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Senior Class Prophecy

By: Nick Gohman & Nick Rud
Maple Lake High School
June 4th 1999

Back in the Summer of 1999, we were involved in an experimental laboratory project to deep freeze Sweedish meatballs and beef stroganof for future use. Unfortunately, one day there was an accident and we were cryogenically frozen in carbonite. It took 20 years before anyone could figure out how to get us out. we were unfrozen largely due to the efforts of super scientist, and former classmate JANELLE WEZGRAY. It's only natural that MATT SKREEN, one of the top doctors in town, needed to examine us before they released us into the world again.

Once we were free to venture into this new extraodinary world of wonders, we decided the first order of business was to track down the people we knew, the MLHS graduating class of 1999. As we strolled through the streets of Maple Lake, we noticed a few things had changed. It had become one of the major metropolitan areas in the world.

We were suddenly encountered by a strange looking street bum, who tried to steal our wallets. To our shock it was JAKE DINSMORE. In a flash he dashed away as the city sheriff, JEFF STADTHERR, was in hot persuit of him. He fled into ROBIN FOUQUETTE's jewelry store where he was apprehended. He was then taken to the Judge STACI PRIBYL show to stand trial.

Since Maple Lake had become such a big city, we had to go to APRIL KORFE's vehicle dealership to rent a landspeeder. From there we decided that after 20 years we desperately needed a haircut. There was only one choice, the world renowned hair stylist MITCH ALLBEE. On our way there we were amazed to see all the shops and stores some of our classmates had owned. KATIE GOLBY had started her own dental service, RUSS PAUMEN was the CEO of his own steel wool factory, and PAT NEMEC was the President of the machine factory that produced protocol droids.

We put our speeder on autopilot and decided to try out our futuristic interactive television. It was on MTV 2000, and we saw two familiar faces on the screen. It was JAY LUEBBERS and STACIE HUDEK singing their new blockbuster smash love ballad, "Midget Love." But they weren't the only group from our class to make it big. VH1 was showing DAVID DOOHER and BEN PEARCE playing unplugged. We flipped it to NBC where the NBA Finals were taking place. To our amazement TRAVIS SMITH had gotten leg extensions surgically implanted by Dr. BRAD WINTER, and was now 6'10" power forward for the L.A. Clippers. During the halftime report, LISA HEGLE was being interviewed by MANDY GILLAND about her MVP award with the Minnesota Lynx. She then reported that MICHELLE KEMPENICH had just thrown a no-hitter in the Olympic gold medal game.

Just then there was a breaking news flash, and reporter THERESA JANIAK was updating the situation live in Kosovo. It seems two brave soldiers, JOE WAGNER and ERIC SCOTT have been captured by Kosovo intelligence agents. U.S. military general C.J. WILLEMS issued put the Green Berets, lead by JAMIE LAFRINIERE, on a rescue mission to save private Joe and captain Bob. DAVE BARSTOW, first lieutenant and leaser of the first fight squadron, dropped the team off somewhere in the jungles of Afghanistan to begin their mission.

We finally arrived at Allbee's Hair Joint, and while we were waiting in line we picked up a copy of one of EVAN RASMUSSEN's critically acclaimed children't books, which were quite fascinating. Along with the book was a magazine rack, and we were overjoyed to see SUE LEAHY on the cover of "People Magazine." She had become the first astronaut ever to travel at the speed of light while cooking cheese curds in a fry daddy. Insidethe magazine was another story of someone we know. It turns out that during a Maple Lake City traffic jam, ED WYMANN helped a very wealthy woman deliver 12 babiesin her limo. He was rewarded handsomely and is now living a life of luxury.

We finally got some marvelous hair cuts and decided to try our hand at a little gambling. We set our courses for the races, CARMEN ELSENPETER's purebred cow races, that is. As we arrived, we witnessed a man jumping frantically for joy, it was SHAWN LEMIEUX. It seems he had just was billions betting on his cow, which he trained himself. Suddenlyout of nowhere we were viciously attacked by a rabid alligator. Then, like a superhero from a comic book, REGGIE FULLER swooped down and wrestled the beast into submission. It turns out Reggie had made his living protecting the innocent people of the streets of Maple Lake from these wile creatures. It just so happened that he had a couple extra tickets to the WCW Monday Nitro extravaganza, and gave them to us. On our way, our speeder's power converter suddenly exploded, and we needed a mechanic immediately. Luckly, KIETH GEORKE's repair shop was just down the block. Although the task waould be no problem for him, it would take us a few hours to recharge the energy cell. We decided the best way to spend the few hours would be to go to Broadway, which was now conveniently located in Maple Lake.

As we walked, a giant billboard approached. We pondered, "What? Could it be?! Is it?" It was STEVE HRUBY in the latest Calvin Klien undergarment ad. Just as surprising was another ad for AARON JUDE's Karate studio. It seems he has been a master of the martial arts for many a moon now. We continued to walk and began to hear some commotion. Soon we saw hundredsof picket signs and people; it was the Anti-cheese Movement, led by their fearlessleader DONNY STUMPF. he told us that he was in the farming business with GREG PRIBYL and MARK MCALPINE, but decided to follow his own destiny of banning cheese forever. He went on to say that Greg had developed a new super hover tractor for the 21st Century, and Mark had taken over and bought iowa to farm himself.

As we got closer to Broadway we noticed a movie was being filmed on location. We saw that ERICA FOSS was the producer for the movie, so we decided to see what she was filming. She told us that she was doing a documentary entitled, "When Baby Muskrats Attack!" She asked us if we recognized the man in he muskrat costume; it was her star actor ERIC SCHMIDT. He yelled, "Look Out!", and a furry flying object came crashing to the ground. It was stunt man supreme MATT FOBBE. As his body hit the ground he screamed in agony, something had gone terribly wrong. To our horror we saw the gruesome sight of a shattered toe nail. He was rushed to the hospital where head nurse BETH ROWER saved his life. We were a little shaken up from the incident and knew that some good psychiatric help would soothe the soul. We ventured to Psychiatrist BECKY ZETAH who helped us cope with the awful account.

Back to Broadway we went, but we were torn between which show t otake in. Once we saw the sign however, we knew we were going to see BRIAN PETERSON and WADE PERSONS in the newly newly revised version of "The Riverdance." The show was spectacular and we found out that WENDY MOONEY was the amazing choreographer for the extravaganza. By now it was time to pick up the speeder. We took an alternate route on the way back to the shop to see some new scenery. We were flabbergasted to see that SEAN SPIKE and TOM WURM had opened a dance studio for retired motocross racers. We heard some dogs barking and looked to see that BRANDON GEYEN was making a living grooming poodles. Across the street from that was MELANIE PUNCOCHAR was very successful with her booming day-care center. Finally we were back at the shop; DARRELL MUEHLENHARDT was also there getting his four-wheeler fixed. It seems he has been riding four-wheelers non-stop for 15 years.

We fired up the speeder and we were off to the WCW extravaganza. As we made our way to our front row seats, the Nitro Girls were already performing on center stage. To our amazement, TRACY RAICHE, BETH BLIZIL, and BECKY JOST were among the dancers. The crowd frantically roared as the routime came to an end, and the main event was about to begin. It pitted the dangerous "Polish Power Ivan Putsky" vs. the reigning champion Wong Mysterio Jr., know to us as ERIK FISHER. The match was stupendous, and as the event came to an end, we knew it was time to get some grub. On our way we passed Peglow Tower, the tallest skyscraper in Maple Lake, where Katie Peglow runs her own travel agency.

Just up ahead we noticed a giant toroise crossing the street. We knew he was heading for JILL OFTELIE's shelter for homeless turtles. Finally we arrived. It was an immense restaurant/hotel complex owned by the notorious MIKE PROVO, and was built by SCOTT SYLVESTER. Scott was also reponsible for the building of nearl every complex in Maple Lake. As we passed the lobby we saw a bunch of energetic kids splashing in the pool, and then heard a familiar voice squealing at the kids to settle down. To our astonishment it was KAREN PASHBY, who was recently voted the teacher of the year. She was celebrating her achievements with her class at the hotel. We were walking up to the desk to ask where the resaurant was, when we observed APRIL REICH scrubbing the carpet. we questioned April on what she was doing, and she told us that she made millions in th carpet shampoo business.

Our stomachs were telling us it was time to eat, and we couldn't help but follow the remarkable smell coming from the kitchen. We were stunned to see ANDY LIPPONEN wearing a chef's hat, and stirring a pot from which the smell was coming. It turns out Andy was on a world tour to promote his world famous chicken gumbo soup. As we were paying for a taste of the scrumptious delight, we were stupified to see LAURA HAGLIN's face on the seven dollar bill. She had become the first female President of the United States. Just behind us in line for a good old bowl of soup was JUSTIN KAUFMAN. We told him the story of how we missed the last 20 years, and he told us that he had constructed a time machine that would enable us to go back to the year 1999, and fully live our lives.

But before we went back, there was one thain that bothered us. now we knew the futures of all of our classmates, but we didn't know our own. So we went to see the amazing psychic WESLEY ROLLINGS. We were overcome with joy to hear that I, NICK RUD would become a circus midget, and I NICK GOHMAN would become a burrito vendor at that circus. So here we are back in 1999, moments from graduation, hoping your destiny is filled, and all your dreams come true. May the force be with you!