Catnip's Collection of Jokes
THESE ARE KID FRIENDLY JOKES CLICK HERE ! For more kids jokes! (When You're done with this page of course!)(Page 2)
If you have any favorite comedians or certain kinds of jokes you would like to see here, please write me, or let me know in the guestbook and I will make a page of jokes by that person or that type just for you. Thanks again, for letting me do something to make people laugh! I love it!..
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Danny
"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his
40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have
survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the
overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son.
Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing
the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually
impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead
slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself.
He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or
something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping
he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't
understand how this could have happened.
There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and
wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took
another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes,
Dad," he said, in a voice so weak he could hardly hear.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and,
for heaven's sake, clean up this room."
(When I first made this page, these links were really great, I just checked them and some aren't there anymore, so I'm searching for the best joke sites to put here for you, Please check back for them! And, THANKS!!)My Favorite Joke Links and things
It's like Having A Free Nurse Or Doctor!! And a medical library at your fingertips!
THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs." "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'" "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night." "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!" "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
Tee Shirt Slogans
- "Filthy, Stinking Rich-----Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
- "Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
- "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
- "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
- "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
- "Procrastinate Now"
- "Rehab Is for Quitters"
- "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
- "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts-Do You Want Fries With That?"
- "Party-My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
- "If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"
- "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
- "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
- "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
- "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
- "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
- "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....Cops have nothing to go on."
- "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
- "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS-But it uses up a thousand times the memory."
- "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
- "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
- "HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"
- "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
- "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
- "Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
- "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
- "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
- "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECIVING MALE BASHING JOKES
- Q.How many men does it take to open a beer?A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
- Q.Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
- Q.Why do women have smaller feet than men? A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
- Q.How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
- Q.How do you fix a woman's watch? A.You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
- Q.Why do men pass gas more than women? A. Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
- Q.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A.The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
- All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
- Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is Wedding Cake.
- Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
- Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
- Q.Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A. Two Mothers-in-law.
- Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful!!
Please sign my guestbook, I know there isn't much on this page, but that isn't my fault! I swear, I had a lot more here and just stopped by to check it out and guess what??? over half the page that used to be here just disappeared!! Has anyone else at angelfire had any problems like this?? Well don't worry, I'm going to be putting up lots more jokes, and better ones at that. Anyway there are more on this page!
