"Right now it's time for "The Kiss," starring Joanna Pacula as a
high fashion model vampire werewolfess who comes to stay with her dead
sister's family and starts aardvarking with her dead sister's husband so
she can gain his confidence and try to get close to his daughter so she
can stick this slimy devil tongue into the daughter's mouth and get
eternal life. Does that about sum it up? I think so. Here's the drive-in
totals. We have:
Five dead bodies. Five breasts, all belonging
to Joanna Pacula, and all hacked out. One motor-vehicle collision.
Neck biting. Bug zapping. Finger chopping. Escalator
mangling. Delivery-guy flattening. Priest burning. Scissor
through the neck. Wrist breaking. Cat toasting. Gratuitous
swimming. Exploding pool. Nekkid voodoo.
Check it out, and I'll be here with you throughout.
this version, we only get obstructed views of Joanna Pacula's two biggest
talents. It's kinda like having seats at the Superbowl with a pole right
in front of em. I did deduct half a star for that. It may not be enough.
We'll see. Of course, it IS Joanna Pacula. Sometimes when I look at her I
DO have a pole right in front of me, if you know what I mean and I think
"The Kiss" Commercial Break #1
"Could we make this plot a
LITTLE more complicated? We got the Belgian congo, we got multiple
generations, we got jet-setting witches, we got slutty Catholic school
girls in Albany, New York, we got the alcoholic dad subplot, and we got
something rarely seen on cable--or anywhere else for that matter--the
strangulation of a small child. How did THAT get past the TNT high
sheriffs? Gimme that memo again. Where does it say "Small child
strangulation, okay. But don't say the word 'lesbo.'" And speaking of dark
brooding Lesbyterian subplots, what the HECK is this movie ABOUT anyhow?
You know you're in trouble when they introduce that gargoyle thing around
her neck. Any time you get a locket, a totem, a magic stone, a pendant,
anything in the general area of costume jewelry, you've got a massively
complex plot. So LOOK OUT, here it comes. And, by the way, I do feel
duty-bound to tell you that they did major surgery on that scene where Mom
dies in the car crash. The whole shock of the scene came when they pull
her body out, but her LEG stays put. You don't really get that in the TNT
version. Okay, more later, but back to the movie.
[fading] By the
way, I didn't care for that crack about glow-in-the-dark condoms. Men died
creating that technology."
"The Kiss" Commercial Break #2
"By the way, sweetheart, the
woman lounging by the pool in a leopard-print outfit is the sister of your
dead mother who your mother couldn't stand but she'll be staying here in
the house because I think she's hot." Is that how that father-daughter
talk went? I'm just trying to imagine. This is Weenie Male Night on TNT,
isn't it? And why is dad SMILING all the time? Nicholas Kilbertus is the
father, and he smiles through this whole goldurn film like those people in “The Twilight Zone” that’re afraid Billy Mumy’s gonna wish em into the cornfield. "Hey, I'm gonna
throw out my dead wife's clothes, even though they still smell like her
perfume. Isn't that nice?!" And then there's the suave cake delivery guy,
with the brilliant pick-up line: "So, I'll see you around, right?" Anyhow,
really great, disgusting scene coming up here now, so roll
[fading] Actually, I've used that line before. "See ya around."
Girls LOVE that. It expresses the DESIRE to see that woman again, but
without any specific requirement on my part to ACTUALLY see her, in case
something better comes along. Chicks love it. Chicks and broads love
"The Kiss" Commercial Break #3
"Ooookkaaaaay, we've got
wild monkeys from Africa in the Vita-Plan research facility, and a "Cousin
It" with-rabies-fierce-attack-cat that slashes in the night. Where did
that thing come from? Is it like a psychic furball that Joanna Pacula
coughed up? Or did I miss something?
Okay, there were a number of
things set up in that last part that are never going to pay off, because
WHO HAS TIME? What do we have here, about 87 subplots at this point? But I
won't tell you WHICH things will fail to lead anywhere. It'll be like a
little game. Vitamin factory: yes or no? Rabid monkeys? Evil pool filter?
Write down your answers. Talk amongst yourselves in the chatroom. Give
yourself a prize if you're right. And don't cheat. All right, back to the
[fading] I had a math teacher who used to always say, "Those
who cheat are only cheating themselves." And I would say, "You know,
you're right? But I've decided not to press charges."
"The Kiss" Commercial Break #4
"That's a well-established
scientific fact. When your father has sex with a voodoo devil woman, NEVER
try to attend anatomy class at that same moment. It'll give you a hell of
a headache and, in the case of young girls, your period will come early.
But couldn't we just do WITHOUT the weenie in the bakery shop entirely?
Does he HAVE a purpose in this movie? All right, I'm not gonna ponder it
any further, because it's time for "Joe Bob's Jail Break," where we read
the mail from America's fine penal institutions. [enters] And here to help
us is the one-woman ratings bonanza, Rusty, the TNT Mail Girl. Do you
think the guys ever goof on that phrase, "penal institution"?
GIRL: Don't even go there.
And in the women's prisons, do you think
they go, "We WISH this was a penal institution!"
MAIL GIRL: After a
while, I'm sure they do.
I thought you didn't want to go
MAIL GIRL: That was before you hit home.
having a little dry spell, are you?
MAIL GIRL: I'm just being
sympathetic, that's all.
MAIL GIRL: What? If I was
having a dry spell, it'd be because I chose to.
Yes, I'm painfully
aware of that. In fact, let's move on. I don't want to get
MAIL GIRL: Okay. Here's a letter from Terry Hall at the
Carson City Correctional Facility in Carson City, Michigan.
"I am part of your captive audience that makes up 10 per
cent of Michigan's total population (65,000-plus men). I am locked up in
one of its fifty-plus prisons that seem to be expanding rapidly, but thank
God I have not been privatized yet, although, I am part of a large
industry that bases it's justice on profit.
"I enjoy watching your
programs and would like to thank you for giving prisoners an outlet to
respond to your programming--especially your letters from inmates.
"There is one fallacy I would like to clear up. The televisions
found inside the Michigan Department of Corrections are not paid for by
the state--as much as they would like to take credit for it. For a 12-inch
black and white (Avanti model 1239-u) television, we are charged $78 for
one of hundreds we order at a time. That money rarely comes from prison
jobs which pay an average of $3 per week--if you're lucky enough to have a
job with the overcrowded conditions--the money comes from the families of
the inmates. We are very lucky to be able to view your programs and we
have you and our families to thank.
"It should also be noted that
not only are the televisions not paid for by the state, but ALL the
recreation equipment--including weights, the furniture found in dayrooms,
the three microwaves found in the unit, and even the store where we can
buy the little things that are not supplied by the state, i.e.
medications, toilettes like soap, shampoo, nail clippers, combs, and even
a candy bar, are bought and paid for by families of inmates.
of what we have comes from the profits of our store--where we (through the
funds sent by our families) also pay the salaries of the store keepers
($80,000 per year for two men).
"The late great Supreme Court
Justice Warren Berger visited prison systems throughout the world and
envisioned a prison system in the U.S. that would be self-supporting. An
interesting fact is that in the 1950's, Michigan prisons were almost
totally self-supporting. Inmates grew their own food, made their own
clothing, even furnished prisons with their own furniture factory. Now it
seems justice and the good of society would be better served if the
contracts previously accomplished by inmates are given out to elite
private industries rather than inmates. What the hell, it's only your tax
"U.S. Sprint last year gave the Michigan Department of
Corrections 6.8 million dollars for the contract on inmate phones. That
money was allegedly to be spent on education for inmates. NOT! In fact, we
have a classroom equipped with computer technology, but it is felt this
technology should not be taught to inmates. The only time the classroom is
used is for tours of the public.
"Truly yours, "Terry Hall
#163132 "Carson City Correctional Facility, Carson City,
Well, Terry, here's my only question: Can I buy one of
those $78 TV's? Who do I talk to? Thanks for your letter--we love a
captive audience. Free your mind and your butt will follow. MAIL
GIRL: That was nice that you read that. I do what I can. I also
help out with dry spells. MAIL GIRL: You really want to know how
you can help me out? Don't even go there."
"The Kiss" Commercial Break #5
"Well, we didn't get to see
Joanna Pacula's fabulous garbanzas covered with voodoo paint, but we did
get to see Meredith Salenger do the scissors through the throat.
Apparently it's okay to show scissors-to-the-throat as long as the victim
is a bloodless supernatural being. That's in the TNT high-sheriff
guidelines somewhere. Chris Walas did the special effects for this flick.
He got an Oscar for his work on The Fly and he went on to direct "The
Fly II," but I thought he coulda used a little more blood for that scene
we just watched. I do realize she's some kind of African voodoo monster,
or she's dead, or both, but five minutes before that she was squeezing
blood out of herself like nobody's business, and I'm pretty sure there's
more to come. Anyhow, let's not hang it up. Continue.
Joanna Pacula is in that flick "Virus" that just came out, with Billy
Baldwin, Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Sutherland. I'll watch Joanna in
anything. I love Polish girls. Not as much as Estonian girls. Latvian
girls--now THERE'S some outstanding cheesecake. Sorry, lost track there
for a minute. Oh yeah, Polish girls. They know how to trim the hedges, if
you know what I mean and I think you do."
"The Kiss" Commercial Break #6
"Well, we knew the priest
was gonna end up a Post Toastie, didn't we? So, okay, does anybody know
exactly what Joanna Pacula IS at this point? She has to pass some spirit
with a lousy shelf-life on to her niece that she got from HER aunt, but
where'd she learn the voodoo? Her aunt turned into a rotten corpse when
she gave her the lesbian kiss on the train, so I don't know where she
woulda fit in the voodoo lessons. And she's got dead blood, a cat with a
saliva problem, and some nasty-looking melanoma. Okay, here's the
climactic conclusion to "The Kiss;" maybe we'll get some answers
[fading] Meredith Salenger, as the spellbound Amy, writhing
half-nekkid on the bed--she's a cutie, isn't she? I haven't seen her
around much, but apparently she's making a movie right now about a
man-eating alligator on the loose in Lake Placid. Directed by Steve Miner
of Friday The 13th Parts 2 and 3 and "H20," and written by David E.
Kelley, creator of . . . "Ally McBeal." And "Picket Fences" and "Doogie
Howser." I tell ya, everybody wants to do a horror flick now. Anyhow, we
like Meredith Salenger. She's an inspirational little actress.
"The Kiss" Outro
"Well, you can't say they didn't have a
big closer. "I don't know, Stu, you think we should use a chainsaw in the
final scene, or is it too much?" "Oh what the hell!" And then we have the
aggressive slimy spinal-cord attack. And somehow after not being able to
hike her hiney up out of the pool for five long minutes, Meredith Salenger
ends up on the concrete as the tank explodes underwater. And Dad is showin
those pearly whites again. "Oh, zippety-doo-da, you escaped the evil slimy
snake and my dead wife's sister who turned into the corpse from Hell.
Happy, happy." The classic "Kiss," circa 1988.
Okay, I wanna remind
you that next week there is no "MonsterVision" per se, but I'll be on
throughout the weekend, with my special guests Fred Williamson and Kevin
Greene, and we'll have a whole passel of football-themed flicks, delivered
to you straight from South Beach in the Super Bowl city of Miami. Yes, I'm
hauling the trailer right down to the beach. Won't that be
That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that I don't
know about art, but I know what makes me say "$2000 for that piece of
junk?! Are you nuts?!"
Did you guys hear the one about the woman
who goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's
funeral? She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in
a dark blue suit. The guy says, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in
the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it has to be a
blue suit, telling him money is no object. When she comes back for the
wake, she sees her husband in his coffin and he's wearing a beautiful blue
suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks
how much it cost. Guy says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The
funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought
in wearing a blue suit. I noticed they were about the same size, and I
asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband was buried in a
black suit. She said that was fine with her. So I switched the
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never
[fading] Did you hear what happened to Descartes on his
flight to Miami? When the stewardess asked him if he wanted another drink,
he said, "I think not," and he disappeared.
Don't like that one?
You guys know the definition of a Freudian slip? When you mean one thing
and you say your mother.
All right, two guys are in a bar. One
says, "I drink to forget." Other guys says, "Me, too. Why do YOU drink?"
See if your favorite person, TV series or motion picture is available on video:
Fun fact: Think this is the first time the word KISS has been used oddly? Well, the rock group KISS tells their fans that it stands for "Kings In Satan's Service."
Not to be confused with past MonsterVision flick Daughters Of Satan
One of the very first silent films was a short "The Kiss," but the embrace was considered so passionate, some were outraged