Monstervision Host Segments for

The Silencers (1996)

"The Silencers" Intro [host segments continued from Xtro 2]

"Okay, "The Silencers." This movie was made in 1996, and I think it's gone pretty much straight to TNT. It's the story of a group of aliens walkin around scarin people with their black eyeballs--or no eyeballs, it's kinda hard to tell--and makin threats and killing government officials till Dennis Christopher shows up in a giant oyster to shoot em up and teach little boys how to play nicely. These guys with no eyes are the Men in Black, and they've come to Earth to over-farm its resources, or a put a super-highway through or something. See, in this movie, the Men in Black are the actual aliens. I'm not telling you anything you won't know in the first five minutes, but let's do the drive in totals and get it started. We have:

47 dead bodies, and I'm not talkin about people just fallin down--I'm talkin actual by-God green-blooded death on the screen.
No breasts.
Five shoot-outs.
Six motor-vehicle collisions, one multiple.
Three exploding motor-vehicles.
Exploding helicopter.
Exploding tabloid.
Subway collision.
Cow-levitation.
Hot dog vendor shooting.
Scary eyeballs.
Two gallons green blood.
Gratuitous ex-wife.
Kung fu.
Pole fu.
Primal scream fu.

Three stars. Check it out, and we'll be here, sucking down our own local specialty. Roll it.

[fading] I'm talking, of course, about the clear Texas air. [breathing in] Isn't it lovely? [breathing again, sniffing, checking bottom of boot] Oh man! What is that? Ernie? Jay, you wanna go to Juarez?"


"The Silencers" Commercial Break #1

"With that much action in the first 15 minutes, it can only be one thing--a PM Entertainment movie. Joseph Merhi and Richard Pepin, the masters when it comes to doing action stunts on a super low-budget. They make movies so cheap that the people who work for em call it BM Entertainment instead of PM Entertainment, but they do deliver the crashes and explosions. A runaway train scene--most low-budget people in El Lay would rule that out from day ONE. Not these guys. Okay, we got UFO cover-ups, dead Senators, long-mother shoot-outs, a guy with either a loud yell, or some really bad breath . . . what else we got? Cause we don't got a story yet, so I'm lookin for SOMETHING. Oh--scary eyes. You know--"You're not allowed in here, sir." [does scary eyes into camera] "Oh, well, go ahead."

Did you guys know the Men in Black are one of these UFO legends that have been around for a while, like before these movies were made? There's all these crazy UFOlogists--that's what they call themselves, UFOlogists--who've been going around for years saying these guys come over to your house after you've been abducted and tell you not to tell anyone about it or they'll kill your dog and do bad things to your grandma. They did a show about it on the "X-Files," too, where Alex Trebek was the leader of the Men in Black, and Charles Nelson Reilly was the guy they visited. That's some killer casting, I must say. "I'll take Space Travel for 400, Alex."
"Don't tell anyone what you saw!"
"Uh, what is a flying saucer?"
"I'm warning you!" [scary eyes] Okay, roll it.

[fading] You know, I got a cousin-in-law twice-removed up in Minnesota who swears this stuff is true. Says the MIB travel in twos or threes, but sometimes solo. Witnesses say they have deeply-tanned skin, but sometimes they're really pale. Some have slanty eyes, but some have bulging eyes. Some are tall and thin with long fingers, but some are short and fat. And they may or may not have fingernails. So basically, anybody in a dark suit. Ernie, take off your glasses. Lemme see your eyes... "Yes, I will obey."


"The Silencers" Commercial Break #2

"Well, that was stunningly incomprehensible. What's with the dialogue tonight? "Preset electromagnetic transducers." I got your electromagnetic transducers right HERE, bud. And what was that language that was ALMOST Russian? Armenian? I think it was Armenian. Cause they ARE Marcabian, and that's an Armenian name if I ever heard one. By the way, did you notice the tie-in between tonight's movies? "Initiate final Nexus sequence." NEXUS. Nexus was in Xtro II, remember? Hmmmmmm. Very interesting. The NEXUS CONNECTION. The conspiracy to mention a meaningless sci-fi word in EVERY sci-fi movie shown on "MonsterVision." Hmmmmm. Crew members dressed in black. Hmmmmm. Okay, let's get back to the flick.

[fading] Ernie, missed you at the MEETING last week. [wink, wink] You know what I'm talkin about. "The goat lies sleeping in the pasture." [wink, wink] Aha! So NOW you understand. Why are you looking at me like that? "I will obey."


"The Silencers" Commercial Break #3

"It's Linc from "Mod Squad"! Linc as the General! What an actor. Clarence Williams III. You know what he did after The Mod Squad? Well, he did "Return of Mod Squad," but after THAT he did . . . "Purple Rain," in 84. The Prince movie. Came out of retirement for that. But he's been back ever since. "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka," "Tales From the Hood," some John Frankenheimer movies. He's in the new "Mod Squad" coming out this year. Linc Hayes.

Then there's Jack Scalia, who's finally emerged as our hero. It's good to wait half an hour to let the audience know who the main character is, though. Anyhow, you may remember him as . . . Joey Buttafuoco. He was in the one of those Amy Fisher movies, the one with Alyssa Milano. Quick, who were the three Amy Fishers? Alyssa Milano, Drew Barrymore, AND . . . Noelle Parker from "Ernest Saves Christmas." Everybody knows that. Okay, back to the flick.

[fading] Maybe I could be in the one where Joey Buttafuoco has a threesome. With Alyssa Milano AND Drew Barrymore. The Spice Channel version. Right? That's the channel where they show all the girls' parts and none of the boys' parts, if you know what I mean. Drew wouldn't do that, though. Alyssa would, but Drew wouldn't. She used to. Then she got famous. Now she won't. Thank God for video."


"The Silencers" Commercial Break #4

"That was basically ELEVEN SOLID MINUTES of the most hellacious chase sequence ever filmed with an 18-wheeler, in my opinion. Those things are amazingly difficult to do, especially with big equipment like that. And to make it even better, instead of shooting the guy on the big rig, let's CLIMB ABOARD the big rig and BEAT HIM UP. What was that about? You're gonna tell me the guy was out of ammo or something, on a secret mission with a license to kill? I'm not buying it. But we did get to see the Man in Black get run over. And that was Lance LeGault as Jack Kirby. He was a regular on "The A-Team" for a few seasons, and he was on "Dallas" for a while. I'm startin to realize that every actor with a modicum of a southern accent was on "Dallas" for a while. Jack Scalia, who plays Rafferty, was on "Dallas" for a while. Dennis Christopher was NOT on "Dallas." If he was, he woulda played some guy who got the crap beat out of him. Dennis Christopher was in "Breaking Away" and "Chariots of Fire." And then about a million sci-fi B-movies like "Alien Predator" and "Circuitry Man" and "Necronomicon," and then he had a regular part on the TV show "Profiler." Okay, take me to the Phoenix Corporation so I can speak more Armenian.

[fading] Mail Girl's coming out next. And I want NO LEERING, do you understand me? Ogling is all right. Undressing her with your eyes. But no actual leering, have a little respect, okay? Okay."


"The Silencers" Commercial Break #5

"UFO nerds to the rescue! Right after the big Exposition Scene, where the nice alien finally tells us what the HECK is going on. And only an HOUR into the movie. Anyhow, it's time for my favorite part of the show, where we read mail from some of the members of our more captive audience, in "Joe Bob's Jail Break." [enters] And to help us out is our fabulous TNT Mail Girl, Rusty. By the way, Rusty, you're doing a really great job as Mail Girl.

MAIL GIRL: [surprised] Oh, thank you.

I just wanted to tell you that, cause I know I don't say it too often.
MAIL GIRL: Well, I'm glad you did. I do get a little insecure sometimes.
You do?
MAIL GIRL: Sure. I start wondering, am I bringing you the mail fast enough . . . Do the letters have enough variety . . . Am I pronouncing people's names right. It's a lot of pressure.
[Joe Bob nods]

MAIL GIRL: So I AM doing a good job.
Yeah.
MAIL GIRL: You sure.
Do you think I need a haircut?
MAIL GIRL: Uh . . . no, I think it looks okay.
What about the shirt? This shirt's a little tired, isn't it?
MAIL GIRL: It's not bad--
Have you been watching tonight's show backstage?
MAIL GIRL: Ohhhh. You know what, Joe Bob, you're doing a GREAT show tonight. And you look very handsome.
[BIG sigh, relief] OH, thank you. Cause I, BOY, I'm so relieved . . .

MAIL GIRL: Here's a letter from Sam Rutherford at the Washington State Penitentiary in Walla Walla.

I can't even tell you . . .

"Dear Joe Bob,
"My name is Sam Rutherford and I'm currently serving a sentence at the Washington State Penitentiary in Walla Wall, Washington. My cellies and I are avid watchers of your show. We enjoy your commentary and usually find you humorous in a retarded sort of way."

In a RETARDED sort of way? What does he mean by that?

"So enough about you. The real reason I'm writing is to ask if it's possible for Rusty the Mail Girl to get more air time. We all enjoy her very much and would like to see a LOT more of her. Also, we are wondering if she could send us an 8x10 color photo of herself. It would be the centerpiece of our cellie decoration and would bring a lot of happiness to a coupla lonely guys."

He said I was retarded.
MAIL GIRL: He said they enjoy your commentary and find you humorous. [pointing to letter]
He says "we USUALLY find you humorous in a RETARDED sort of way."
MAIL GIRL: He said they're "avid watchers of your show."
Yeah. Hey, let's turn on Joe Bob, the retard.

"I have one small request before I close. We are wondering if you would play Poltergeist and Nightmare on Elm Street in the near future. Keep up the good work and send Rusty our undying love.

"Your friend,
"Sam Rutherford #747905
"Washington State Penitentiary, Walla Walla Washington."

I don't know if I can do the prison info. What kinda letter is this?
MAIL GIRL: He said "Keep up the good work."
Don't you see I'm very vulnerable tonight? [suddenly] I gotta go call Mom. [exits]

MAIL GIRL: Okay, Sam . . . well, thanks for your letter. Free your mind and your butt will follow. Uh . . . back to the movie. Joe Bob?"


"The Silencers" Commercial Break #6

"The Blues Brothers with automatic weapons, dropping like flies. Does that about sum it up? These PM Entertainment movies always hire about 100 guys whose job is JUST TO DIE. They know how to do that shimmy-and-plunge thing. [demonstrates] To create the illusion of being riddled with machine-gun fire. The problem is, we've seen that so many times that it doesn't really shock us anymore to see a man riddled with machine-gun fire. Anyway, I kinda like Dennis Christopher in this movie. Sometimes he can get really nutty and over-the-top in things, but he's pretty good in this. And Jack Scalia is doin the Alec Baldwin thing, not bad. I guess it's a good reflection on the director, Richard Pepin. I wonder if he's related to Jacques Pepin, the famous chef. Then it'd be REE-SHARD Pe-PAN. Anyhow, Richard Pepin is a huge B-movie producer. He's produced FIFTY-FOUR B-movies since 1986--not ONE of em listed in Leonard Maltin. Oh, wait a sec, one of em was listed cause it has ex-porn queen Traci Lords and Bobby from "Taxi" in it. It's the big all-star Richard Pepin movie. He directed nine of his flicks, including "The Silencers." And I guess I should mention that he created a show called "L.A. Heat." Okay, let's go.

[fading] "L.A. Heat," "Miami Vice," "NYPD Blue." How different are they? "Chicago Hope." That's about cops, right? With Christine Lahti as the cop who cries all the time. I've seen it. My personal favorite series is "Milwaukee Brown." It's a reality show, a "Cops" sorta deal, only it's about garbage collectors in Wisconsin."


"The Silencers" Commercial Break #7

"Was that a chase, crash and fireball? Wasn't THAT a surprise! This is really sort of the same principle as a porno flick. It's really all about the gunbattles. They just keep trying to come up with little creative things to happen in between, like in porno flicks, when the woman gets in a fight with her boyfriend and the studly guy comes over to fix the dishwasher. We don't NEED to see that. It's just filler between the shoot-outs. Okay, it's time for the exciting conclusion to "The Silencers." Go.

[fading] Don't get me wrong, I LOVE porno. America has perfected the art of porno. There hasn't been porno like this in the whole history of the world. Guys back in the Ming Dynasty, ancient Greece and Rome, if they knew this level of porno was gonna be invented, they woulda worked harder on that reincarnation thing. One thing America knows how to do is porno."


"The Silencers" Outro

"Nerds with automatic weapons! That's something you don't see in these movies every day--killer UFOlogists! Boy, I hope Dennis Christopher was back on his planet before they blew up the vortex, cause those other guys were taking FOREVER to get OUTTA that thing. And then they're shot RIGHT when they step out--that's gotta hurt. You're, like, walkin all cool into the new world, feeling like Tom Hanks, kicking back, and them BAM! Welcome to Earth, spaceboy! "The Silencers." Great flick.

Okay, I wanna remind you to invite your date over next week, cause we'll be showing the closest thing we get to a chick flick, Dolores Claiborne, where we try to figure out if Kathy Bates is a murderer, or just a big fat liar. And then we'll watch Joanna Pacula try to lay a big ole sloppy wet one with fangs on Meredith Salenger in The Kiss.

And that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that no matter how hard you try, you can't baptize a cat.

Did you guys hear the one about the gorilla who walks into a bar and orders a cold one? The bartender gives it to him and says, "That'll be 25 dollars." Gorilla pays him, and the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts." Gorilla says, "I'm not surprised at these prices."

Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you the drive-in will never die.

[fading] A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"

A hamburger walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender gives it to him. The neutron says "How much I owe you?" Bartender says "For you, no charge."

Skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop."

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Note: there was also a Matt Helm movie by the same title "The Silencers"
Host segment transcript of April 1999 broadcast
1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved