Last seen on MonsterVision 10-19-97 and 100% Weird 9-26-98
Remember the Disney sitcom “Dinosaurs” on ABC? The big, dumb 8-foot guy named Earl made his first appearance in this movie, costarring with Whoopie Goldberg. The movie went way over-budget, then the studio saw what it had and pulled the plug, sending it strait to video the following year. Making it what Joe Bob says is “officially the most expensive direct-to-video movie ever made.” Whoopie plays a tough cop – who turns out to be a robot – teamed with the dino to investigate a scientist who’s planning to end civilization as we know it with help from some cartoony mutants with glowing red eyes. Richard Roundtree plays Whoopie’s superior, and Bud Cort of Bates Hotel fame is in it somewhere.
91 minutes, rated PG, written & directed by Jonathan Betuel of “The Last Starfighter” (MonsterVision 9-12-98) and My Science Project (1985), and not much else. Trust me, Whoopie doesn’t have this one on her resume. Joe Bob says they had to threaten her with breach of contract to even get her to show up after she read the script. No wonder she's so cranky on The View Now here’s Joe Bob Briggs:
An eight-foot tall walking talking cookie-eating dinosaur becomes a cop in L.A. But it’s a buddie-picture, and the buddie is Whoopie Goldberg.
It’s Lethal Weapon for children, with a Barney The Dinosaur theme going on. A young black child gets kidnapped. The Police Commissioner is Richard Roundtree.
A $35,000,000 movie that was billed as a children’s picture and in the very first scene a cute dinosaur named Albert looks cross-eyed at the adorable little butterfly that flutters down onto his nose, not knowing that the adorable little butterfly is actually a BOMB that explodes his head! “Mommy, why are pieces of Barney lying on the pavement?” Don’t they think about things like that when they have the script meeting? Oh, I forgot. There is no script.
What were they thinking? I’d really like to know what they were thinking!!!
Whoopie Goldberg on MonsterVision. I need a cigarette. Only kidding. Ted doesn’t like cigarettes. I’m reformed anyway, from cigarettes. I used to smoke cigarettes. I was an addict. I admit that. I was a miserable nicotine-head, two packs of Marlboros a day, but I quit. And I’m proud that I quit. Unfortunately, it was in the 1970s that I quit, so I became a coke-head [crew laughs]. But remember when it was cool to snort powder? It was cool. That was the only reason I did it. But I became a sniveling paranoid cocaine addict and so I got professional help, and I quit. It was hard, I was an addict – but I quit and I’m proud that I quit.
Unfortunately, it was so hard quitting cocaine that I started cigarettes again but, this time I only smoked one pack of Marlboros a day, and I was proud of that. But I could see after a while that I was fooling myself, because then I was a double nicotine-head, and so I quit again. Unfortunately, I started drinkin’ more and more. I mean first, it was just, you know, just two or three Scotches at lunch. And then it was seven or eight Scotches at dinner. And finally it was 17 scotches, 7 tequila shooters, and vodka martinis and a coco loco for breakfast.
But, for a long time I told myself that I could control that. But the day came when I had to face the fact that I was an addict. I was a miserable, smelly drunk, and so I had to quit. And then, after 6 months of quittin’ I got real drunk one night and quit again. And I was real proud of quittin’ the second time but, it was about 3 months later that I realized how fat I was getting.
See, I loved chocolate. And I love food in general, and I’d go to Denny’s in the middle of the afternoon and eat the whole left side of the menu. And then I’d go to Mrs. Field’s Cookies for dessert. One week I gained 30 pounds and people thought I was dyin’ of cancer; they thought it was medication that was bloatin’ my body. I took down all the mirrors in the house cause I didn’t want to see the truth – that I’d become a 470 pound circus freak. I tried that Ultra-Slimfast for a while, but I was able to drink 950 milkshakes a day, so that didn’t work.
And then finally, I went to one of those obesity camps, where they chain you to a bed and wire your jaws shut, and beat the crap out of you every time ya mention food. And so after 3 months of obesity therapy, I was cured. I was a foodaholic, and I’m proud I was able to beat that. And learning that I didn’t have to be fat anymore made me realize what I’d been missing from life, and so for the first time, I stopped to smell the roses.
I’d walk in the park every day smelling the roses. And then I started walking in the park at night, too, cause the roses smell different at night. And then I decided to start living in the park cause I couldn’t get enough of those roses. I had to smell roses at all hours of the day or night, and then one night I got mugged in the park and left for dead. And a few hours later at the hospital, I realized I had a rose addiction.
So I went to this special three-times-a-week therapy group for botanical addictions, and that helped a lot. And especially, there was this girl named Teresa, who first pointed out to me that I was addicted to addiction. And I love Teresa for that. She suggested that I see a therapist about cutting down on my therapy sessions, so I received counseling for therapy addiction, and every time I went to a therapy addiction counseling session, I was able to eliminate a botanical addiction counseling session.
And so I’m almost finished with the therapy addiction counseling, and I’m down to 3 botanical addiction sessions a week now. And now that I have more free time, I spend all that time with Teresa, and three weeks ago I saw her 6 times in one week, and the week after that, we went to this resort in Colorado for the weekend. Last week, I saw her 94 times, and in fact, just thinking of her name, I gotta go. Sorry, I gotta go see Teresa right now. “Big Trouble In Little China” first, roll it
[fading] How’d I get off on that? I’m not really an addict, you know? Sometimes a little heroin, but only when I’m depressed.