Don't miss Joe Bob's Halloween sèance with special guests Rhonda Shear (host of USA Network's Up All Night) and Joe Flaherty (host of SCTV's Monster Chiller Theater), featuring In the Mouth of Madness, The Fear and The Fog on Sunday, October 31, beginning at 10:15 (ET/PT). These films are so scary!
Think you can tell the difference between fantasy and reality? Well, you won't after you sit through this nutcase of a film which is narrated by a madman in a straitjacket. Sam Neill plays the ill-fated insurance investigator who tries to locate a missing horror writer, obviously modeled on Stephen King, and winds up hopelessly insane - or is he? Directed by John Carpenter. With Jürgen Prochnow (as the writer, Sutter Cane)
Intro Well, this is danged embarassing. It's spook night on TNT, the night when every horrible terrible unspeakable thing that you ever imagined, might happen to you if you failed to say your prayers at night or pick up your underwear off the floor like your momma told you instead of kicking it under the bed or if you stole your daddy's Playboys and ripped out all the good pictures and stuffed em in baseball mitt cause you knew nobody'd look there. This night, when everything evil you ever did is gonna whup you upside the head, we had planned a big event!
We were gonna do two things. We were gonna show the great John Carpenter horror classic "In The Mouth Of Madness," and we were gonna hold a seance, with the seven greatest psychics in L.A., trying to bring back the spirit of Anton Zandler LeVay from the other side. You know who Anton Zandler LeVay is? Unfortunately it doesn't matter who Anton Zandler LeVay is because so far, as you can see, nobody is showing up! So, oh my gosh! Do I need you [Rhonda enters]
Rhonda: I love a man who states his weaknesses up front
JB: Rhonda Shear, help me raise something from the dead, honey! Rhonda: My specialty JB: You know who Anton Zandler LeVay is? Rhonda: Is there a funeral going on in here or did you just have plastic surgery? Get some light on! JB: Actually, we're having a seance, Rhonda, and we're gonna talk to the most evil Satanist who ever lived. Do you know him? Rhonda: I dated him JB: Right. Well, perfect. The psychics are flaking out on me tonight so, are you psychic, by the way? Rhonda: I think I know what you want, Joe Bob JB: Don't do that, don't even start with that because we need to concentrate on a crisis situation Rhonda: OK, what do I do? JB: Alright, sit here, put your hands on the Ouija board there, and assume the position, you know, fingertips. And, wait a minute. Can we do this with just two people? Rhonda: Well, three is kinkier JB: Well, we have no choice. I like you, we'll give it a shot. Just keep your fingers on the Ouija squeegie there [knock on door] Just when that was starting to get good. Alright, keep doing that and that's gonna tell us which dead people are available tonight Rhonda: Did you have to go to college to learn that, Joe Bob? JB: [opening door] Count Floyd! Floyd: [howls] Trick or treat! JB: Count Floyd, are you psychic, by any chance? Floyd: Well, let's just say I know where the bodies are buried JB: Alright, well, do you know Rhonda? Floyd: Only in the Biblical sense JB: OK, let's party. Coming up, the great horror flick, "In The Mouth Of Madness" starring Sam Neill, and Juergen Prochnow, and Charlton Heston, and sometime during the movie, we will speak to the ghost of Anton LeVay, right guys? Rhonda: My fingertips are getting very very tired. Joe Bob, would you help me massage this little woody thing? JB: By all means, Rhonda. Join in, Count Floyd: This is going to be an outstanding film! JB: Count Floyd, sarcasm is not very attractive in this particular context Floyd: Verrry scarrrry! JB: No, that's not gonna work
JB: Any movie that starts out with dozens of lunatics in padded cells singing, "We've Only Just Begun" along with Muzak, can't be all bad, right? "There's a guy with a pair of swollen testicals who swears you want out of here," spoken by the great David Warner, to the equally great Sam Neill. And actually, I do know of a few quaint sidewalk cafes that could be improved by the occasional axe-murderer in their midst. With that thought, I'd like to resume our Halloween seance, with my psychic friends network consisting of Rhonda Shear and Count Floyd. Now, I would like to ask you, is there any particular demonic figure or vampire from the past that you would personally like us to get in touch with tonight?
Floyd: Well, all my relatives live so many centuries, that when we occasionally get rid of one, we like to leave him there JB: Alright. Well, what about you, Rhonda? Rhonda: Well, I like them dead, and rich, and in love with me JB: Ah, lust from beyond the grave, I'm all for that. Well, let's apply our fingertips to the woody, and see if we can summon up someone. I personally vote for either Anton LeVay, who was the worldwide head of the Church of Satan before he died a couple of years back, or else Jayne Mansfield for two obvious reasons Floyd: I'm with you there, Joe Bob Rhonda: Wasn't she decapitated? JB: So? Look, here, we're getting something. G-H-O...ghoul! Floyd: Oh, that's not it. Look, it's still moving! JB: Well, you're pushing it Floyd: You're pushing it JB: Quit pushing it Rhonda: I'm not pushing it JB: Ghoul...Ghoulardi Floyd: Oh, Ghoulardi. The horror movie host JB: Ghoulardi, that's all we could come up with? Floyd: Well, he's dead and he's a ghoul JB: I'm going for the head of Satan, the wickedist man who ever lived and we get a beatnik who hosted movies in Cleveland in the 60s? Rhonda: Hey, don't knock Cleveland. I spent some of the longest nights of my career there Floyd: And I also heard you did some shows there JB: I love Cleveland. It's just that this guy ended up being the announcer for "The Love Boat," that's all we end up with? Floyd: Ghoulardi was a genius JB: OK, alright, we'll talk to Ghoulardi. I was just hoping for, you know, Ivan the Terrible, or something Rhonda: I dated him JB: OK, back to the movie, “In The Heart Of Madness,” directed by the great John Carpenter Rhonda: I dated him Floyd: I dated him too JB: You guys are going to have to get a little more serious if this thing is going to work. Concentrate, OK?
Well, you can always count on Charlton Heston to take a part in a horror movie if he likes the script, and he did like this script. The movie came out in 1997, and it was John Carpenter's first horror movie in 9 or 10 years. The one before this was, I think, “Prince of Darkness.” You probably enjoyed that one, Count Floyd: Oh, that was a frightening thing JB: Well, John tried to make big, classy movies for a while. But he came back home to his roots. John Carpenter is best known of course for Halloween, The Thing, Assault On Precinct 13,The Fog, you know all these movies don't you, Count? One of our horror masters. And speaking of cheap movies...Rhonda? Rhonda: I really hope this is not going where I think it's going, Joe Bob JB: No. Later on, it's maybe going there. But, I just wanted to ask you, how does it feel to be hosting movies again after, what, 8 years on Up All Night? Rhonda: Well, I'm not really hosting it, am I, Joe Bob? You seem to be doing most of the so-called “hosting” yourself. JB: Well, I'm so sorry, Rhonda. And you, Count Floyd. When was the last time you hosted a movie on SCTV? Floyd: 1984. It was “Four For Texas,” with the Rat Pack. Oh, boy, that was Sammy Davis and the boys JB: Well, who could forget that one? We'll get back to the seance in a moment. But first, Rhonda, I want you to kind of flex your muscles for us, and, I'm all flustered. But maybe you could introduce this next segment of the movie for us
Rhonda: Well, I'd be happy to, Joe Bob. And I'm sure it will be more interesting for your audience than all those old dead people you're trying to talk to Floyd: Hey, don't knock the dead. There are child vampires starving in India JB: Pay no attention to the man behind the cape, over there Rhonda: In this next part of “In The Heart Of Madness,” Sam Neill and Julie Carmen find themselves in an alternate reality. It's almost as interesting as the alternate reality Joe Bob is dreaming up for himself right now JB: [gazing at her] What? Rhonda: Joe Bob, wanna stay up, all night? [giggles] Floyd: I know a party when I see one developing. Of course, in my case that would mean staying up all day! JB: [to Count Floyd] You're ruining my alternate reality here. Rhonda, continue, do that again [she does]. I'm a goner
You know, it occured to me when we were talking about Ghoulardi, earlier, that maybe some of you don't know about Ghoulardi. Of course, we professional late night movie hosts, we know who he is. Floyd: Yes, he's a legend JB: He's dead Floyd: Well, that's why he's a legend Rhonda: I dated him JB: OK. Ghoulardi's real name was Ernie Anderson as you know, Rhonda, and he was the station announcer at a network affiliate in Cleveland, in the early 60s. And he started hosting afternoon movies, dressed up like a spaced-out beatnik with a macabre sense of humor. And kids loved it, and his specialty was blowing stuff up on the show--cars, army men, whatever. Which is eventually what got him fired, becuase his favorite expression was “Stay sick.” And kids started repeating it all the time and annoying their parents. But, everyone who grew up in Cleveland, always remembered Ghoulardi. And those shows are classics. And then of course he became the network announcer for ABC, where he stayed until his death about 3 years ago. And he was the guy who said, "The Love Boat." Remember that? And now if everyone will concentrate real hard, I want you guys to really do this, concentrate real hard. Just join hands, in a circle, concentrate real hard, and think only about Ghoulardi. And when something occurs to you, just free-associate, just let it all out, OK? Floyd: You owe me money, Mr. Network Big-Shot Guy! Rhonda: Oh, Ernie, ummm... JB: Speak further beyond, Ernie Anderson, speak! Floyd: Yes, what have you got to say for yourself? Rhonda: Whisper right in my ear, Ernie Floyd: Hey, did he go thru me?
Rhonda: Oh, baby! Floyd: Release, release the bonds from beyond Rhonda: Oh, are you OK, Joe Bob? JB: No, Ernie kicked me between the legs! Floyd: Oh, that was just a diversion for the bill collectors. I know him well. JB: This stuff works Rhonda: No, Ernie, no. I would never sleep with him
Floyd: Ghoulardi, there's a man with a pair of swollen testicals that can swear you wanted out of here Rhonda: Are you alright, Joe Bob? Come on, are you OK? Floyd: Shake it off, Joe Bob JB: Yes, I'll be OK. I just never heard of a ghost that hits below the belt like that before Floyd: Well, he's not a nice man. You know, they change when they die. Rhonda: Yeah, but it was kind of exciting. The seance. When are we gonna do it again? JB: We'll do it again in just a minute, OK? Count Floyd, why don't you talk about the movie? Cause I need to conserve my strength, before we bring Ghoulardi back into the room with his kung fu, or whatever he's gonna do Floyd: Alright, sure thing, Joe Bob. OK, here we have a fine example of a horribly slimey monster, who disguises himself as that guy from Das Boot. The German U-boat captain wants to kiss the pretty girl while, simultaneously, sending vicious attack dogs to kill the townspeople, and forcing the spooky old lady at the hotel to chain her naked husband to her ankles. We can all identify with that, right? Rhonda: I have been there JB: You two are crazy Count Floyd & Rhonda: Don't call me crazy! JB: It was an expression, OK? A manner of speaking. OK
[announcer: Coming up next, they're deep in the woods to overcome fear, but it's coming after them. Feel The Fear, next. Then, something's rolling into town, and bringing death with it. Beware The Fog at 2:30am on TNT] JB: “Reality is not what it used to be.” My favorite line from the movie. Rhonda: Quiet, Joe Bob. Count Floyd is channeling Ghoulardi Floyd: No, no, I don't think it's him. I think it's...“Me, little sister Veronica!” JB: What are you doing? Floyd: [little girl voice] I'm bringing you news of your eminent death! JB: This is crazy Rhonda: [with Russian accent] Welcome, Veronica, I am the spirit of Catherine The Great, and nobody messes with me, bitch! Floyd: You slept with the whole Russian army! JB: Ladies! Girls! Ladies! Please, back to the movie. Floyd [as himself again] Wait a minute. Was there someone just here? Rhonda: Kiss the hem of my garment! Floyd: You don't have to ask me twice Rhonda: Down dog, kneal! JB: Please, go to the commercial, before this gets away from us Rhonda: Kiss my ring! Floyd: Yes, maam! Rhonda: Yes, your Highness! Floyd: Yes, your Highness! Rhonda [as herself] Aaaa! What are you doing? Get away! Where's my shoe?
So, what if none of us exist? What if all of us were invented by Stephen King and this whole apparent world is simply the projection of a guy's imagination, who lives in New England? Isn't that what this movie's about? Rhonda: Let's do another seance! JB: No more seances! No more seances! Floyd: Oooo, you're a little edgy, Joe Bob. Calm down JB: I'm edgy, I'm edgy! First, the ghost of Ghoulardi punches me in the gonades, OK? Then you start channeling some bastard cousin of an evil agnel, then she turns into the Queen of Sheba... Rhonda: Catherine the Great JB: ...and then you both get into a catfight, and then you try to kiss her pantyhose or something, and you're saying I'm edgy! Rhonda: Poor baby, you've just been doing this hosting just a little too long JB: Yeah, like tonight. Too long. Yes, this whole night has just been a little too dang long. That's right Floyd: Hold on, Joe Bob, have a little Goody's Headache Powder, it always works for me JB: Well, thank you, Queen Veronica of the High Heavens, I'll do that Rhonda: Here Floyd: You know, that gender-reversing thing, that was intriguing, wasn't it? JB: Don't even go there, Count Rhonda: I'm Rhonda Shear, and we're watching “In The Heart Of Madness,” and Joe Bob is going to be up, all night! JB: What are you doing? Floyd: I give this movie three and a half stars! JB: What is this? Count Floyd & Rhonda: We'll be right back, after this! JB: Where am I? Floyd: You know, they have horror-host rehab, Joe Bob. It's not such a bad place Rhonda: Or, we could just do it the old-fashioned way JB: Now I know you're messing with me
Well, nothing like a wonderfully up-beat ending to round off this night. Course we knew that Sam Neill wasn't gonna dance off into the sunset, cause the very first scene in the movie had him trussed up in a strait jacket, but God, that was depressing! Rhonda: It's only a movie, Joe Bob JB: I mean this show, I'm talking about this show, was depressing Floyd: Well, we can always try it again, next Halloween JB: Why, so you can turn into a transvestite ghost again?
Floyd: Hey, no need to get nasty, Joe Bob! JB: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you're my guests. Thankyou for being here, Count Floyd. And the legendary Rhonda Shear, I feel like we've learned a lot tonight Rhonda: What have we learned? JB: I dunno. I'm sorry. Thankyou for being here. This was fine. Happy Halloween Count Floyd & Rhonda: [faces pressed together, side-by-side, grinning] Happy Halloween, Joe Bob JB: That's just creepy Count Floyd & Rhonda: Don't...call...us...CREEPY! Rhonda: "We are not creepy"
Rhonda Shear is probably best known as the star of USA Network's long-running, popular Friday night series, USA: Up All Night. For more than eight years, the actress and comedienne won over fans performing comedy sketches and bits during the show's bumpers. Shear has been described as a tongue-in-cheek combination of Lucy Ricardo, Barbara Eden and Mae West
But there are serious brains behind the beauty -- Rhonda graduated from Loyola University and was accepted into law school. A former Miss Louisiana, Shear currently performs stand-up comedy in casinos across the country and serves as the Celebrity Spokesperson of the Los Angeles Chapter of the United Scleroderma Foundation. She is also an avid doll collector and a regular contributor to Dolls Magazine
Rhonda is scheduled to begin production on the new syndicated series called News of the Weird, based on the newspaper column of the same name. She most recently starred in the feature film Earth Minus Zero as a maniacal reporter and next plays a movie star in the film Desperation Boulevard. Other acting credits include: Mel Brooks' Spaceballs, Basic Training and guest starring roles on Happily Ever After, Silk Stockings and Married With Children
Joe Flaherty got his comedic start in The Second City
improv troupe beginning in 1969. Born in Pittsburg, Flaherty was raised in
Toronto, the town that gathered Chicago-birthed Second City's most solid
company, which included John Candy, Eugene Levy, Andrea Martin, Catherine
O'Hara, Harold Ramis, Rick Moranis and later Martin Short. In 1976, the
group of talented actors decided to bring their schtick to the small
screen and create television history. That year, SCTV began broadcasting
in Canada and would soon make the syndicated rounds in North
A master of caricature, Flaherty's well-loved SCTV
repertoire included Count Floyd, host of conspicuously unscary movies; Guy
Cabellero; Slim Whitman; Hugh Betcha; and dozens more. After SCTV, in
addition to numerous film and television roles, Flaherty starred in and
directed Canadian television's cult favorite Maniac Mansion, a much
grieved for series. Flaherty's film roles include Stripes, Who's
Harry Crumb and Back to the Future Part II (he's the Western Union man who delivers an 80-year-old telegram to Michael J. Fox, leading into Part 3). He has also appeared in
the television series Mr. Belvedere, Married With Children
and Ellen. This year, Flaherty returns to television in the new
series Freaks and Geeks. But he will always be Count Floyd to
Second Halloween Feature: The Fear (1995) at 12:30am ET/PT
Here's one to make you reconsider those group therapy sessions you've been attending. A specially selected group of therapy patients meet at an isolated cabin in the woods to confront their worst fears. The fun begins when a creature resembling a wooden sculpture begins stalking them one by one. Don't look for big names in this horror thriller although it does feature B-movie actor Vince Edwards in his final screen role and horror director Wes Craven as Dr. Arnold.
Third Halloween Feature: The Fog (1980) at 2:30 am ET/PT
Something strange is happening in Antonio Bay. A fog bank just rolled into the seaside town and once people enter it, they don't come out again. Hey, what's going on here? Adrienne Barbeau and Jamie Lee Curtis are among the baffled citizens who find themselves in the thick of it. Directed by John Carpenter, the horrormeister who gave us Halloween.
Watch for these great titles on MonsterVision in the upcoming months:
Two unrelated comments.
First, how bright can Mindy be, writing about "mail chauvinist pigs"? You're the only mail person I'm aware of on monstervision, and you hardly fit that description. Do you suppose she meant "male chauvinist pigs"? If so, I wonder if she's as lovely as she is bright?
Second, there was another Gilbert Gottfried wannabe, several years before Joe Bob, whose name I forgot, but she had long blond hair, and she used the phrase "Up all night" as part of her rap. The last time I saw her she was doing a late night commercial for a 976 phone service.
This made me wonder if Joe Bob is friends with her and the other Gilbert wannabes that have come and gone over the years, after their 15 minutes was up, or if he considers them competition, and therefore doesn't have any interface with them? Joe Bob doesn't have to worry, none of them has more talent than he does, only as much.
Also, what is Joe Bob going to do after this gig is up? Or can't he think that far ahead? As for you, when you get tired of that mail slot, why don't you e-mail me your resume?
You're trying to remember Rhonda Shear. Gilbert and Rhonda were the hosts of USA's "Up All Night" until about a year ago, before I started as the "MonsterVision" mail girl. They just vanished overnight, and nobody around here really knows what happened to them. At the time they disappeared, we were thinking about having them on the show. Oh well.
Things are not the same since you left the Dallas Times Herald. Hell, you left and those bozos went under. Remind Turner of that at contract time!
I have always wondered - did anyone ever make more macho use of a cigarette than Robert Mitchum, especially in Thunder Road?? Bogart had a moment or two, sure and so did Paul Muni when he lit two at a time in some late 30's flick. But, is Mitchum in T R not "mas macho de todos"??? This has been a burning issue for years, and I grovel at your infinite movie & life-in-general wisdom to set the record straight.
Also, was there ever a better movie and perfectly cast actor for the part than Jack Webb in "The D.I." Come to think of it, Jack just might be Mitchum's equal with a smoke. No pansys here!!! Real men...none of this "sensitive" stuff to try and impress some empty-headed ball of female fluff!
I hope Santa brings me a "I am close personal friends with Joe Bob" jacket, but I aint holding my breath. I drove through my old hometown of Greenville Texas and waxed reminiscent for The Trail and the Hunt drive-ins.
I will check back often for answers to lifes important questions...just thought I would warn you.
Critic and Cultural Advisor and casual Hero of the Oppressed
P.S. Remember! Just because you are paranoid DOESNT MEAN they arent still after you !!!!!!!
My nominee for the greatest cigarette-smoker in the history of film would have to be professional sleazeball M. Emmet Walsh. The man can move the cig all over his mouth without every touching it with his hands. He actually uses it for PUNCTUATION when he speaks.
By the way, Emmet can be seen in The Deliberate Stranger, coming up March 21 on "MonsterVision," in a rare non-sleaze role. (He plays one of the cops trying to nail Ted Bundy.)
Ok! So when are we going to see it?
I'm talking about "Joe Bob, The Movie", of course! It would have to center around you being a humble(?), honest, and noble(?), but struggling critic of the weekend offerings of the celluloid artists, such as future Hall-of-Famers of the really BIG screen, Roger Corman, Wes Craven, and the rest of the ilk.
And when, like an gift from film-heaven, the excessively innocent- looking "Reno", arrives in the lobby of your film studio (which is actually the little porch of the double-wide which houses the entire studio operation...) and ever so sweetly begs you for protection from exploitative Hollywood- type directors, and a chance to pursue a more pure form of the stage-performers' art, as a Monstervision Mailgirl. You, of course, see that she really does have talents..., and take her under your "wing" for HER safety.
Then, mysteriously, Honey leaves without any explanation... But, how lucky you are to have such a qualified understudy as Reno ready to fill-in, at this unexpected development. And, once the point oh two throngs of regular viewers recover from Honey-withdrawal, the ratings do start to climb back up. But wait! The studio is then beset by a whole series of unexpected blackouts and technical difficulties. Then, to pour "salt in to the wound", a whole array of critics, censors, and other assorted crackpots target you as a threat to the fundamental tenants of democracy. The day seems long, and dark, for our miss-understood hero, but he stands strong in the face of adversity, until about 15 minutes later, when the media redirects its sights on a new target-of-the-moment.
Whereupon, worn-out from fatigue, you then stop get the mail yourself, out of forgetfullness, and accidently find a letter from your ex-flame, Wanda Bodine, addressed to directly to Reno. Conveniently choosing to expect it to be some of your fan mail, you "innocently" open it. Therein, you read that Wanda is proud of the disruptions caused by her geographically distant, but emotionally close, third-cousin, twice removed by marriage, "Reno"...
Reading on, you discover that her real name is actually Raylene Nadine Bodine(!) You then proceed to your producer's office with what you think is incriminating evidence. But you pull-up short when you hear raucous noises comming from behind the door. You stop to listen, and recognize the voices of Reno, your producer, your critics, and your censors!
Multi-capable stage-hand that you are, you pause once, for dramatic effect, and then rush back to the recording closet, flip a few switches, and not only record the whole sordid goings-on, but broadcast the (soundtrack ?) out over the surrounding, small but quaint, used-car lot. The (celebrants ?) all rush out, to see you handling the recording equipment, and start to shout threats and re-evaluations of your ancestry.
Unflappably, you simply say, "You all find work elsewhere, in short order, or all the recordings go out to bid amongst all the available tabloid TV show hosts." And, you quickly buy out the producer's financial interests in the show for one dollar (on account).
You then announce to Reno that her internship has just ended, and she passed with flying colors, so she should be sure to list you as her best character reference on all future job applications. She then pouts, says "You haven't seen the last of me, Joe Bob Briggs!!!", turns around and stomps off. And you then sigh, "thank youuu".... (gotta set-up for a sequel, right?)
You then turn to go back, and spot her, standing in the doorway. She then says demurely, "Hello, my name is Rusty, and I wanna be a TNT Mailgirl soooo bad!" You glance back to the camera, "That was fun, and if its worth doing, its' worth doing twice..." (fade to black)
Staying tuned in,
P.S. Also, please explain, at length, the socio-technical-existentialism- of-the-post-Jungian-subliminal-throw-back-to-economical-mayhem-"fu".
P.S.S. I consider the "drive-in-totals" the real "meat" of the movies, but I would also like to know the number of shapely (female) legs to expect..."
Ooooooops, here comes my buddies.
Scratch that, as I am only a "part-time leg-man". No, wait. Make that "occasional leg-man". Uh, correction, change that to "very infrequent leg- ".
Oh, just skip it...
Just what are you implying? First of all, I believe the correct term is "mail artist." And I would never use the power of my position to take advantage of these impressionable young girls. Unless they begged me.
Hang in there,