Monstervision Presents

Red Sonja (1985)

MonsterVision host segments missing, but here's Joe Bob's quick review:


(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)


Brigitte Nielsen of Galaxis is the last surviving member of a tribe of Danish Amazons, surviving to witness the terrifying six-minute-long death of her twin sister, who gets speared because she witnessed the evil queen Gedren throwing 20 virgins into a pit of boiling grease. So Brigitte hooks up with Arnold the Barbarian and puts on about 80 pounds worth of face jewelry, buys a plastic sword, and rides off in search of Gedren's city so they can shishkabob her. Gedren has the greatest power in the world, The Talisman, which is a giant green lava lamp. Fortunately, Brigitte and Arnold have a midget and a fatman to help em Benihana all the Vikings they run into, including a sword-happy hippie that tries to rip the midget apart by tying his hands to a horse, his feet to a tree, and making a wish. Pretty soon, after they wrestle a few plastic alligators and have a cardboard swordfight to see if Arnold has "the stuff" to go for Red Sonja's groceries, it's time to go blow up the City of Eternal Night and make some Gedren Gumbo. You probably think you saw all this already at the end of Conan The Destroyer, sequel to Conan the Barbarian, and you probably did, but here it is again. What happened was, Dino was making this movie, and Arnold was hanging around to watch his girl Brigitte being the female barbarian on location, when Dino decided it would be a better movie with Arnold in it so Conan was simply written into the script on the spot.
I know you REH purists wanted to know why the movie diverged from the Amazonian warrior novel.
Two breasts.
Seven quarts blood.
Seventy dead bodies.
One Viking funeral.
Three beasts.
One giant pet tarantula.
Gratuitous belly dancing.
Kung Fu. Midget Fu.
Head rolls.
Two heads fly.
One head squishes.
The script is full of gems, as when Arnold says "Your thither's dying" and "I know you're brave girl but danger is my trade." A Viking wearing a chest protector says "I will tell the future in your entrails, Red Woman!," and Brigitte's big emotional speech: "You slaughtered my parents! Like cattle! My brother! My sister!"
Produced by Dino de Laurentiis of King Kong Lives fame. 
3 stars

2002 Joe Bob Briggs.com All Rights Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company, by mutual consent. This and many more Drive-In Reviews are available @ JoeBobBriggs.com from the artist formerly known as the host of Monstervision


TBS (Turner's Big Superstation) has Conan the Barbarian occasionally, followed by "Red Sonja"

You know, that story Moby Dick about the great white whale is pretty good. But it would be even better if Dino DeLaurentiis made a version of it set in the old west with cowboys and Indians bein' attacked by a giant White Buffalo, right? Why, Dino, why?

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