Have you ever tried to rob a liquor store with a water pistol and right as you were leaving the store with the money the cops pull up. Of course they're there so they can get their "nightly beverage," but when they see you with a bag of money, a water pistol, and the last bottle of the "good stuff" that they wanted, they chase you down the street. Thank God for all the donuts they consumed earlier or they might have gotten past 20 yards without having to take a breather. So, you're standing there at stop lights waiting for the walk sign to start showing, and since you see no other cars around, you just go. Little did you know that a cop car was sitting there watching you, and arrests you for jaywalking. Has that ever happened to anyone? Is it just me?
Where's the rant in all of that? I'll tell you where it is! It's all over the damn place! First of all, don't rob a liquor store. That's just stupid. You rob a Rainbow foods or something, at least there's going to be no one there!
Secondly, nobody, and I do mean NOBODY is going to fall for the old hold-up-a-liquor-store-with-a-water-pistol gag, and if by some stupid chance that it did in fact work, then that person DESERVES to be robbed... at least 3 times a week!
Thirdly, there's no such thing as the "good stuff". If you think that there is, you're mistaken. No, trust me you are. No alcohol is good for you, no matter what anyone says. If you need alcohol to have fun, or to make your life exciting, then you're a boring person and should jump off a bridge because nobody cares about you.
Fourthly, the cops are always going to show up. That's just a fact. If they weren't called, they're just there "doing their rounds". You're always going to get caught doing something wrong, do just don't do anything wrong and everything will be fine.
Fifthly, even Big Daddy could outrun a donut eating, coffee chuggin, ticket givin, bald headed, penis lackin, horizontally challenged, cop! It's true, it's true!
Lastly, I hate stop lights. I do, I do. They just suck! Between me and just my bank, which is about a mile and a half from my apartment there are 3 stop lights, all of which are just a pain in the ass. No matter what time of day, no matter how long the lights seem to be, and no matter which way you're coming from, those lights will find a way to make sure you get a red. They are completely pointless!! At night, when there's NO ONE around, you'd think they would have the sides that the highway is on go on green most of the time just so the main flow of traffic could just keep going. Is that the case though? Nope! They have the stupid lights on timers, so about every minute they change to red and let the cross traffic side turn green. Too bad about 9 out of every 10 changes THERE ARE NO CARS TO CROSS! Does that matter to the lights? Nope! They stopped you and that's all that mattered! Pointless! COMPLETELY POINTLESS!
Speaking of pointless, anyways catch the fact that the "Little Mermaid 2" came out last week? I saw a billboard, a FREAKIN BILLBOARD, advertising it. It was the cute little picture with the title at the top and then it had the ocean and two mermaid tails sticking out of the water. Does that mean that Ariel has a child? That's all we freakin need, TWO of them! One was bad enough, but TWO! With one being the child of the first? BAH! DIE DISNEY!! How could you do such a thing to the little people of this world! How could you sleep at night knowing you're molding our future into terrorists with such pointless movies! Now I'm going to have to come out with movies of my own just to counteract what you've done. So, pretty soon look on the self for such titles as "Big Daddy Shoots Babar", "Big Daddy Explains Your Parent's Mistake: The Hole That Changed it All", "Using a Tasor: Fun For The Whole Family", and soon to be a #1 bestseller "Buns of Blubber". Collect them all!