nov 77 because I began to see a never ending
pattern develop. Try real hard to be perfect and sinless, then
be exposed for not being perfect and sinless. Over and over again.

After leaving, I expected to be executed for my unfaithfulness. I
quickly immersed myself in drugs and alcohol because frankly it
was the only way I could handle the guilt. What to do? I could
not deny the realities that Christ had revealed to me, I could
not go back to COBU, and it was obvious that I could not find
fellowship anywhere else.

In August of 79, I was keeping a journal. I wrote that I was at a
precipice. If I didn't stop I would go beyond the point of no return.
My soul cried out to God in a way that words could not. I was
near the point of death, spiritually, and I knew it. I had not
faced this level of personal realization since before I was saved.
One Sunday as I returned from a weekend trip of furniture moving, I
went to the neighborhood bar which had become my second home, to check
out the block party festivities. I met a young lady who would become
my wife. We did not meet in church, we were both partially destroyed,
we were brought together by Jesus for mutual healing.

I know the skeptics among you will scoff, but that doesn't concern me.
I know what I know and for anyone to assert otherwise of my experience is
incredibly egotistic. It was the first time Kate had ever been in  Worcester.
She came to visit her uncle. She was just eighteen and from a small town(600 )
Everyone at her uncle's table told her to stay away from me, I was big
trouble. We left together and fell in love. There was not one person I know
who thought it would work, including our families and friends, but God had
brought us together even providing the diamond ring. Two months after we had
met we were at the Boynton(that neighborhood bar) and a guy I knew from the
area came up and showed me a diamond ring. He said," you want this for your
lady?" Honestly, I made no connection between diamond/marriage (duh) I was just
thinking diamond$$$ somebody might as well get it. Kate somehow assumed
differently. Anyway, the point is it didn't cost me a cent and things like that
just don't happen every day.

Skip ahead. We got married and progeny #1 was on the way. I began to be really
concerned about getting right with Jesus because I could not handle raising
my children with a father whose life said by it's actions, there is no God.
I began to seek and pray a little, read the Bible a little, and even to
try to show my wife some of God's plan (she thought I was crazy), but something
was missing. I could not do what the Hoy Spirit had to do, convict her heart.
In Dec of 80 when Adam was a month and a half old I got a call one night. A
caller informed me that my wife had been hit broadside by a tractor trailer
and it was not known what her condition was. I could not speak, but fell to my
knees and begged the Lord to forgive me and make a way back. Whether or not
the accident related to my disobedience does not matter ( I believe it did not)
but God used my fear that it did to nudge me back.

My wife still did not understand my biblical intonations but a funny thing
happened. God led her brother to the cross through Campus Crusade and one
Sunday she went to church with him and "got saved." She came afterwards to
my sisters, where I had been and said," I hope your not mad, but I got saved"
erupting into the largest smile I had ever seen on her face. I smiled back and
said, "praise God." I felt so blessed and the next day sought out brethren to
rededicate with.

I did not stay with COBU because despite their claims to the contrary, nothing
had changed except for the names. My wife did go through the lamb course though
and has always felt blessed by having that foundation. We went to many and varied
"churches" and each time my old COBU mind would find fault and pick at things
that weren't real deep and serious. One day though, God seemed to speak to me
and tell me to be faithful to the little. I didn't like it, but was determined
to hang on with His help.

God has shown me much through that obedience and has used my wife and I
in many circumstances to help shepherd other believers into the fold. Those
who insist on real, heavy stuff may be missing that blessing or simply may be called
in another direction, one does not necessarily cancel out the other.
A just weight is a delight to the Lord.......
Balance in the church comes from not having all the eggs in one basket," He
who has ears to hear, let him hear"  Listen to what the Lord is uniquely telling you.
It can be quite exhilarating.

As we began to grow again, heal, and raise our family in Christ I began a business
and after a period of time it began to demand too much of my time( two masters)
I strayed again, and knew it but I couldn't get myself out. I prayed, " God, it
is going to have to be you." Shortly there after I walked into the office of my main
account and was told, 'we don't need you anymore as of today." No unemployment,
bills to pay, a new house. It took about two hours to regroup, but I said to
Kate, " God has never let us down and He won't now." Within ten days I had a new
job and eventually God's hand became clear. We moved to an apartment, lost the house,
went bankrupt, and suffered about four years of money and car problems. In 96 we
had landlord problems culminating in eviction at the same time Kate was battling
an undiagnosed affliction. A friend who was going through a nasty separation asked
us to move in with her until we found a new place. Three days later my wife was
diagnosed with a stage four tumor. Immediate treatment was needed.

Now, you may ask, what has this got to do with God? If I had not lost the business,
I would not have gone to work at the bakery, and would not have had the very
best insurance you could get. I had none when self employed. Had we not moved in with our
friend, we would have been forced to move again do to the nature of the illness.
My work was minimally upset because our friend did not need to work and
provided an additional caregiver. Cana Farber Cancer Institute assigned my
wife to the most rigorous regimen that had been used to date. Sixth patient
in a new cocktail style regimen. Twenty-four hour IV drip of five drug
cocktail including Taxotere for six days straight repeated three times over
three months. They bring you as close to death by poisoning as they can and
then do it again and again. That was followed by seven weeks of daily radiation and
then by surgery to remove all the lymph glands on the right side of the neck.

When all this started we cried together, then we looked at each other and
said, " God has never let us down, Lord thy will be done." I looked at
Kate and said, " The world would call this denial, but we call it surrender."

I am thrilled to say that Kate has been cancer free for over two years and
is doing better than she ever has. Surviving cancer has not only given us
the opportunity to minister to other cancer patients/survivors but the
ordeal helped my wife to emerge with a new strength which has enabled her
to finally overcome the torment of a childhood full of abuse of every kind.
She has returned to the workforce and without any previous experience
outside the home she has had four promotions in this last year. God, like He
did with Job has begun to restore everything and greater than it was.
I am now out of the bakery, the training grant has been approved, and
while I am awaiting training to start, I am already working a temp assignment
with the networking guys at GE. My brother and his whole family have been
saved, my children are serving the Lord, and we are living in a beautiful
house that God provided.

Some may say God doesn't abide there, you are looking for comfort; they know
not of what they speak. No comfort there for me except knowing that God
would show the way at the right time. I needed humbling, I know that now,
because I thought I had the only "right way."

Some may scoff and say coincidence, no proof there. Well stumble along.
If the banks crumble, or the authorities set upon you, or the rules change
because after all what is right or wrong and you lose all you trust in,
I pity you( whomever you might be). You will be left with nothing. What I
have can never be taken away. They've tried. It's enough for me whether I
can prove it to you or not.

Both stances come from fear and stubbornness.