I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and it's Nasty Guy Night tonight,
beginning with the big hoohaw medical malpractice flick, "Malice," where
Alec Baldwin takes out Nicole Kidman's ovary and she is NOT HAPPY about
it. And then we'll follow that up with "Sleepstalker," sort of a Freddy
Kreuger-meets-the-Sandman kinda thing.
Speaking of nasty people,
have you noticed all the Boyfriend From Hell stories lately? Boy meets
girl. Boy goes home with girl. Boy and girl have sex. Boy thinks it's
great. Girl goes, "Nah, I don't think so." Boy calls the next day. Girl
says "Nah, I don't think so." Boy starts rebuilding a semi-automatic
Where do these guys come from? Didn't they go to junior high
school, where you get rejected 94 times for every girl that says "Yes"?
Haven't they ever seen a Cary Grant movie? If so, they would know that you
don't get many dates by screaming "I OWN YOU!" at a woman. They would know
that, as soon as she says she doesn't like something, YOU DON'T DO IT.
Ever. If she doesn't like you calling her at work, YOU DON'T CALL HER AT
WORK. And then MAYBE, later, she starts to like you, because you
UNDERSTOOD that she didn't like it.
I mean, we've always had a FEW
loony Boyfriends From Hell, like Eric Roberts in "Star 80." But they were
always certifiable psychos. Now we've got guys that are otherwise normal,
working down at the gas station, entering bass-fishing tournaments,
singing in the Baptist Church choir, and then one day we get a phone call
and find out that Ralph is barricaded inside the high school gym and he
has Cindy tied up with a bomb under her chair, demanding that she spend
the rest of her life with him.
In Texas, there used to be a
guaranteed solution to the Creep Ex-Boyfriend: a NEW boyfriend. That way,
if the old guy refuses to go away, leaves annoying messages on your
answering machine, whatever, then the girl doesn't have to deal with it.
The GUY calls him back, and they settle it with Guy Talk. Guy Talk is
always much more efficient than Girl-Guy Talk, because Guy Talk can only
end in two ways: the guy backs off, or the two guys fight. If the two guys
fight, they usually bond during the fight. And, in fact, sometimes they
realize that the girl is ENJOYING the fact that they're fighting over her,
and so they BOTH dump her.
Anyhow, my question is, have we always
had this many weirdbeard stalkers driving up and down the streets of
America, ready to put a bullet through Tiffany's head to prove how much he
loves her? Or is this a nineties thing?
And speaking of sociology
class, we've got the 1993 malpractice thriller "Malice." Alec Baldwin
makes the old missing-ovary mistake in the operating room, and it's just
the beginning of the plot. This one is pretty dang decent. Bill Pullman is
the associate dean of students at a little college. A killer is roaming
the campus. He's married to Nicole Kidman. Alec is a jock from Bill's old
high school who's become a hot-shot superstar surgeon. And even after you
start to figure out what's going on, you still haven't figured it out. I'm
not gonna tell you a whole lot about it, cause it's one of those twisty
turny things that keeps throwin you off. Anyhow, here's the drive-in
Two dead bodies. Two breasts (surgically removed by
TNT). Multiple aardvarking. Point-blank in the stomach.
Oxygen-tank Fu. Gratuitous Anne Bancroft, which has been kind of a
running theme on the show. And, of course, there's the great Alec
Baldwin "I AM God" speech. Three and a half stars. Check it out,
and I'll be here with you through the evening.
[fading] I think I
might know part of this Boyfriend From Hell problem: these guys don't have
enough MALE friends. Because the only way you could go THAT crazy over a
woman is that you've bought into some kind of ideal Fantasy Woman thing
where you think that, if only you can buy a trailer house in Houston with
this woman, she'll satisfy every need you ever have. You don't realize
that, six months later, you'll be sitting in that trailer house staring at
your payment book from the bank, watching her paint her toenails,
thinking, "At least she could WASH THE BOTTOMS OF HER FEET before she does
that." Is anybody following me here?
"MALICE" Commercial Break #1
Do you know that all
psychological thrillers are basically three characters? That's it.
Everybody else is wallpaper in these movies. And one of the three is
always a cheating-murdering-liar. Of course, on Lifetime Network that has
to be a handsome guy. You know he's the jerk because . . . well, because
he's handsome. Anybody that handsome, he probly wears a raincoat to the
park on his days off. If you're watching Cinemax, the cheating murdering
liar has to be a beautiful blonde who sleeps with every male in the cast
and some of the females before being revealed as the heartless murdering
golddigger she really is. And, of course, if you're watching my old
network The Movie Channel, the cheating murdering liar has to be . . .
Shannon Tweed. Anyway, my point is that it's much better to watch these
movies on TNT, because the cheating murdering liar can be ANYBODY IN THE
CAST. And we know that it's probably NOT who we expect because the guys
who wrote "Malice" are Aaron Sorkin, who wrote "A Few Good Men"--You
can't handle the truth! sorry--and his partner Scott Frank, who wrote
"Dead Again." Thriller specialists. [off-stage voice] What? OOoooooooo. Good point. We
notice here in the credits that Aaron Sorkin and Scott Frank are linked,
not by an ampersand, but by the word "and." Do you know what that means in
screenwriting terms? If you have names that are joined by an ampersand, it
means they're a writing team. They wrote it together. They drank a lot of
java in their crummy West Hollywood writing apartment. But if it says the
word "and," like "Aaron Sorkin AND Scott Frank," then it means Aaron
Sorkin wrote a complete script, which somebody did NOT think was perfect,
and so they hired Scott Frank to do it over. So those guys did NOT share
any West Hollywood java. In fact, they might conceivably hate each other's
guts. "He ruined a perfectly good script." "That line was mine, but he
tried to take credit for it." That sort of thing. Anyhoo, let's keep it
going. Back to "Malice."
[fading] But my point was that, on TNT,
you don't know whether the lying cheating murdering jerk is male or
female, blonde or dark-haired, a big star or a bit player, and you know
why? Because we'll show ANYTHING on TNT. Remember the Neal Sedaka special?
I thought it was a psychological thriller. "That guy's gonna kill him. No
THAT guy's gonna kill him."
"MALICE" Commercial Break #2
Gwyneth Paltrow--now you see
her, talking about how the dog ate her homework, and now she's a corpse.
We missed the whole scene of Alec Baldwin upstairs making the sign of the
quadruple-breasted smiling hematoma with a very wild lady who runs nekkid
across the landing and infuriates Nicole Kidman. Because, as you know,
here on TNT we DESPISE gratuitous nudity. Why is Alec Baldwin whispering?
Is that to make him scary or something? Okay, back to the
[fading] This is where we're establishing character. Like we
pretty much established Bill Pullman's character when Gwyneth Paltrow is
sitting there in the chair saying "My alarm didn't go off" and trying to
flirt her way out of trouble, and Bill is, like, "I'm sorry, young lady,
but you broke the rules." Whereas, if it was Alec Baldwin, he would have
said, "I'll let it go if you let me buy you a frozen umbrella drink."
Establishing Character. Today's lesson. If you take the seminar, it costs
600 bucks. Or you can just pick it up here free from me.
"MALICE" Commercial Break #3
Okay, Nicole's gonna sue Alec's
butt, and the plot twists are about to begin, but before they get too
involved, let's read a little fan mail and dispense some of "Joe Bob's
Advice to the Hopeless." [Rusty enters] And here to help us out is a gal who's
got some healthy ovaries herself, Rusty, the TNT Mail Girl.
GIRL: That was a charming introduction.
You should take it as a
MAIL GIRL: Right.
So what've you been up to so
far this weekend?
MAIL GIRL: Oh, well, I washed my car, I took my
dog to the park, ran a couple errands . . . [sees Joe Bob looking at her
How exactly do you get into that outfit?
GIRL: Did you hear anything I just said?
I heard every
MAIL GIRL: What did I say?
You washed your dog, ran to
the park, and squeezed some melon juice.
MAIL GIRL: Here's an
e-mail from Mikey in Isla Vista, California.
"Hey Joe Bobb and
"Rusty, you're doing an excellent job of doing the mail.
"I wanted to comment that I found last Saturday night, and many
other weekends, to be especially sexist toward women. You were
objectifying women in an objectifying way. To talk about women as just a
pair of boobs is not really kind to the female population."
brought me this on purpose, didn't you?
"That is the reason I watch
MonsterVision. I watch not only for the David Lynch or Carrie movies but
for the only openly sexist show on television. I think it's
Okay, so it has a happy ending.
MAIL GIRL: Wait,
here's another one.
"Dear Joe Bob,
"I am ashamed of you. You
should show more respect to Rusty. In my opinion, without Rusty you would
not have a show. I am serious. The only reason I watch MonsterVision on
Saturday is to see Rusty bring your disrespectful butt your mail for the
week. So in short, straighten up, and show some respect to your
"Joseph Leach, San Antonio, Texas."
hands him a stack of letters]
Okay, I get it.
Aren't you gonna read them?
[quickly reading excerpts] "Rusty, you
should get much more exposure on this program instead of that evil
insulting Curr you must work with. Sam Taylor." "I could have said
something really sleazy but unlike Joe Bob I am a gentleman. Chris Hill."
Wait a second, why are all these letters telling me not to treat you like
a sex object . . . from MEN? What's happening to this country?
GIRL: These guys just know how to treat a woman, that's all.
MAIL GIRL: You know why?
MAIL GIRL: It's
the age-old practice of trying to score by pretending to be a
And that WORKS?
MAIL GIRL: Sometimes. On extremely
young girls who have been abused a lot.
So you're telling me these
guys are trying to get a date with you by pretending to be
MAIL GIRL: I'm not going on a date with the
Yeah, but you WOULD go out with a guy like that.
GIRL: You mean a guy who looks at me above the neck, and doesn't just see
me as a body? Of course I would.
"Oh, let's go have COFFEE and talk
about equal pay for women." Yuk.
MAIL GIRL: I can't believe how
cynical you are.
You just told me THESE guys are
MAIL GIRL: That doesn't mean that you're right,
But I really understand you as a person. From working with
you so long.
MAIL GIRL: Really?
[exiting] That was mean.
It worked though, didn't it? Maybe I could
learn something here.
"MALICE" Commercial Break #4
"You ask me if I have a God
complex. Let me tell you something: I AM God." I love that speech. It's
sorta like the one he does in "Glengarry Glen Ross," that David Mamet
movie where Alec Baldwin comes in for one scene and gives this killer
speech that blows everybody out of the water. Lemme ask you guys
something, though. Why is it that only the supporting actors have accents?
Bebe Neuwirth has one, right? That New England "pahk the cah" accent.
Which is ironic, cause the whole time she was on the show "Cheers," which
took place in "Bahston," she DIDN'T have the accent. Anyhow, the
secretary's got it, and the rapist-janitor's got it. But none of the stars
have it. George C. Scott didn't have it either. They shoulda gotten Kathy
Bates' dialogue coach from "Dolores Claiborne." Kathy Bates did it great.
And another thing about George C. Scott. He's in the movie for, like, two
minutes, right? This movie has Bebe Neuwirth as the cop, Peter Gallagher,
Anne Bancroft, we mentioned Gwyneth Paltrow, and all these people are
basically doing NOTHING parts. So two questions. One, if the movie is only
really about three people--Alec Baldwin, Nicole Kidman and Bill
Pullman--then why does the director, Harold Becker, hire somebody who
probly costs a hundred thousand dollars a DAY to do a part that you could
cast over at the Pasadena Playhouse? And then my second question is, why
do these giant stars wanna DO those teensy-tinsy little parts? And third,
it's not even the best thing for the movie, because instead of saying,
"Oh, interesting, the very distinguished Harvard expert," you're going,
"It's George C. Scott in a bit part! Interesting!" Totally different
emotional experience, you know? Okay, enough of my ranting. Back to the
[fading] "I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified
in cardiothoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded
citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am
never, ever sick at sea. If you're looking for God, he was in operating
room number two on November 17th, and he doesn't like to be second
guessed. I AM God." I love that speech.
"MALICE" Commercial Break #5
Whoa! Didn't we just HAVE a
commercial break? That was quick. Loading a little extra iron ore into the
old TNT advertising smelter, are we? Okaaaaaay. "Malice" is from the era
when every single movie Bill Pullman was in, he was the Guy Who Loses the
Girl. "Sleepless in Seattle," "A League of Their Own," "Sommersby." "Mr.
Wrong," which I think should've been retitled "Mr. Wrong Gender." But our
favorite Bill Pullman movie around here is, of course, "The Serpent and
the Rainbow," which we showed a couple weeks ago. Great Wes Craven flick.
That, or "Brain Dead," produced by Roger Corman's wife Julie. Roger and
Julie never collaborate, so you know it's HER movie. And it was written by
Charles Beaumont, the old "Twilight Zone" writer. I also liked Bill
Pullman a lot in "The Zero Effect"--excellent thriller you guys should
check out if you missed it. Okay, let's get back to the
[fading] "The Last Seduction," that was good, too. I like
when Bill Pullman plays jerks. In this movie, Alec Baldwin is a jerk, of
course. He's always a jerk, right? But the interesting thing is that
Nicole Kidman is kind of a jerk, too. What's a female jerk? A jerka? A
jerk-ess? Jerkolina? Let's consult Websters on that. Jerkita.
"MALICE" Commercial Break #6
Okay, NOW it's getting fairly
ridiculoso. How long was THAT segment? About a minute and a half? Just
long enough for Anne Bancroft to play yet ANOTHER role of the Scary Woman
Who Gives Advice. She's made a whole mini-career in the 90s of just doing
that. And I think we've shown every one of em this month. All right, back
to the movie. I promise the 3-minute segment won't happen again. Yall feel
free to use that 1-800-CALL-ATT to call TNT and complain.
Nice hair, Anne. Whoa. They all love to play drunks, don't they? They
spend their whole careers going, "Look, there's a speck under my eye, get
rid of it," and then they say, "What? I get to be a pathetic alcoholic?
Here! Beat me in the face with a bag of nickels. Make my hair look like
Phyllis Diller stuck her finger in an electrical socket. Paint some GIANT
bags under my eyes. Oh, this so much fun."
"MALICE" Commercial Break #7
Nicole Kidman ALMOST said the
f-word there, didn't she? "Take me upstairs and fondle me." Yes sir. They
did a pretty good job of NOT using it but making you THINK they were using
it. Nicole is following in the footsteps of Sharon Stone as our big budget
femme fatale, isn't she? She's evil and she's hot. And she's a
Scientologist. Part of the big Hollywood Scientologist couple, Nicole and
Tom Cruise, soon to be seen in the sexual thriller, "Eyes Wide Shut," the
movie Stanley Kubrick finished five days before he died. Lucky for him, he
didn't die till AFTER Nicole got nekkid on stage in London last fall, and
earlier this year on Broadway. I hope he got to see that. All the reviews
said the same thing: not a trace of cellulite on her. They forgot there
was a play going on. Understandably. Okay, Nicole's gonna go "take care of
Andy," so let's get back to the flick.
[fading] Nicole says she
likes to visit prisons when she travels. She and Tom are part of that
group of movie stars who try to keep in touch with the plight of the
common man. Well, Nicole is. Tom's back at the hotel working out in the
mobile gym that he takes everywhere. With his personal trainer. Very cost
efficient, shipping 9,000 pounds of Nautilus equipment to Ireland. But
that makes sense, because they probly NEVER stay in a hotel that has a
gym. Only the really fancy expensive places have gym equipment. Tom and
Nicole would never stay in that sorta place.
"MALICE" Commercial Break #8
So that's the end of Alec
Baldwin. How'd you like the way he died? Mediocre, huh? I'm kinda sad he
got ix-nayed; I was kinda rootin for him in a strange way. I mean, that's
SOME con, picking out some loser in high school, going all the way through
Harvard med, becoming a hot-shot surgeon--where you could probly make some
serious moolah ANYWAY--and then committing malpractice and pocketing the
20 mil. I think it's even better than pretending you're Suzy Homemaker for
two years, marrying the loser, and having your ovaries ripped out, which
is also pretty impressive. But you don't really have to STUDY for that
one. Okay, time for twisty-turny finale of "Malice." Go.
You know why most guys never wonder "Did she marry me for my money?"
Because, they don't HAVE any money. That's why Bill Pullman is a sitting
duck. She couldn't have married him for money cause he's dirt-poor. But
why did she pick him? He's the guy who can't even be manipulated by
Gwyneth Paltrow when she's trying to explain why she was late for class!
Bad husband choice.
Kind of impulsive move there at the end,
wouldn't you say? You fake out Bill Pullman for three years, shoot
yourself up with cramping fluid for six months, and then just walk into
the house next door and try to kill the little yard monster with a baggie.
I think that's called, uh, finding a way to end the movie. And what
happened to the serial killer subplot? The only reason it's in there is so
Bill Pullman can find out he's shootin blanks, sperm-wise. Alec Baldwin's
never a suspect, cause he's new in town. And you know it's not Bill
Pullman, even when Bebe Neuwirth tells him he IS a suspect. At least they
coulda put in another twist, instead of lettin it peter out half-way
through the flick. I guess I like this movie better when I don't think