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Quotes

How do you play religious roulette?

You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.-Anon

They say that every hour you spend exercising is another hour added on to your life. But what good is all that time if you spend it on exercise?

Bruce Willis

Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked me in a room to die. Die? I don't want to die. All the mice will get me. Mice? I hate mice. They drive me crazy. Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked....

Tom Wright

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. When toast is dropped, it always lands butter-side-down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat, butter facing up. The two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Omni

He sewed his eyes shut because he is afraid to see
He tries to tell me what I put inside of me
He's got the answers to easy my curiosity
He dreamed a god up and called it christianity
Your god is dead and no one cares
If there is a hell
I will see you there

Nine Inch Nails, "Heresy"

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

Dick Cavett
mocking the TV-violence debate

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

Who discovered that you could get milk from cows, and what the HELL did he think he was doing at the time?

I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Deep Thoughts (Jack Handy)

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Deep Thoughts

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

"Deep Thoughts"

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

"Deep Thoughts"

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself "mankind" Basically it is made up of two separate words- "Mank" and "ind" What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Deep thoughts by Jack Handy

Whether or not life is discovered there, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

Deep Thoughts

One thing kids like to be is fooled. I remember, once, I told my nephew I was taking him to Disneyworld, but I really took him to a burned down old warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyworld has burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. Then I started to take him to the real Disneyworld, but it was dark, so I went home.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey