Planet Jake Under Construction
Thursday, May 20, 2004, 5:30 PM CST

Well, it's been six years, almost seven. And after six years, Planet Jake is going under it's most majorest reconstruction ever. So, unfornutely, for you, the five people who frequent this website (AKA: Mom, Dad, Grandma, myself, and a vase-dealer from Bangor named Dishkar), that means that Planet Jake will be shut down for some undetermined amount of time. Hopefully, if I'm ambitious enough, it'll be back online in two weeks (around the beginning of June 2004). Which means if you're reading this, and it's December 2008, I have a) Regretfully given up on the project, b) Been abandoned on some faraway island, or c) Been killed by my hundreds of action figures that have mysteriously come to life and are seeking revenge for being cooped up in a box for five years. So, in each respective case, you should a) Send me threatening emails until I update or flee the country, b) Send help...preferably in the form of Jeff Probst (just seems like he can assign me enough ridiculous challenges that one of them ought to get me off of this damn island), or c) Avenge my death; preferably by ripping the arms and legs off of each of my action figures and burning those sorry bastards' torsos for what they did to me and my family. How dare you, action figures. How dare you kill me. And in my sleep, too. Holy shit, you guys are ruthless, blood-thirsty demons. You will all pay.

In the meantime, however, while I'm updating my site or plotting my revenge against my action figures (I'm gonna get that bastard Captain America first...), I decided that it would be nice, after over six years of orbiting this giant, fiery ball I like to call the "Web Sun" (I'm going off the whole Planet Jake thing, if it wasn't apparent...idiot.), to give "mad props" to the people and things that contributed to this imaginary little world I have created. So, without further ado, let us kick off the Planet Jake "Mad Props" Awards. Fo' shizzle.

Well, first off, I'd like to thank the Packard Bell Multimedia R500 Computer. Sure, you may only be used by my parents once every three months, and there may be a radio resting on your back, and you may be a certifiable piece of shit, but you were the first computer in my life. I remember the day our family got you. We played some strange Chinese tile game on you incessantly. Then, the time came when I wanted a website of my own. Actually, I wanted a website far before you came along, but you, R500, made that dream a reality. I remember the times we had, and they were, oh, so fun. Like the time you refused to shut down for no reason at all. Dad blamed me, so I deleted all of my files. As it turned out, it was the anti-virus software that was the culprit. And you thought it was pretty damn funny, didn't you. Anyway, thank you, R500. Some day, when we're both old and retired, I'll open up your insides and smash you to pieces. I don't know, because it'll probably be fun.

Secondly, I must give it up for Angelfire for being so awesome as to offer free webspace. Sure, it's only a device to make money, but what isn't, nowadays. Even little girls with lemonade stands want to make money. So thank you, Angelfire, for being the little girl to give me the tastiest cup of lemonade that I have ever had. (Best. Analogy. Ever.)

Next, I'd like to thank my own fingers. Yes, I have taken you for granted, and I'm sorry. If it weren't for all ten of you, things would take an awful long time to do around here. Like, say I only had nine fingers, with the left ring finger gone. Things would sort of look like this: "Thi i me typing ithout my ring finger." So, yes, I am appreciative of all ten of you awesome little ones. Yes, even you, left thumb, even though I just realized you do absolutely nothing useful when it comes to typing. (Note about the picture: I realize that only the left fingers are being displayed. I'm quite sorry, righties, but you were used to take the picture.)

Nextly, I'd like to thank one of my best friends: The Oxford American Desk Dictionary and Thesaurus. It's not until I write something down that I realize I have little to no idea what it means. Take the word incipient, for example. I'm pretty sure I've heard it before. I was probably at some dinner party and some guy said, "During the incipient phase of the inaugural initiation, I was matriculated into the program and, I must say, I was quite mawkish," and I probably just nodded and said, "Yeah, I know!" But, in reality, I didn't know. I had no idea what this man said. And I would not even try to figure it out, as most of my mental energy would be directed towards restraining myself from punching this man in the nuts and saying, "Ya feelin' mawkish now, ain't ya!" So, anyway, thank you, Oxford, for making sure I didn't look like an idiot while also supplying alternatives to words that I had not yet thought of. I've probably used you four times while writing this already, so of course you know your value. *Hugs*

And lastly, but certainly not leastly, in fact, perhaps mostly, I thank you. For reading, commenting, and emailing. In the six-plus years I've done this, I've enjoyed designing, writing, and learning, but nothing compares to the satisfaction of knowing that some people actually enjoy it. Whether it was friends I showed during library research time in high school, or a member of my family, or someone I have never met, it's always nice to hear the laughter or read compliments about what I've done. Even after neglecting to update for almost a whole year, I actually just received an email in reference to the site. In fact, a big reason Planet Jake is being reconstructed now is because I received an email from someone who wanted another update. Well, my friend, here you are.

Was that too sappy for you? Well then you can go straight to hell.

Come back in two weeks.

-Jacob, King of Planet Jake