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Ways to Reduce Stress (Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.)

- Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

- Dance naked in front of your pets.

- Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

- Tattoo "OUT TO LUNCH" on your forehead (okay guys, please don't really do this! LOL)

- When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans.

- Stare at people through the times of a fork and pretend they are in jail.

- Write a short story using alphabet soup.

A Great Exercise Program!

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

1) Beating around the bush
2) Jumping to conclusions
3) Climbing the walls
4) Swallowing my pride
5) Passing the buck
6) Throwing my weight around
7) Dragging my heels
8) Pushing my luck
9) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
Happy Exercising!

Phrases you wish you could say at work

1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

Tips Not To Follow (this was sent to me from LemonKiss0-thanks!)

  • If someone is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Quickly pour some boiling water down their throats and the blockage is instantly removed.
  • Old telephone books make good personal address books. Just cross out the names and addresses of the people you don't know.
  • To save water, take a bath with your neighbor.
  • Fool other drivers into thinking you have a car phone by holding an old tv or vcr remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and over the curb.
  • To avoid rush hour traffic, leave work at noon.
  • If you don't have time for a bath, just wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by peeling it off.
  • Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on the carpet (unless the carpet is red, then a contrasting color must be used).
  • Jam little marshmallows up your nose to see how far you can sneeze them out.
  • Drive to work in reverse to see if it saves gas.
  • Get even with a bear who raided your food by kicking his favoirte stump apart and eating all the ants.
  • Attempt to get a new car for your spouse, it'll be a great trade.

Symptoms of Inner Peace

Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has up to now been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

  • ----- Some signs and symptoms of inner peace.-----
  • A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
  • An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
  • A loss of interest in judging other people.
  • A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
  • A loss of interest in conflict.
  • A loss of the ability to worry (This is a very serious symptom).
  • Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
  • Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
  • Frequent attacks of smiling.
  • An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make happen.
  • An increase susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge ot extend it.
  • -----Warning: If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed at your own risk. By Saskia Davis