Monstervision Host Segments for
2020 Texas Gladiators
Now. As you may know, The Road Warrior
started a whole new cycle of post-holocaust movies, basically barbarians
with motor vehicles and automatic weapons. And a sub-set of that cycle was
post-holocaust movies made in Italy, kind of the spaghetti westerns of the
eighties. The movie we're about to watch is actually called [gesturing]
"Anno Venti-Venti: I Gladiatori del Futuro"--you have to do this when you
speak Eyetalian--and somehow it gets translated to "2020 Texas
I'm not sure how they decided it takes place in Texas,
cause it features some kinda 500-year-old Eyetalian farmhouse pretty
prominently. That's where these ventriloquist tough guys have their oil
refinery, till a bunch of bikers and a UPS truck filled with the Darth
Vader drill team come and take it over, and everybody rides around and
shoots each other till the producers run outta money. Anyone who can
figure out who the good guys are before the last reel gets a, uh ... a
free post-apocalypse double-feature next week. Okay, let's do the drive-in
totals. We have:
85 dead bodies.
Two breasts -- and it's my
theory that you DO see em.
One bar fight.
Tomahawk to the head.
Dagger to the chest.
Multiple gun battles.
Kung Fu. Russian
I give it about . . . one and a
Check it out, and I'll be here to translate as best I
[fading] I do speak Eyetalian fluently. "Chianti per tutti!" "Tutti
frutti per Lolita!" "Benvenuto Bardolino!"
"2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS" Commercial Break #1
that suspenseful? Hot steam pours out of the valve.
"She's gonna blow!"
And everybody stands three feet away, saying "Oh no, will he get out alive
when it blows up?"
And then they think everything's okay, but the
vigilantes with the eighties make-up and the black UPS truck are actually
right outside? You'd think George Miller directed this himself, wouldn't
you? I can't believe this went straight to video. In fact, I'm gonna stop
talking so we can keep it goin. Roll it.
[fading] I guess I can't
really say it went "straight to video." It sat around for two or three
years, and THEN it went to video. You don't want to just randomly throw a
flick like this out on the marketplace. There's Oscar nominations to
consider, the timing of the Vanity Fair "making of" piece . . . it's very
complicated. Started out okay, though. Rednecks wasting zombies that are
raping nuns in a monastery.
A TEXAS monastery, of course.
"2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS" Commercial Break #2
Did you notice
the sign on the old building? It said "Texas." So you would KNOW we're in
Texas. That is just hysterical to me. "Let's see, how can we make it plain
to the audience that this is Texas?"
"Uh, write 'Texas' on the building?"
And how bout those vicious dirtbikers!
At least they could be riding
I guess it's hard to find Harleys in Italy. Well, Al
Oliver is dead, the guy who played Nisus--I'm sure that's not his real
name, because this was made by one of the low-budget Eyetalian studios in
the early eighties. They would occasionally import an American actor
--usually it was Broderick Crawford or Robert Mitchum or Fred
Williamson--but mostly they used Europeans, and they never put an Italian
name on the screen, because that would GIVE IT AWAY. Instead, they would
put a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes on the table--so people would know
"American movie." Did you see the guy in this movie? He had a T-shirt that
reads "Jersey Shore Hockey School."
Because, you know, of all the Texans
who attend the Jersey Shore Hockey School. Actually they didn't do that so
much to sell the movie in America; they did it so that ITALIANS would
think the movie was American. Better box office. Italians stopped
supporting their own cinema a long time ago. They wouldn't even support
Fellini the last twenty years of his life. The one exception is Sabrina
Siani, who plays Maida in this movie-- Sabrina was so hot, and so well
known in Italy, that you couldn't disguise her. What was that movie where
she plays the evil snake woman, and these snakes crawl all over her nekkid
body? Yowza! Anyhoo, Al Oliver, or whoever that Italian actor was, is
dayud. Nisus. And it's too bad that Nisus realized AFTER she got raped by
the Hell's Angel how easy it was to get out of those ropes. Okay, tell me
if I'm seein what I think I'm seein in this next scene.
[fading] We got a new character in the last part: Donal O'Brien
as Dr. Evil. Rounding out the international cast of Texans.
"2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS" Commercial Break #3
Kung Fu in the
Wild West. Yee-haw. And I do believe I saw FOUR-- count em, four
--Eyetalian mushmelons there on the saloon girls. Who says the TNT high
sheriffs don't deliver, especially at 2 in the morning. Your European
bimbos are much wilder than your American bimbos.
You ever been to
the beach in Europe? They're all runnin around with their tops off, actin
like it's perfectly normal, like they see each other nekkid every day.
Can you imagine runnin into a gal from the office at an Eyetalian
beach and havin to talk about stock options while her growth funds are
right there starin up at you? I'd have to pierce my Merrill Lynch Fenner
and Smith. Okay, back to the flick.
[fading] What are we watching
I got a little sidetracked on the topless beach. Dr. Evil is paying the guy who
looks like Lorenzo Lamas to stop three men. I have no idea what three men
he's talking about. Three RANGERS. Shades of Chuck Norris.
"2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS" Commercial Break #4
One thing you do
have in the Eyetalian post-holocaust flicks is great fight scenes. They
don't flinch at anything.
If somebody gets his throat slit, he
GETS HIS THROAT SLIT. Anyway, the director on this baby is listed as Kevin
Mancuso, but here at "MonsterVision" we know that's one of the many
pseudonyms for the great Aristide Massaccesi [Masachayzi], who's probably
made, what?, 200 films. Action films, horror films, adventure films, films
in every language in the world. Including the great Grim Reaper, or
"Anthropophagous," about the creepy guy who lives on the Greek island and
Many of you know that The Grim Reaper was the
first movie that I ever reviewed. And then the screenwriter on this baby
is Alex Carver, which is also a fake name--it's really Luigi Montefiori.
Luigi wrote one of the all-time great spaghetti westerns, "The
Violent Breed," using the name George Eastman. Some people say that Luigi
and Aristide co-directed this movie. Are you confused yet? Aristide
Massaccesi has a whole PHONE BOOK full of pseudonyms, including John
Shadow, which I have a feeling is for his more erotic flicks, Robert Vip
and Chana Lee Sun. I guess he uses that one when he wants people to think
the movie was filmed in the Orient, although if this is what it looks like
when Eyetalians try to carry off being American, I'd like to see em try to
be Oriental. Okay, that's your lesson on the International Cinema.
[fading] I think my favorite of the Eyetalian
"Violent Adventures," as they call em, is "Il Cacciatore di Squali," or
"Eating Chicken in a Storm." Great flick.
"2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS" Commercial Break #5
The evil Nazi
bald-guy laugh-- that may be the WORST stage laugh in the history of the
movies. Oooo. But they just kinda pass Sabrina Siani around like a piece
of meat, don't they? My kinda MACHO guys!
"Oh, he's dead now, that means .
. . you're MINE!"
But did I hear that dialogue right? The guy who owns her
now--after he says "Now you're mine!", he vows to kill the evil man who
VIOLATED her. To "make him pay"!
And she says "But there are DOZENS." Is
that what she said? Those wacky Italians.
"Oh, honey, don't bother
avenging my honor, too many guys to kill." And, like all Italian movies,
this flick IS dubbed. They don't even record sound when they make an
Italian movie. Even the ITALIAN actors are dubbed INTO ITALIAN.
Everybody's dubbed. They can make these actors speak any language in the
world. They're the masters of the dubbed soundtrack. Okay, guns and
motorcycles-- well, flimsy dirtbikes. Let's go. We're about to go to East Texas
now, so . . . roll it.
[fading] Well, we're either going to East
Texas, or a wildlife reserve outside Rome. Or the jungles of Botswana.
Wherever you want it to be. We'll just dub in the Botswanese
"2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS" Commercial Break #6
supposed to be Indians? With the plastic teepees and the bad wigs? Oh, I
know--those are the famous East Texas Eyetalian Injuns. Must be from that
Alabama-Coushatta reservation down near Huntsville. The ones that will
only agree to fight if you use REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY on em.
"These are harsh words, white man. The tips of our
arrows are cold."
"No man will die for a stranger."
"OKAY, we'll fight." All right, as you know if you've been keeping
track of the drive-in totals, the body count is about to go WAY up, so
roll it. Thrilling conclusion to "2020 Texas Gladiators."
This IS a post-holocaust movie, isn't it? We ordered a post-holocaust
movie. Has anyone mentioned World War III in this thing?
Am I the
only one paying attention here? [no answer]
I'll take that as a
"2020 TEXAS GLADIATORS" Outro
How do you get around those
bullet-proof high-tech force fields carried by armored warriors?
Bow and arrow! All it took was a few of those WILY Texas Indians
on horseback. And now Halakron can ride off to rescue other blonde babes
in doeskin hotpants. I don't remember Sabrina Siani being BLONDE in her
other movies. The great "2020 Texas Gladiators."
Before we get
outta here, I wanna remind you that next week, for those of you who just
can't get enough post-apocalyptic cinema, we have two classics from the
70s, The Ultimate Warrior, where Yul Brynner helps prevent Max Von
Sydow's tomatoes from being stolen (and no, that's not a euphemism), and Damnation Alley, where
Jan-Michael Vincent rides around with George Peppard and a decorative babe
in a Tonka Truck tank.
That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding
you that if an infinite number of rednecks riding an infinite number of
pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite
number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
great literary works in Braille.
You guys hear the one about the
bartender who's washing glasses when an old Irish guy comes limping into
the bar? The Irishman hoists his bad leg over the bartstool, pulls himself
up, and in a lot of pain, asks for a sip of Irish whiskey.
looks down the bar and says, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender
nods, so the Irishman tells him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The
next guy to come into the bar is an old Eyetalian guy with a hunched back,
who shuffles up to the barstool and asks for a glass of Chianti. He also
looks down the bar and asks if that's Jesus sittin at the end of the bar.
The bartender nods, and the Eyetalian says to give him a glass of Chianti,
too. The third guy to arrive is a redneck, who swaggers in and hollers,
"Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The
barkeep nods, so the redneck tells him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As
Jesus gets up to leave, he walks over to the Irishman and touches him and
says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman feels the strength
come back to his leg, and he gets up and dances a jig out the door. Jesus
touches the Eyetalian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The
Eyetalian feels his back straighten, and he raises his hands above his
head and does a flip out the door. Jesus walks toward the redneck, and the
redneck jumps back and yells, "Don't touch me! I'm on
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.
On to next week's host segments for "The Ultimate Warrior" and Damnation Alley.
Or host segments for tonight's first movie, The Road Warrior
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Host segment transcript of 4-17-99 broadcast
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