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Jan. 25, 2003

Angst Filled Teens Get Engaged at Mounds View High School

Rebecca and Jared, previously known to me as the two grungy goths who have a perchance for making out in front of Mr. Huberty's classroom, have announced that yes...they are going to get married. After four months of intensive dating, they have already decided that they can't find anyone one better. "Yeah, hell yeah, I'd want a girl like Avril Lavigne but I've been lookin and I ain't been findin," Jared admited. Rebecca also admitted to having "the hots," for a Kurt Kobain, tortured artist type, but that Jared will do. "Jared is kinda like Kurt Kobain, I mean, he has greasy hair and he keeps a diary. Well, actually, about the diary, he's not exactly like Kurt Kobain because he really wants people to read it, he pesters me all the time about reading his entry on how he scared a little girl by wearing a sign saying that he is a convicted child molester."

After a hazy incursion into heavy pot use, Jared stumbled over to Rebecca's house and slurred out, "Willllllllllll youuuuuuu Marrrrrrrrrryyyyy Meeeee????" Rebecca's initial reaction was, "Are you joking?" Jared managed to slurrr out his proposal once again, before collapsing on her driveway, as she ecstatically jumped up and down and said "YES!!!!" before dragging Jared inside and beginning her wedding preparations.

Fellow classmates have predominantly reacted by expressing their disbelief and wondering about the sanity of two individuals who want to get engaged during high school, after 4 months of dating. Kelly Anderson, 12, remarked, "Girls my age are making the most of their adolescent years by dating and having fun with their girlfriends." Yes, Kelly can say that, being beautiful, teenage goddess that she is. Let me put it this way, she had to get breast REDUCTIONS. When I asked Jared to comment on his love life prior to meeting Rebecca, he summed it up with one word, FAILURE. "I tried to hook up, like, I would go up to a girl who wasn't even that hot and mention going to the movies or something, but she'd always look at me weirdly, mumble something, and try to avoid me. Once, there was this girl I really liked in my English Class, so I wrote her this poem about how her eyes shine like silver dollars and shit like that, then I called her....again...and again...and again. Our relationship ended when she filed a restraining order against me. Now, I can't be in any of her classes or her lunch."

When Jared met Rebecca, he transformed from being the antisocial stalker, to the one actually being stalked. When they met in Anime Club, they knew it was it. "O man. I can't describe it, we looked into each other's eyes, and damn, fireworks erupted," Rebecca gushed. "Ever since then, we've been a team. Before, I never really worked in school, neither did he. Now, we're both pulling C's, damn, he's such a genius. When I had to write a paper for English, he helped me write it, I got a B on it, my teacher was so impressed that she said I might not have to take remedial English anymore."

Rebecca remains unblighted by the criticism she has received, and is optimistic about the future success of their relationship. "I could be with him sixty years from now. When I'm down, he's always there for me. He lifts me up.....literally. When I'm depressed he picks me up, and shakes me really hard, I get kinda scared, and it makes me kinda dumb, but afterwards, I feel happy."

So, to my readers everywhere, keep in mind that when you are doing such trivial things as, studying for tests, mowing the lawn, volunteering, filling out college applications, worrying about your financial security, just think; Rebecca is sitting on her carpet, flipping through bridal catalogues, and making a pro and con comparison chart to help her decide whether a lamb or a cat should be sacrificed at her wedding.