I'll start off with my sexiness, since there's just SO much of it. How do I know I'm sexy? That's easy, why, just the other day, I was driving around in my convertible, and I came up to a stop light and was right next to a car filled to the brill with attractive young women. Well, suffice it to say that as soon as they saw me in all my glory, they were yelling and screaming they're undying love for me and even attempted to get out of the car to rip off my shirt. I couldn't blame them of course and even would have let them if the light hadn't turned green at that moment. So, I laughed at them, said good bye and off I went. Well, they jumped back in the car and came after me and soon I had a whole train of cars following me, trying to get me to pull over to sign autographs and give them suvenier trash from floor of my car. There was even one woman who said she'd clean up my car with her tongue for just a hug! Now THAT'S SEXY! Of course I didn't let her do it, and I gave her hug anyways. I'm WAY too kind and caring for me to let some woman do that.

Which brings me to my next point. The fact that I'm the most kind and caring man on the planet. No matter what the problem my fans, or my friends have, I'm here for them. No problem too big, no fan to unimportant, that's MY motto! I'll give an example. I was taking a nice stroll in the park one evening a few weeks ago when I came across this little girl who was extremely upset. I walked up to her and I said, "Excuse me little girl, but is there something wrong?" She looked up at me with tear filled eyes and pointed up the tree she was standing in front of and when I looked up I saw a beautiful little kitten on a branch way up the tree. She said a mean man can running past her and grabbed her kitten and THREW it up the tree. Well, I couldn't have that! No child should be without a nice furry, loveable kitten. So, up the tree I went without a moments hesitation and reunited the little girl and her adorable little kitten. She was so overwhelmed, she couldn't talk and just held onto me like I was a god. Now, if that's not kind and caring, I don't know what it. Can you think of anyone that's done something like that without even once thinking about his own safty or well-being? I think not.

The next part of me that makes me "perfect" is my highly charged intellgence and cleverness. This is going to be easy to prove to all of you. How is that so? Simple; I out smarted an entire college from New York! Now, I know that such a feat is a pretty simple one to achieve, but come on, not very many people can do that. Here's the story of that. One evening, I'm sitting at my comp updating my site when a lady that I know from New York messaged me and was in dire need of my assistance and wisdom. With her being a die-hard fan and president of my fan club for stalkers, I couldn't turn my back. She decribed her situation like this: The night before, a bunch of girls got together in the dorms and drank... a lot. One of the girls, a girl that didn't even go to the school got so drunk she had to spill her insides and made her way for the toliet. Now, this dorm is one where the entire floor shares the bathroom and lets just say the girl didn't quite make it all the way and didn't quite get all of it into the hole. Just think of it as a man trying to piss. Easy enough, right? Well, the next day the girls from the party recieved a letter in the bathroom from a group of bitches from the floor that read as follows.

"Dear puke-face,
Thank you for making our morning so enjoyable. There is nothing like walking into this bathroom and getting bombarded by the thick, sickly smell of putrid vomit. We are very greatful for the kindness you show us by leaving your puke everywhere."

Well, I can see a challenge when there's one there to be seen and so I took the assignment. What was it? To simply out smart and come up with a letter back to them that would blow their minds. No one seemed to be able to do that at the college and so they came to me, Big Daddy. Within 10 minutes, I came up with a brillant work of art. My responce back to them was:

"To My Fellow Puke Lovers,
I was touched by your letter and felt a lump grow in my throat at how I made your day that much better. I will not only promise not to clean it up, but to get my fellow drinking buddies to join in the fun, JUST to make your days that much brighter. Also, to make sure that you wake up with a happy feeling, I'll put a little vomit by each of your doors so that you can not only have the yummy vomit smell in the bathroom, but also in your rooms. I thank you for the letter, and hope I don't let you down!!!!!!"

I'm sure I need not go further with talking about my brillance.

Last, but CERTAINLY not least, there's my sense of humor. There isn't a man alive that can out wit, or out humorize me. Even the word humorize is funny! Everyone better be laughing dammit! Ahem... anyways, I'm a funny man. I'm hilarious! I'm SO funny, all I need to do is say "LAUGH" and people laugh! It's great! Just the other day, I riding the car with a few friends and the whole time all I said was, "HA, I've got something funny to say, so 'LAUGH' " and they laughed. That was the entire conversation. Even people I didn't know looked over at me when I would say "LAUGH" and then THEY would start laughing! It was great! That's just how funny I am. I have such a good reputation for being funny that I don't even have to try anymore. Too bad more people couldn't be as funny as me. But then again, no one CAN BE! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! See, that in itself is funny too! DAMN I'm GOOD!

What makes me so good is my ability to distort the truth. How have I done that you may be asking? Well, along with being charming, sensitive, sexy, intelligent, creative, sexy, clever, a complete gentleman, funny, not to mention kind, caring, and down right sexy, I also have a conscience. What my conscience is telling me to do is tell the whole story. STUPID conscience!

I'm sure as you were reading over those stories above you came across some "doubt" in your mind that I wasn't being honest with you. That I was making those stories up in an attempt to make myself seem more then I am. Well, whereas those stories DID take place, I MIGHT have left out a detail or two.

The story about the girls in the car and then the train of cars following me. That DID take place, BUT what I DIDN'T tell you was that the reason they were screaming when they saw me was that I was reaching in the widow and tearing off THEIR shirts! They DID get out of the car, but not to rip my shirt off, but to get theirs back. The light did turn green and I did laugh and drive away. They followed me just like I said, and the train of cars did also happen. What I DIDN'T tell you was that a cop saw the whole thing, called in reinforcements and the train of cars were all police squads trying to chase me down. The hugging of that one girl was a female police officer patting me down for weapons. So you see, my story was true... from a certain point of view.

The story about the girl and the cat happened just like I said, EXCEPT I left out a few minor details again. For one, I was bored and so I took the hood out of my coat, put it over my head and ran for the kitten the little girl was holding. Once I grabbed that and I made sure she was running and screaming after me, I chucked that stupid cat up the tree! I was hoping it would just drop to the ground with a nice little "SPLAT" but noooooo, stupid thing had claws and latched onto a branch. Stupid cat. Well, the little girl stopped at the tree and so I ran around the park, put away the hood and walked up to her acting all nice. Although I did feel bad and felt that I needed to right the wrong that I had caused and so like I said, I reunited the two of them. What I DIDN'T tell you was that when I rushed up the tree for the cat, I grabbed the little girl and brought her up there as well and left them both in the damn tree! HA! Stupid girl! Stupid cat! She was overwhelmed and holding onto me, but that was until I made her let go and climbed back down. Oh well, water under the bridge.

With the last two stories, there's really nothing to tell. The cleverness and my out smarting the entire college in New York is completely true, with nothing held back or out. I'm sure everyone could have guessed that because come on, it's New York! BUT, as for the second story about my just having to say "LAUGH" and everyone laughs, wellllllll, I MAY have embellished a little bit. Whereas I'm REALLY quite amusing, I'm not THAT amusing. The part about the people in the other car laughing was true also, they weren't laughing at me saying "LAUGH" though. Nope, they were just plain pointing and laughing at me. Go figure. Stupid people.

All in all, I'm da man. I'm a sexy bitch. I'm the man all you women want your sons to grow up like. I'm kind, sensitive, big on manners, a complete gentleman, funny, sexy, handsome, sweet, caring, creative, out-going, witty, and I'm sure a whole bunch of other colorful metaphors could describe me, but I'm sure everyone gets the point. Here's my advice to you. Think like me. Feel like me. Talk like me. BE ME, and all your cares and worries will just drift away and you too can achieve perfection. So, til next time! Good-bye my friends!