And speaking of things we'd like to sweep under the rug, our next movie is the third installment in the Look Who's Talking series, "Look Who's Talking Now." Actually, I like it a little better than Look Who's Talking Too, because they dropped the voices of Bruce Willis and Roseanne, and replaced em with the voices of Danny DeVito and Diane Keaton -- as the dogs. John Travolta and Kirstie Alley juggle two tykes, two pooches and one over-sexed female executive who wants to jump Travolta's bones. How can you resist a premise like that? But don't worry -- there's still a few pee-pee and doo-doo jokes thrown in for old times sake. Let's do the drive-in totals and get it started. We have:
More close-up sperm micro-photography.
One choreographed Chipmunk song.
Designer shoe mutilation.
Dog house destruction.
One motor-vehicle collision.
Two wolf attacks.
Gratuitous Charles Barkley.
Gratuitous George Segal.
Gratuitous dance fantasies.
Like I said, it's an improvement over the first sequel, so I'm giving it . . . one star. Make it one and a half. Okay, roll the film.
[fading] Our two flicks tonight DO have a link. John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston are expecting their second little tax deduction, and Annette Bening and Warren Beatty are expecting their fourth. Travolta has played the President, and Beatty may someday BE the President. All four actors have four syllables in their names. I could go on, but I'm gonna have to start the flick EVENTUALLY, aren't I?
Did Kirstie Alley just give Lysette Anthony the bird? Did I just see that on TNT? Lysette Anthony as the sexy English cosmetics executive. We saw her get fanged by Leslie Nielsen a few weeks ago in "Dracula: Dead and Loving It." Of course, MY favorite Lysette Anthony movie is "Man of Her Dreams," which I catch whenever it's on cable. Thinks her husband is having an affair, so she sleeps with a handsome architect, who then kills her best friend, her boss, and her neighbor so he can move in next door and listen in on her phone calls. Believe it or not, NOT on the Lifetime Network. Yet. Okay, ads and then back to "Look Who's Talking Now."
[fading] "If he can't have her, no one can" -- that was the tagline. She gets away by holding a cheese knife up to her own throat and threatening to kill herself if he doesn't let her go. Don't worry -- you'll get so caught up in it, you won't even remember that I just gave away the end.
I love the Chipmunk number. John Travolta and Kirstie Alley, playing the kind of parents who choreograph big lip-synching numbers to Alvin and the Chipmunks. Are there parents like that? If you recall, and I'm sure you do, the first "Look Who's Talking" was written and directed by Amy Heckerling, and she wrote the second one with her husband, Neal Israel. And since THAT one was such a crowd-pleaser, they went with the same formula for number three. Amy Heckerling didn't want to write or direct this time, so they hired another husband-and-wife team, Leslie Dixon and Tom Ropelewski, to write it, and had Tom direct it. And if I ever have a chance to meet them, I hope they invite me over to their house, because I bet that's a fun place. All right, back in a few.
[fading] I kinda like the little girl, now that they dropped the Roseanne voice. Tabitha Lupien. A total cutie. Child actors get a lot of flack. They have to act cute without knowing they're acting cute, and then people like em.
THERE'S your scatalogical humor -- I told you this flick wouldn't let you down in that department. "I named him Rocks, Daddy, for what he left all over the back seat." "Ha ha ha, you're so cute, Mikey." Does Mikey's voice seem dubbed to anyone, or did I just get used to the Bruce Willis schtick from the previous movies? The kid must be an okay actor, cause he's in that TV show "7th Heaven," about the reverend and his family. Wholesome-looking show. I never seem to catch it, for some reason. Anyway, back to the movie, after we sell some soap.
[fading] By the way, I know I've said in the past that "Look Who's Talking" was John Travolta's comeback film, but I need to revise that. People THOUGHT Travolta was making a comeback when that came out, but then four years went by with diddly squat happening for him except the sequels. THIS was John Travolta's comeback film. He was just wrapping "Look Who's Talking Now" -- with nothin else on the horizon -- when Quentin Tarantino offered him "Pulp Fiction." And the rest, my friends, is history. Among other things, "Pulp Fiction" saved us from "Look Who's Talking Four."
So you guys remember that John Travolta is a pilot in real life, right? Last I heard, he owned a Learjet, a 1947 British single-engine Vampire fighter, and a Gulfstream II corporate jet, with a cooking galley, a movie screen, and beds for ten. He and Kelly Preston even named their son Jett, that's how much Travolta likes planes. They fly between their mansion on an island off the coast of Maine, a house in Daytona Beach, Florida, the house in northern California, a rented one in Beverly Hills, and the apartment in the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood. Whoops, I wasn't gonna mention Scientology tonight. The man's religion is his own business. Anyhow, I'm not sure if he flies to Europe -- I assume he does. He was in France a few months ago promoting "The General's Daughter," but he flew home early because he'd gotten word that he might be subpoenaed to testify at the trial of some members of the Church of Scientology in Marseilles. Dang, did it again. Well, better just do the commercials and get back to the movie.
[fading] Kelly Preston says she and Travolta have joined the Mile High Club many a time--that's the advantage of having your own jet. She's also announced that they've done it on Caribbean island beaches, in the ruins of a Scottish castle, and in the jungles of the Yucatan, whether we want to know that or not. She's been talking about what a stud muffin Travolta is because of that weenie who's suing the Church of Scientology and saying that they promised to cure his homosexuality, just like they'd cured Travolta's. Wait, I didn't just mention Scientology again, did I? Sorry . L. Ron Travolta doesn't like all the emphasis on Scientology.
See, I kinda like the dogs okay. Diane Keaton as the poodle, yelling "Play with meeee!" Real name Diane Hall, which is weird, cause in the movie that made her a household name, she played Annie Hall. Or maybe that's not weird. Maybe I'm just trying to stall until I figure out what the plot is in this movie. Is it about the dogs, or is it about Kirstie Alley and John Travolta each thinking the other is having an affair? And more importantly, how much did they have to pay George Segal to flash his face for one and a half seconds in the nightmare scene? You know, I should probly recap the first two flicks while I'm thinking about it. In "Look Who's Talking," Kirstie Alley gots knocked up by her married boss -- George Segal -- and then marries John Travolta, and he adopts the kid. Bet you forgot about that, didn't you? In "Look Who's Talking Too," they had the girl baby, and told sixty-seven potty-training jokes. Absolutely no plot to get in the way of the story. And in "Look Who's Talking Now," John Travolta flies around the world with an English bimbo while a couple a dogs romp in the mud. And Kirstie Alley dresses up as her character in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan and hangs around the mall. Does that about cover it? Okay, back in a few.
[fading] I forgot to mention that John Travolta is working on a movie now called Battlefield: Earth, based on the novel by L. Ron Hubbard. Founder of Sciento-- you know what, it's a disease, isn't it? I just-- [slaps his own face]
[fading] Danny DeVito was the executive producer of "Pulp Fiction" and the star and producer of "Get Shorty." Travolta's two mega-comeback hits. This is obviously where he and Travolta met. So I don't think I'm overstepping the truth if I say that "Look Who's Talking Now" is the most important work of Travolta's career. Little-known fact, provided to you by "Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night."
Well, I'm glad they finally found a way to weave those two complicated plots together. That was kinda like a Chinese puzzle, wasn't it? For two-year olds.
All right, I wanna remind you that next week on "Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night" we have A League of Their Own, from when Madonna was still trying to be an actress, and Tootsie -- great flick, but I'd like to say to TNT Programming: I will NOT dress up in drag, okay?
That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that if I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.
You guys hear the one about Saint Peter, who's standing at the Pearly Gates when Jesus walks by? Saint Peter says, "Jesus, would you mind watching the gate while I run an errand?" Jesus says, "Sure. What do I have to do?" Saint Peter says, "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, their lives. Then decide if they deserve to get into Heaven." Jesus says, "Sounds easy enough," and Saint Peter goes off on his errand. First person to come to the gates is an old man. Jesus sits him down and says, "What was it you did for a living?" Old man says, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembers his own job on earth, and asks "Did you have any family?" Old man says, "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus is intrigued, and says, "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" Old man says, "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leans forward and whispers, "Father?" Old man leans forward and whispers, "Pinocchio?"
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.
[fading] A door-to-door salesman rings the bell at a suburban house. Nine-year-old kid opens the door, puffing on a cigar.
Salesman asks him, "Is your mother home?"
Kid takes the cigar out of his mouth, flicks ashes on the carpet, and says, "What do you think?"
Host segment transcript from 12/4/99 broadcast ©1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved
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