Dead Soul's Journal
12/06/02 12:40 am : Dear Deejay,
I created a journal online since most ppl dont come visit anyways i mind as well, also because i feel like there is no one here for me anymore and i am grown and usally alone, my friends they have changed they dont care about being there for each other and i used to be like that but not no more i have found the joy in being there for others and acutally caring like a real friend does.... As times get even harder nowadays with friends and school....so much has changed Xue and Money's Atttitude has changed they have become very violent and threating and outraged by simple jokes that they used to take lightly...though i think they are lost they might have liked the change...i dont really know...but for me i found part of myself again...atleast the part where it looks at situations at a good view instead of mad at the world and sadden by the things that has happened approach....there is still much more to be found within myself that is lost and many new things to be learned about myself....I feel that the hardest part of my life so far isnt so much when i was lost and had no feelings just emptiness, was scared of myself, didnt care about my friends,no hope, no love, nothing...to the point where i wanted to suscide...but after all this and acutally living with the realization of all the damage i have caused during those times....i been writing so many poems mostly with the same theme though and lately i been thinking of kadee weird...dont know why...i acutally cried remembering her saying something like "I know you cant hear me but i want to tell you Things have been so hard on me but i wish for you to have the best and you dont know how much i missed you.." weird after all she has done i still cry everytime i remember this because it was the first time i heard her say so loving words to me even though she didnt know i wasnt really that drunk at the time although i did wake up right when she finished because i couldnt hear more....to hurt me more....because she wasnt mines....she broke up with me because her parent's false accusations and for her to have a new start in life although she didnt go the way she intended too....thats the most dissapointing part to me even though when my so called "one of my best friends" Tina backstab me by laughing at my tears that i cried because Sandy my niece and only family that hanged out with me and did most of the things i did...said that she didnt want me around her anymore and that i "was" her favorite uncle...it broke my heart....pieces broken into more pieces....I was always there for her....when she cried because of dad died...when she cried because her boyfriend screwed her by mess with another girl...we had the same birthdays...i even once loved her for a time....when my best friend told me i was amazed but who should i believe? they both say they are right but i trust money he is truly my best friend even though now we have grown apart...i think Tina would say such a thing since she is Sandy is her best friend and girls are...girls plus she used to always laugh at my Kadee's feelings even when Kadee wanted someone to cry to she laughed at her like she didnt care....so i could see Tina doing such a thing....Yes i admit i did talk shit about Kadee to Tina of course i was enraged by the fact i couldnt be with her and each time i was she screwed me plus she didnt want to...telling me that we can have a relationship after she returns from La cross...what the fuck!..because you wanted to see some boys...you said you would do anything to be with me....lies...all lies...I dont understand you at all Kadee...And how could it be hard choice bewteen me or Tina....I am someone who loves and cares about and is and still always here for you vs what a pretend friend! There are just so many times where i want to prove myself to you like telling that Tina wanted to bitch at you just because you went out with Dalee...that time i didnt infulence her to hate...acutally i never did....i think she always had a thing against you...yea she can say some of the reasons why she hated you was beacause of me but in what ways? maybe she was jealous for all i care....but you said that you would be on my side.....and i even told you ahead of time and said you didnt care people hating on you because you already had alot...lies....then why did you cry at arlington huh? because people were hating on you...i knew you couldnt take more....but i can say i acutally hate you for saying that you regret what happened and that i was the cause to all your problems...what selfishnesses...its ok i dont care...no i do but why would it matter anymore....just so many things on my mind but i have to sleep i can always write later...bye for now deejay.
12/10/02 11:57
Late nights i always seem to be more sentimental for some reason...i felt a hard spark of pain in my heart...why???...was reading my horiscope and saw bad things coming my way but hey its just some supersition...but all in all i have just found out i can acutally make it to the next grade w00t! hahah feel proud of myself as i am making progess got my health project done and still working on other things...i have found my long awaited start or maybe more of a feeling than a start to make it seem like my life is fresh and new....well i still got Kadee on my mind sumtimes....of course being i am not satisfied in a way...i mean i want it to be this way so she can stop hurting me and using me although she seems to not realize it....but i do want to show her no make her understand so she can finally see that i am a true friend but all in all maybe its better this way i dont noe but i do miss the simple talks with her to the listening of her voice as she makes stupid remarks....those memories of her will never fade for sum reason..
