E-Mailing God
E-Mailing God

by

Shampuu-chan the Purple Kitty.

Several months ago it occurred to me that someone, somewhere, must have the screen name "God." So I tried to e-mail it and sure enough, some rat bastard took it, but the mailbox was full. I was disappointed but undeterred; I tried several other times that week to e-mail God. Finally I became depressed, a nervous wreck, and began to tell others that God was not accepting his e-mail.

I went to a priest (well, not really. But it makes a better story) and he told me not to give up hope, to keep trying to contact God. So I did. I tried to e-mail him. Multiple times. (Voices In Head: Hundreds of times.) I wouldn't say hundreds... (Voices: Hundreds!!!) Oh, fine... mean voices... I tried to e-mail God hundreds of times. BUT HIS MAILBOX WAS ALWAYS FULL!!!

(I think this had something to do with my period of agnosticism in 8th grade. And the following transition into feminist spirituality. Goddess' mailbox was never full.)

So anyhow the other day I tried to e-mail God again. And, lo and behold, I GOT THROUGH!!!! I got through to God! I e-mailed God!!!!!!

But... (sob) He... (sob) hasn't replied... (sob, sob)

(Collapses into fit of sobbing for several hours, then recomposes self)

Please, God... if you're reading this... reply to my e-mail... please... I'm begging you... me, a small innocent girl... please reply? Please? ....pretty please? With sugar on top? And whipped cream and sprinkles and... oh, hell... screw it... did you know God backwards is dog? (Looks into the clouds) HA! HA!

(Power goes out)