True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere...
Short story
1. The college girl was supposed to write a short
story in as few words as possible for her English
class and the instructions were that it had to
include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is
what she wrote: Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.
.....................................................
roses will please yer noses...but petal softly or the thorns will pierce yer toes`s
roses is red....violets is blue....ifin you had kissed me before....then you`d a knew
miss patti cakes...
out in the garden..
with yer flower rake...
the scent of the roses....
may please yer noses...
dont step on em for petes sake...
else the thorns will pierce yer toses...
----------------------------------------------------
afternoon
ima singin muh tune...
a bayin at da moon...
ifin ima luckie ......
i`ll be a seein ya soon...
and i just might be...
gaspin a big swoon...
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Amazing
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg
THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too and I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"
Mother's Milk......
Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term.
The last question was "Name seven advantages of mothers milk," worth 70
points or none at all.
One student who had also partied the night before, was hard put to
think of seven advantages.
He finally wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature
5. It is inexpensive
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell
indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...........................
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He got an "A."
http://
The Blind Date
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go
next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her,
"How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.
lifes whispers ride the winds..
to all the places we have been
and echo back to us...
every now and then ...
a gentle breeze passes by....
reminds us of a time of need
while here i`sa sittin
my gitar i`sa pikin
cause mom`s in the kitchin
a pluckin and a pikin
a big fat ole chicken
the soup is a thikin`in
and i is a grinnin
cause ize a coyote
that really luv`s chicken
the taste of chicken gizzards
is better than a green lizzard
i`d rather bite a rattler
than listen to a song by barry saddler
the life on the priarie
out in the clean airie
is the only place to be
and thats where you will find me
just south of tucumcari
Is anybody happier
because you passed this way?
Does anyone remember
that you spoke to them today?
The day is almost over,
and its toiling time is through.
Is there anyone to utter
now a kindly word of you?
Can you say tonight in parting
with the day that's slipping fast,
That you helped a single person
of the many that you passed?
Is a single heart rejoicing
over what you did or said?
Does the one whose hopes were fading
now with courage look ahead?
Did you waste the day or use it?
Was it well or sorely spent?
Did you leave a trail of kindness,
or a scar of discontent?
As you close your eyes in slumber,
do you think that God will say:
"You have earned one more tomorrow
by what you did today?"
On a tree limb i sit with you
watching the bears hawk and fox` too
a little mouse scurries by..
ever watchful of the hawks keen eye
enters his door,behind.., him locks
once again he escapes the mighty hawk
while in a tree limb we do sit..
and as the leaves begin to fall
there will be snow flakes all around
together falling to the ground
they will cover troubles you have found
just set them under my tree....
they will dissapear--I gaurentee--
Yes just place them inthe forest
under the tree--
Witchy will dispose of them
just you wait and see
POET
Readers Digest Oxford Compete Wordfinder defines poet as; a writer of poems. A person possessing high powers of imagination or expression
Poem is defined as"a metrical composition, usually concerned with feeling or imaginative description"
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came
walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?.
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.
Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde,
wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father."
and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady." "Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?."
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied.
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
Oly and Lena were enjoying their morning coffee when a knock at the door revealed the census taker on his rounds. He was welcomed and seated at the table and served coffee and smultringer.
Then, he began his recording, getting full names and details on the pair and when he asked how many children they had, Lena said,
"Yust vun minute." She called out, ............
"Helga and Olga, Sven and Olof, Haakon and Tosten, Ingeborg and Marit, Eric and OgHans... come on in here, vud yu?"
The kitchen filled up with twins to the amazement of the census taker. After he finished recording all their details, he nervously turned to Lena and asked, "Mrs. Olsen, did you get twins every time?"
Lena blushed a little, and whispered, "Oh, no! Dere vas tousands of times ve got notting.