"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 11/30/90
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
The special effects consist of about ten seconds of a drug dealer's face turning into Silly Putty and getting fried off in the sun. My kind of promotion!
Twelve dead bodies.
Double vampire sex in a bathtub. (Don't ask--you don't wanna do it.)
Gratuitous "Hot Bod" bikini contest.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Melissa Moore, for ripping off her blouse at every opportunity, and for saying "Quite a night owl, aren't we?";
Ed Cannon, in the title role, for blubbering "You don't know what it's like!";
and for Mal Arnold, the star of the classic Blood Feast, the first gore film in history when it was made in 1963. Mal played Fuad Ramses, maniac Egyptian caterer, in the 1963 film, and he makes his comeback in this movie, as a police lieutenant who gets tied up and tortured with a chainsaw. I know these things.
Two stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
Not to be confused with RoboCop, that's on a different page altogether.
To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and his world-famous "We Are The Weird" newsletter, write P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221, or leave your name and address on his comedy line, 1-900-4-JOEBOB ($1.50 first minute, 75 cents each additional). Joe Bob's Fax: 214-368-2310.
Dear Joe Bob:
I am a graduate student in physics. Your article on the Supercollider was great. Did you ever write anything about the telescope project being held up by environmentalists (on the side of the red squirrels)? Or about the Hubble Space Telescope?
"On rocketship earth
"We navigate space-time
"But we cannot see."
Yes, I wrote an extensive piece for Scientific American on how the red squirrels should be protected from the telescope, especially if it was gonna be trained on the squirrels during mating season. It may seem like a small thing to you or me, but a telescope that powerful, used to humiliate a tiny creature, could stop the reproductive process altogether. Don't you agree?
Dear Joe Bob,
They are running a commercial here for Huggies baby diapers where they put a blue balloon with water in it and a slow leak in the diaper. Then they put the whole thing on a silk pillow. They come back in an hour and open the diaper. If you've ever been near one of those rug rats, you know it ain't no slow leak, and it ain't water that comes out.
Let them open one of those things and have some reality.
Love and kisses,
Sherry Ann Krystyniak
Dear Sherry Ann:
I would be in favor of showing actual used Huggies on TV, especially on so-called "family" sitcoms.
The little tow-headed two-year-old doesn't look quite so CUTE now, does he?
Dear Joe Bob,
Since you are the only person in the western world that has seen more movies than myself, maybe you can settle for once and for all the question that will effect (or is that affect?) civilization as we know it. Is Bettie Page in Roberta and Michael Findlay's "The Body of a Female"? Does this movie even exist? Did the Findley's make it? Also who is really Jean Arliss in "Homicidal"? Enough of these questions or pretty soon I won't believe you're really Joe Bob Briggs (shudder).
Betty Page, the first great female exploitation star, was retiring to her farm in Tennessee about the time "The Body of a Female" came out (early sixties), and, as far as I know, Betty only appeared in stag flicks, never in a full-length movie.
Yes, "The Body of a Female" was made by the husband-wife exploitation team of Michael and Roberta Findlay, but they changed Roberta's name in the credits. The bosomy dark-haired one called "Anna Riva" is Roberta.
Jean Arless, the transvestite star of "Homicidal," never made another movie after that stunning performance as a wife AND the husband.
Yo Joe Bob,
I am deeply concerned about a topic that I think is very important to you also. I have a friend who is very old and very wise. I believe she speaks to the unseen, the spirits of the dead and the messengers of good and evil. She says there is a time coming soon when the earth will take revenge on its enemies. All creatures known and unknown, demons and changelings will carry out this philosophy. So my word of advice to you is Don't Fill any Wet-lands or we are all f-----. Mark my words. Joe Bob Briggs, mark my words. We are not the f----- (yet) Ahooooooooooooooooooooooooo
WE ARE THE WEIRD
Ha Ha Ho Ho Hee Hee
Thank you for your time,
I wouldn't dream of filling your friend's wetlands.
Dear Joe Bob,
I want to thank you for your recent article about stray animals and animal shelters. It was well written, and very sad in it's truthfulness. Especially about dogs looking for faces they know. This is an issue that is screaming for action, and obviously people in the media can have a big influence. Treating animals like they were a head of cabbage is not right. In a world where most people have the "ignore it, just be happy" attitude (which is a depressingly brainless attitude), articles like yours are an inspiration.
If there was such a thing as "stray dolphins," maybe we'd get more done.
There was also "Psycho Cop," not to be confused with Psycho Scarecrow or Maniac Cop (both are Joe Bob reviews) or RoboCop, and the two recent unrelated "American Psycho" movies. And of course Joe Bob has a review of "Psycho 3" on the Psycho movies page itself.