Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At
Truth Or Dare (1991)
It's a good thing there's no camera under the table
"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 5/31/91
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
I guess you know what movie I just saw, huh?
You know what? I was NOT offended or grossed out by anything they wrote in the papers about this flick.
The mineral-water scene?
Gimme a break. Haven't any of these people seen "Debbie Does Dallas"? Where were Siskel and Ebert when "Deep Throat" came out, watching "Mr. Ed" reruns?
But there WERE a few things that bothered me about "Truth or Dare." Like:
Did you notice how Madonna never, ever gets dressed? She just puts on her bathrobe, like Blondie and Dagwood.
Did you notice how she only eats out of Tupperware? I guess she just loves leftovers.
Don't you think it's kind of scary if you work for Madonna and she's always saying "I feel like a mother to these people," and "I think I've consciously chosen people who are emotionally cripped in some way"? So the guy is thinking: 1) she wants to be my mother, 2) she hired me because I'm handicapped. Sooner or later there's gonna be some weird sex fantasy here, and it requires a LOT of props.
Didn't you think Madonna's father was a regular guy, so they wanted to get rid of him and not interview him for the film, because he was disrupting the weirdbeard mood?
When Madonna prays, doesn't it seem like you're listening to a Unitarian preacher who's forgotten what he's praying about? So he's SAYING the right things, but he's smacking gum at the same time and thinking about what he's gonna pick up at Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Why did her male dancers wear giant coneheads on their breasts? I mean, I'm sure there was a reason. I'd just like to know what it was.
Wasn't her "artistic freedom" speech to the Toronto cops a little hysterical? Didn't those cops seem like they were really bummed out about having to do that job? Why didn't they interview the cops about how they felt about having to enforce stupid laws? It wasn't like they showed up to send Solzhenitsyn to prison camp or something.
You ever notice how sometimes, when her hair is dyed gold, Madonna looks like she's eighty years old?
Did you notice how Madonna's dad looks like Al Bundy?
I thought the most interesting character in the movie was the former topless dancer/drughead/alcoholic with many children who was friends with Madonna before she was famous and then she shows up backstage to ask Madonna to be the godmother of her baby--and Madonna basically blows her off. Was this supposed to show you how cold-hearted Madonna is? And, if so, what conclusions does she want us to draw from this?
That she's making a new artistic statement about coldness?
Warren Beatty had the best line in the movie--"She doesn't wanna LIVE off-camera, much less talk off-camera"--but she acted like she didn't know what he was talking about. Is she stupid, or is she simply slow?
Remember when everybody gets in bed with Madonna and they talk straight to the camera? Best horror scene of 1991.
One dead body (Madonna's mom).
Gratuitous Sandra Bernhard, resulting in a 99 on the Vomit Meter.
Take your barf bag, but check it out.
For Madonna's next film, "Fantastic Voyage 1992," a film crew will be shrunken to microscopic size and injected into her sex organs.
"I like to test the limits," she said. "Sure, there are some people who will be grossed out by it, but that's what my career is all about. It's a journey into gross places you don't really wanna see but I make you look anyway."
Young hot-shot video filmmaker Alex Keshishian has volunteered to be shrunken and inserted arthroscopically into Madonna.
"Everyone's talking like it's some BIG DEAL," said Keshishian. "My main concern is lighting. We're gonna have to carry arc lights on our backs, and, needless to say, it's dangerous to be carrying that much juice in . . . in that much juice."
Keshishian did insist that Madonna stay away from Warren Beatty during the four weeks he's actually living inside her sex organs. "I mean, you could be in the wrong place at the wrong time and . . ." Keshishian shuddered, passed out, and collapsed.
Originally, Madonna also wanted film crews shrunken and injected into all the bodies of her back-up dancers, but the film's backers ruled it out as prohibitively expensive. She was reportedly furious.
"They're not admitting it," she said, "but it's a form of gay-bashing. They think you can get AIDS by direct contact of the innermost part of a male sex organ with your whole shrunken body. If they're so worried about it, they can just HOLD THEIR BREATH. It's been proven over and over again that AIDS is spread only through actual sex. Of course, two of the dancers think this would BE actual sex, but we ruled them out from day one."
Once inside Madonna's body, the filmmakers will be using a specially designed submarine to speed up the process, especially during the "Like a Virgin" part of Madonna's actual concerts.
"That's where we're gonna need maximum maneuverability," said Keshishian. "On the 'Virgin' number, if we're not alert at all times, then we could easily get spit out onto the stage. That's if we don't get crushed by her hand first. Our camera people are the best in the business. They're agile. They're physically fit. But there's not much you can do if Madonna gets carried away and . . . well, let's not dwell on that."
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Perestroika in Ohio! After one year in the dark, the Starlite Drive-In on State Route 125, between Bethel and Amelia, O., is back in business, thanks to new owner Debi Brooks, who has repaired the screen, installed radio sound, and vows to sell out all 400 spaces on at least one night before the season is over. Harvey Fuller of Amelia, Mike Barzacchini of Clayton, and Mark Potts of Feesburg all remind us that, with eternal vigilance, it won't happen here.
To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and his world-famous "We Are the Weird" newsletter, write P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221, or Fax him at 214-368-2310.
Dear Joe Bob:
The Entertainment section of the local paper made a reference to the fact that some studio execs are toying, no pun intended, with the idea of a live action version of Barbie and Ken, the Mattel toys.
Vanna White would make a great Barbie. Just look at her performance in the infamous TV movie "The Goddess of Love."
And as far as Ken, how about Rob (star of that you-know-what and that notorious Academy Award musical number) or Dolph Lundgren.
You don't understand.
Barbie is eighteen.
Vanna has been eighteen for twenty years.
There's a difference.
Dear Joe Bob:
Do you know why UFO's never land in New York?
They're looking for signs of intelligent life!
Do you know why skinhead nine-legged space aliens always land on 42nd Street?
It's the only place in America they can make 200 bucks an hour.
Dear Joe Bob:
This is one of those experimental Pirandellian letters-within-a-letter, wherein I boldly thrust beyond the boundaries of conventional epistolary eloquence. So shaddup and don't interrupt me.
AN OPEN LETTER TO CHARLTON HESTON. Dear Scumbag: You smug repulsive piece of human garbage. God, I hate you. You excrete smugness and self-satisfaction from every pore in your rancid body. Everything about you--every ham-fisted performance, every purse-lipped grin, every self-congratulatory jingoist endorsement--makes me wanna feed you to a horde of geriatric biker chicks. "All actors get preoccupied with billing order, but I've learned it doesn't matter a damn as long as the name's in the same size type." (Hest the Pest's 11th commandment from The Dullard's Life: Journals, 1456-1976. Wussies keep diaries; big burly chuckle-heads keep journals.) And don't think I forgot about your nauseatingly cute letter to William F. Bungley (in Crypto-Fascist Review) where you confessed to a shared idolatry of peanut butter. You skippy-addicted sac of pus. You're beginning to give social Darwinism a bad name, Chuckles, and I wanna rip your lungs out. Remember one of your stinkers called "Beneath the Planet of the Apes," when you stumbled on a race of mutated A-bomb worshippers? And how you nuked them to save us all from any more crappy sequels? Funny how life imitates bad art--isn't it, Chuckles? Have a nice death, ----head.
Justin "Slag" Reed
Society for the Promotion of Cruelty to Charlton Heston
When you decide what you REALLY think of Charlton Heston, please write again. Nobody likes a pussy-footer.
Hey there Joe Bob boy,
I need your dee-vine guidance and advice. As the premier expert on various forms of Fu, I am puzzled about the use of the word Fu in the names of restaurants in the Bay Area. A new one called Wan Fu has just opened. What type of Fu is Wan? Enclosed is a menu from a Fu eatery called "Tien." Note the dish called "Ants Climbing Up The Tree." I don't know 'bout you, but I don't want ants climbing up my tree when I eat, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Please explain, is it safe to eat in these places?
"Wan Fu" is a type of martial arts in which you attempt to pummel the opponent about the head and shoulders with a thick grainy noodle.
I'm surprised I have to explain that to you.
Dear Joe Bob:
The reason for the Buffalo Drive-In's superiority over the Transit's is two-fold:
1. Being surrounded by cemeteries, horrific viewing pleasure is intensified.
2. Being surrounded by cemeteries, you still have a good place for nuggy-parking when the movie's over.
Dear Big Ray:
That sounds like something Bill Murray does in a Volkswagen.
© 1991 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved
For more of Joe Bob's pre-TNT reviews in Grapevine, Texas, go to his Drive-In Reviews Archive over yonder at www.Joe Bob Briggs.com
"Truth Or Dare" availability on video and on DVD from Amazon.com
Elvis has left the building, and he took Joe Bob with him. Quitchurbellyachen