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Men are the Superior Sex?

Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge


OWNER'S GUIDE FOR CATS - submitted by Sir Reginald

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine. Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

Horses Ass

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there is the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him and left. A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said. A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over and knocked him off his stool. "Dadgum!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country." "Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!"


Bottom Deoderant

Lena walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to Lena that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, Lena assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says Lena.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said Lena, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed Lena snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."


Road Work

Lena who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. Lena agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that Lena had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out." The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that Lena only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." On the third day, Lena only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?" Lena replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

So which condom would you use....?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.


Why God?

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."


Moral Lesson

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.' "
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"


How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct

She is not a BABE or a CHICK. She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT. She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She does not NAG YOU.She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.


From the demented mind of comedian Steven Wright

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from.


You Play, You Pay

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, They spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment." On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note: "Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large." Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply: "Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord".

The Priest and The Rabbi

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No... I think I'll just wait for the police."

Excuses for why you are late for work today

1) My millennium countdown clock stopped running a couple of months ago.
2) The dog ate my laptop.
3) You know how crack dealers love to just sit and chat.
4) It took me six hours to put on my makeup (clowns only).
5) I had to find out how Blue's Clues ended.
6) Last night I made the mistake of requesting Midnight Train to Georgia - at Amtrak.
7) On my planet, being two hours late is a sign of respect.
8) It took me six hours to pick my nose (plastic surgeons only).
9) That keg of beer wasn't going to just drink itself.
10) I tried to explain to the officers, I could have sworn the sign said "Heavy Petting Zoo."



Nervous Flyer

A man has an hour to kill before his flight to Los Angeles. He decides to kill some time at an airport bar. He walks in and sits down next to a clearly nervous guy, who has three empty whisky glasses in front of him. The man introduces himself to the nervous guy, and buys him a drink. The man asks, "Nervous about flying?" The nervous guy replies, "N-n-nervous? I'm t-terrified. I j-just know the p-plane is g-going t-to crash and we're g-going to d-die." "Is this your first time flying?" "N-no, I fly c-cross-c-country all the t-time. It's m-my job." "Why don't you just ask your boss if you can drive cross-country?" "H-he would never l-let me do that" "Why not?" asks the man. The nervous guy replies, "B-because, I'm the p-pilot."

Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite...JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. ... Then you'll see what its like."


The Bible in fifty words or less!

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.


My Wife Is Going To Kill Me!

Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"


A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this right now!" "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But officer, I just wanted to say ..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the bridegroom."

The Mens Room

The male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom) Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep. Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick

10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
. 6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:
1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.


He Says, He Means

He Says: "I'm going fishing."
He Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
He Says: "It's a guy thing."
He Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
He Says: "Can I help with dinner?"
He Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
He Says: "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
He Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
He Says: "It would take too long to explain."
He Means: "I have no idea how it works.
He Says: "We're going to be late."
He Means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
He Says: "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
He Means: "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
He Says: "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
He Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
He Says: "That's interesting, dear."
He Means: "Are you still talking?"
He Says: It's a really good movie."
He Means: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
He Says: "That's women's work."
He Means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
He Says: "You know how bad my memory is."
He Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
He Says: "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
He Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
He Says: "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
He Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
He Says: "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
He Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
He Says: "I can't find it."
He Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
He Says: "What did I do this time?"
He Means: "What did you catch me doing?"
He Says: "I heard you."
He Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
He Says: "You know I could never love anyone else." He Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
He Says: "You look terrific." He Means: "Oh no, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
He Says: "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
He Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
He Says: "We share the housework."
He Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
He Says: "I don't need to read the instructions."
He Means: "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."
He Says: "I'm getting more exercise lately."
He Means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
He Says: "You expect too much of me."
He Means: "You want me to stay awake."
He Says: "I missed you."
He Means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we're out of toilet paper."


How Soon?

When the surgeon came to see his pretty lady patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

No Pets Allowed

Wilson had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, that pets weren't allowed on the cruise. So Wilson decided to leave his cat with best friend, Schlepp. Schlepp agreed to come over to Wilson's house and live with his mom for the duration of the cruise. Wilson told Schlepp, "Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of him. He's my prize-winning cat!" And with that, he left. The next day, Wilson phoned Schlepp on his cell phone and asked, "How are things?" To which Schlepp responded, "Things are fine." "How's Mom?" "Mom's fine." "How's the cat?" "The cat's fine." Satisfied, Wilson hung up. Next day, he called Schlepp again, asking the same questions.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's DEAD."
"WHAT?!?" Wilson was quite distressed. "How could you let it die? It was my prize cat!"
"Well, Wilson, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof, fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road, and got run over." Wilson was cooling down a bit now, and said, "Well, couldn't you have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and broke its leg', see what I'm saying."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, Wilson."
"Ok... bye." Wilson hung up. The next day, he phoned Schlepp again.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Umh," Schlepp said, "Mom's on the roof."


Technical Support for Etch-A-Sketch Owners

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it...


Yes, It's All True Cuz I Read It On The Internet

LMAO, yes we have all recieved all recieved these e-mails now haven't we I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable,since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC). Anyway, one day this same guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms - if you don't, the CEO of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.

Courtroom Quotes - submitted by Andrew j. Lederer

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
A: No
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Internet Pet Peeves

Just Sick of It "Alright, ENOUGH!!!! I'm sick of rumors, chainletters, and the ever-present fear of *gasp* a VIRUS!!!!! Most of all, I'm sick of the fact that almost all of these messages are started by someone with a severe inability to type. If you can't type it, please don't send the message. It's bad enough I received it, but when I have to decipher what you are saying, that just PISSES ME OFF! Ok, so and so's kid ran away with some freak from ICQ, Mary's got HIV, my grandma is dying of colon cancer, God is charging for air and my dog just ate my neighbor, wanna have cyber sex? I wish they WOULD charge for ICQ - so morons like YOU will leave ME ALONE!!!!! Anybody else feel like this?"

ICQ Commandments

Just as the 10 Commandments the Lord has given us are for our own good and guarantee a better life, so these will save alot of grief and sorrow.........

1. Thou shalt not produce/forward or even READ chain-letters. Rumor = chain-letter.....*see above*
2.Thou shalt not take ICQ's name in vain. Don't like it...don't use it. Don't slander.
3.Thou shalt love, honor and cherish your hard-drive(s).....PURCHASE an anti-virus utility.
4.Thou shalt visit the ICQ page religiously and without fail......http://www.icq.com/......
5.Thou shalt honor and obey that which is found on said page so that thou may be blessed and that thou may chat in peace.
6.Thou shalt not buy/sell or trade ICQ numbers or E-mail addresses or thou shalt surely die.
7.Thou shalt not use profanity. But if thou transgress, thou shalt look it up in a dictionary first, that thou may at least SPELL IT RIGHT!!!!
8.Thou shalt not accept .exe files from anyone you do not know and trust. If thou transgress, you have your punishment. Love, look for it. Seek it. Find it. Cherish it. But if thou seek it on the net, be weary. Thou might fall in love with a penguin. p.s. Get a life.


The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

1.Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2.Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6.Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
7.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9.Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10.Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11.Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
12.The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13.Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
14.Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15.It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.


She Was So Blonde That...

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved.
It took her months to figure out she could use her AM radio at night.
She was staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "concentrate"
She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around & went home.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
Under education on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics".
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
She sold her car so she would have gas money.
She looked into a box of Cheerio's and said, "OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!"
She had to leave her job at the pharmacy because she can't fit the prescription bottle in the typewriter.
What's the definition of "eternity?" 4 blondes at a 4-way stop
What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of blondes? A whine cellar.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? "This goes in front."



- You go to give blood and two gallons of pure lard come out.
- You get winded from exercising your right to vote.
- When you go to McDonald's, they give you your usual table.
- The roaches in your apartment go on rent strike until you fixthe rat problem.
- The VD clinic has you on a Buy One Get One Free program.
- When you want to go where everybody knows your name, you donate at the sperm bank.
- When your teeth are so yellow, you can't tell where they end and the mashed corn begins.
- Your blood type is "Smirnoff."
- Your speed dial includes The Mayo Clinic, the Betty Ford Center, and the Psychic Friends Network.
- 911 has you on their speed dial.


New Priest
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"


Rubber Gloves
A dentist recounts how he was sharing this story with an elderly lady just as he was putting on his rubber gloves "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said," No?" Well", he spoofed, "down in Puerto Rico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk up to the tank, and dip their hands in - and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up - then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and go around again." And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. She explained, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms."


Life In The Breakdown Lane
The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." "Well, show me," the officer demanded. The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer. Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

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