A Little Humor To Brighten your day
"A blonde was on the job for her first day of work. She was sent to go get coffee for everyone, so she grabbed her thermos and hurried to the local coffee shop. Holding up the thermos, she asked the clerk if it was large enough to hold six cups of coffee. He studied it a moment, and said that he thought it was.
She said "Good! I'll have two black, two decaf, and two cream and sugar!"
The Bus Ride
A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and
chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only 2 seats left on
the bottom of the bus and only 1 seat in the top of the bus available when
they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin
to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss.
A couple of hours later it's the red heads turn so she walks up the
stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's
clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.
"What's goin' on?" the red head asks. "We're havin' a grand old time
The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was
somewhat taken back by this recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She called the police at once and reported the
The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels and a K-9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the
house with his dog on a leash, the blonde woman ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps,
put her face in her hands and moaned, " I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do????"
"They send me a BLIND POLICEMAN."
There's a red head, a brunette, and a blonde standing in front of a
firing squad. The captain called to the red head
asking, "Do you have any
last words?" "No," said the red head. So the captain blind folded her, then
said to his troops, "Ready, Aim,...." The red head yelled, "HURRICANE!!!"
Everyone turned around trying to find it. When they turned back around the
red head was gone.
So, the captain said, "Bring me the brunette." "Do you have any last
words?" The captain asked her. "No," the brunette replied. The Captain
blind folded her, then turned to his troops and said "Ready, Aim, F....." ,
"Tornado," Yelled the brunette. Everyone again turned to see where it was.
When they didn't see it they turned around and she was gone.
So the captain said, "Bring me the blonde!!!" "Do you have anything to
say before I blind fold you? Speak now it you do." "No," replied the blonde.
She said it worked for the red head and the brunette she was going to try
it. So the captain turned to his troops and said in an angry voice. "READY,
AIM, FI......" The blonde yelled "FIRE."
Clyde, a farmer in Alabama, decided his injuries from the accident were
serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the
accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was
questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details,"
the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did you
not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of the accident?" Clyde said, "Well,
yes, but I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down
the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying
to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several
weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is
a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole
Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by
her groans. "About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. "After
he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me and said, 'And, how are you feeling?'"
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls
Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out,
and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An
employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it
there. Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy
to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?" The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can
I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
God's View on Oral Sex
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it-a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this obsession with oral sex.
According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity." Replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it.
Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did.
Do you know what the letter said?
Hmmm, So, You didn't get the letter either, huh?
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself
to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The
captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the
magician did in every trick Once he understood that, he started shouting in
the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's
parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a
piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by
his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with
the boat ?"
Did you hear about the blonde that...
Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a
Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and
the box said '2 to 4 years'.
Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
Couldn't call 911 because there is no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered 'C'.
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said
hour per pound and she weighed 125.
Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those
Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
Got hurt while raking leaves - fell out of the tree.
Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said
'good for up to 20 pounds'.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained
that the other swimmers were using their arms.
What goes 'vroom-screech-vroom-screech-etc? A blonde at a flashing
Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger
when one says 'hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down'.
You shouldn't let blondes take coffee breaks; it takes too long to