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Flam's Facts and Fallacies

The National Transportation Safety Board

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a program they
had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years.

The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing
black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine,
in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Minnesota was different, where 89.3% of the final words
were, "Hey, hold my beer and watch this!"


Training Courses now available for Women
(developed and taught by men):

1.Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2.The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3.Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4.Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5.Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6.Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7.Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8.Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9.Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10.Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11.Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12.Introduction to Parking
13.Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space
14.Water retention: Fact or Fat
15.Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16.Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17.Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18.Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19.PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20.Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21.Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22.Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23.Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24.Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both


submitted by Prescott

Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.
Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?
A: Lucky.
Q: What do you call a football player with no legs?
A: Place kicker.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of directions?
A: Lost.
Q: What do you call a group of girls with no singing ability?
A: N'Sync.
Q: What do you call a mad vicious killer with an ax and no regard for human life?
A: Long distance, if possible.


Dear Bill Gates

To whom it may concern:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software;severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as: DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3, to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please???!!!!

Signed, Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from thesystem, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common anda normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs verypoorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature, enter the command:
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\
I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to defualt to GrumpySilence 2.5, orworse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs,but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applicationsBoyfriend 5.0 ran Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve Husband 1.0. I recommend: HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as: FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product! Read This Very Carefully if you Have not already installed this program!!!!!!!


Top 10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School

10. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school,except for virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.
9. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc... School just sucks.
8. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like smoking something a whole hell of a lot stronger.
7. You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink.
5. Sex relieves stress. School is the cause of stress.
4. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
3. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is....
1. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless.


Phrases For The Times Of Your Life

1.And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be..?
2.Do I look like a fucking people person?
3.This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4.I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5.I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7.If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8.You!.. Off my planet!
9.If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet,I'll put shoes on my cats.
10.Does your train of thought have a caboose?
12.Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13.Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14.A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
15.Allow me to introduce my selves.
16.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
17.Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
18.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
19.See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
20.Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
21.I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
22.I have a computer, a vibrator & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
23.Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
24.Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
25.It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
26.A woman's favorite position is the CEO.
27.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
28.A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
you haven't fallen asleep yet.
30.Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
31.I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
32.Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
33.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
34.Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
35.Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36.Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37.I plead contemporary insanity.
38.And which dwarf are you?
39.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
40.Meandering to a different drummer.
41.I majored in liberal arts.Will that be for here or to go?



Personal Information: Name___________
CB Handle______________
Yore Mama______________
Yore Daddy (if known)________________
Spouse's Name_________________
Relationship to spouse:
__Sister _ Brother__Mother__Father _Pet _Aunt _Uncle
___Unemployed Mechanic ___Gun Show Dealer___Skinhead
Number of Children in Household____
Number that are yours___
Circle Highest Level of Education: 1 2 3 4
How Far is Your Mobile Home From a Paved Road:
___1mi. __5 mi. ___?
Number of Times You Have Survived a Tornado:___
Number of Vehicles Owned:____
Number on Cement Blocks____
Truck Equipment: ___Gun Rack ___Pit Bull ___SpitCup ___Fuzzy
Dice___Rebel Flag ___Naked Woman Mudflaps ___NWO and/or NRA sticker
Weapons Owned:
___Tire Iron ___Pick Handle ___Beer Bottle ___Shotgun
Number of Dogs Owned:____
Number of Homemade Tattoos:____
Which of the Following Appliances are in your front Yard:
___Friggerator ___Heatin Stove ___Warsher___TV___Freezer
How Many of the Above Appliances Work:____
Fav-o-rite Recreation:
___Drinkin ___Cow Chip Throwin ___Possum Huntin___Crawdad Huntin
___Spittin Backy ___Scratchin___Watchin Wrasslin
If You Can Read, Which Magazines Do You Prefer:
___Soap Opera Digest ___NWA ___Rifle and Shotgun ___NWA___TV Guide
__National Enquirer __True Confessions
Which Stinks Worse: ___Hogpen ___Outhouse___Spouse
Can You Spell Your Last Name:___Yup ___Nope
Can You Remember Your Last Name:___Yup ___Nope
Have You Ever Stayed Sober for More Than One Day:___Yup ___Nope
Do You Know Any Words with More Than 4 Letters:___Yup ___Nope
Which is Correct?: ___"I Seed Him" or ___"I Seen Him"
How Many Cartons of Cigarettes Do You Smoke a Day?___
Math Test: How Many Food Stamps Do the Following Cost?
___Six Pack ___Ciggies ___Shotgun Shells ___Backy___Prostitute
Number of Times You've Seen:
___a UFO ___ Elvis___Elvis in a UFO
Health Questionaire: Which of the Following Do You Have?
___Head Lice ___B.O. ___Crabs ___Runny Nose___Boils
Can You Remember the Last Time You Bathed?___yup___nope
Color of Teeth:
___Yellow ___Brown ___Black ___N/A
I hereby swear this is the trooth and sign my "X" on



01) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
02) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
03) Insist that your e mail address is:Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
04) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
05) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
06) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
07) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 08) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
09) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing Along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in>the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies
24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do"
29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"
30) Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"

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