Mystery Science Theater 3000 presents:

#803: The Mole People

Smiling idiot John Agar takes Hugh Beaumont of Human Duplicators fame and Nestor Paiva beneath the surface of the Earth so that they have no place to run when he begins his windy pontificating through his muscled pie-hole. There they find Alan Napier (better known as Alfred, the perfect butler in the 1960s Batman tv series) and other thin men living out their sad existence in pleated skirts. Though aggressive at first, the pigmentless dress-wearers are cowed by Agar's mighty flashlight and shown the secret of their slaves, The Mole People.

Actually, it's a matter of some controversy whether the mole creatures or their masters are the eponymous ones. Both could be considered "Mole People," as the former are indeed "moles" of a sort and the latter live among them - "Mole People." I became distracted by this and don't remember the rest of the movie, though I think Agar and friends escape. Without Nestor Paiva, no big loss. Director Virgil Vogel also made the classic This Island Earth. Go figure.

Prologue: Crow claims he's a space child because he has replaced his normal inanimate eyes with glowing balls. His "Supreme Leader" orders him to enslave Mike, Tom and Gypsy, but he can't get it together and naturally, they remain un-enslaved.

Segment One: It's Lawgiver Daze! Pearl Forrestor forces her simian charges to honor her with lame floats and lifeless parades. Professor Bobo, uncomfortable doing any of it, ends up kneeling before her begging to be killed. I think we've all been there!
The S.O.L. has been ordered to make baked goods for the event. Servo goes over board, making way too many funny sounding, ethnic folded pastries. Crow makes a mile-high meringue pie that is actually a mile high! Believe it...or not.

Segment Two: Mike goes about thinking he's funny again by dressing up as the "Gesture Professor", a strange character from The Mole People who is not only mostly bald but dabbles in weird gesticulations, a deadly combo. The 'Bots have to talk Mike down. It's sad.

Segment Three: Servo tries his hand at a Gordon Lightfootian sea epic, but can't get his guitar in tune. Sounds like a thin premise until you actually see the sketch. It's dynamite!

Segment Four: Crow, in the spirit of archeology (if there is such a thing) digs through the crust of the Satellite and finds evidence of an earlier "him." Crow's weird.

Segment Five: Mike pops the floorboards and finds a couple of "Pale Day Players", as we call them, creatures who live beneath the surface of the Earth.
On Earth, the apes give Lawgiver the gift of a mute hunk named Howard (played with chilling accuracy by Robert Smith, not of The Cure but of the Minnesota Vikings. I've been this close to him and he's quite beautiful. More about that below).

Robert Smith is a gorgeous man, better than myself in nearly every way, I think. Chiseled from Florentine marble, smart as whip, rich as Croesus, strong as bear, the ladies love him. Me? Chiseled from sourdough batter, smart as a rod puppet, strong as a gopher, rich as a novelty salesman, the ladies whisper amongst themselves "who is that icky guy?" Still, I have...oh, who am I kidding? There's nothing to mitigate it.
Actually, it was great fun to work with Robert, our only celebrity guest, to date. Now we just have to get Jack Perkins on the show.
- Michael J. Nelson (no relation to Lloyd Bridges)

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First ten minutes of The Mole People, with Mystery Science Theater 3000 host segments. If for some reason a fine film of this quality isn't available on videotape, you can still get Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie while supplies last...

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