Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At
Howling 5: The Rebirth
Mark Siversten gets a good look at the giant shag rug that's munching on character actors in "Howling V: The Rebirth"
"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
How would you like to grab one of those Cotton Dockers guys by each leg of his khaki pants and make a wish?
How would you like to take his foam-soled deck shoe and force it under a Lawn Boy?
What if the next time he stuck his hand in his low-riding diagonal side pocket, there was a two-foot baby rattler in there?
Close-up on his elbow: "Remember those prizes they put in the candy boxes?"
Close-up on the other guy's belt buckle: "Yeah, I always got the little plastic donkeys."
Close-up on the first guy's expanding Adam's apple: "Yeowwwwww!"
Close-up on the Chinese guy's knee-cap: "So what snake bit you?"
Close-up on the guy mending the kite: "Whose idea was it to make kites anyway?"
Close-up on the left earlobe of the guy with glasses: "It sure wasn't his--his hand has giant purple snakebites all over it!"
Close-up on the first guy's inseam as he doubles over in pain, grabbing one hand with the other: "AAAAAAARGH! Get me to a hospital! I'm dying!"
Close-up on the back of the first guy's writhing head as he falls down on the wet grass and slides under the greenskeeper's riding lawn mower: "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEyooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Call my family! Get me an ambulance!"
Close-up on the black guy's arms as he chips a nine-iron to the green: "All I need now is a lawn chair and a submarine sandwich, one of those with nine different meats and seven cheeses."
Close-up on the first guy's closely-trimmed sideburns, now streaked with blood: "Don't you understand I'm DYING!"
Close-up on the other four guys leaning against a pier, playing the rock-scissors-paper game: "How can I be cheating? It's impossible to cheat at this game."
Close-up on the first guy's eighty-dollar knit shirt as his four friends grab him by each arm and each leg: "Aren't you supposed to do this with a chicken bone?"
Close-up of the first guy exploding into eight pieces: "If you're not wearing Dockers, you're just wearing pants."
Close-up of the Chinese guy's left ankle: "I wonder who invented chicken bones."
Speaking of people who should be devoured by enormous-fanged hairy creatures, "Howling V: The Rebirth" came out last week, which is very interesting because I don't remember "Howling 3" or "Howling 4." In fact, what I DO remember is that "Howling 2" was so pitiful they had to put lipstick on Christopher Lee, dress Sybil Danning up in a wolf suit, and then run an instant replay of Sybil ripping off her blouse FOURTEEN TIMES during the closing credits. In other words, pretty durn lame.
I do have some vague memories of some guy in Kentucky writing to me about either the "Howling 3" or the "Howling 4," which is evidently sold only to coal miners in video stores in the Appalachian mountains, and he said it has something to do with werewolf kangaroos in Australia. So the amazing thing is that they've made five of these things now, and NONE of them have anything to do with any of the OTHER ones. I understand they've already signed Andrew Dice Clay for "Howling 6: The Stand-up." The Dice-Man will be making fun of crippled dwarves, then donning a werewolf suit and actually murdering the crippled dwarves on stage.
Meanwhile, we've got this thing, which stars Philip Davis as a Hungarian count who summons eight character actors with ugly red birthmarks on their arms to a castle that hasn't been lived in for 500 years. Once they get there, a huge blizzard snows them in and so they mostly wander around the underground dungeons, saying stuff like "The devil was a werewolf? Wow!" Then they start getting eaten by something that appears onscreen for about two seconds and looks like a German shepherd with a shag rug strapped to its back. And the group dinner includes a professor, a movie actress, a pro tennis player, a photographer, a bimbo, a lady doctor--in other words, it's "Gilligan's Island" with a body count.
The problem with all these movies that are shot in dungeons, underground cities (like Nightbreed), tunnels, sewers, is that you get sick of it being dark all the time and people holding candles and lanterns and saying "Are you sure this is the way, David?" You want the German Carpet-Dog to return and eat em faster.
Twenty-eight dead bodies.
Double broadsword impalement.
Stephanie Faulkner, as the woman who is visited by the werewolf while she's putting on her jeans and says "This is VERY rude";
Victoria Catlin, as the doctor, for saying "It can't be an animal--no animal kills for pleasure";
Ben Cole, for saying "We're puppets, and THE COUNT is pulling the strings";
and Philip Davis, as the Count who is a member of an ancient werewolf-hunting religious order, for saying "Werewolf! The prophecy is fulfilled!";
Elizabeth She, as the airhead bimbo, for screaming "No! This can't be happening!";
and Clive Turner and Freddie Rowe, the screenwriters, for writing the line "There is an ancient Hungarian proverb--Check the one who looks innocent!"
Two stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Communist Alert! The North 220 Drive-In in Asheboro, N.C., has shown its last nekkid breast. This is the famous drive-in where, on May 6, 1955, James and Betty Barker were married while standing on top of the snack bar, with a capacity crowd honking horns and flashing headlights to celebrate with them. The Barkers were still there, at the drive-in, on the night it closed, 34 years later. And they're still married, because their marriage was based on the strongest thing in the universe: the drive-in itself. Todd Wyatt of Chapel Hill, N.C., related the Barkers' touching story to me, so that we can all be reminded that, without eternal vigilance, it can happen here. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk and his world famous newsletter, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310.
Dear M. Briggs,
WE ARE INSULTED!
For the last time, they are not called "ventriloquist dummies!" THEY ARE PROPERLY KNOWN AS "Ventriloquist Figures."
If you insist on using the "D-word" in your column, it will be boycotted by People for the Ethical Treatment of Ventriloquists!!!!!
An SASE is enclosed for your apology.
You're the dummy,
Ed Castello, President,
People for the Ethical Treatment of Ventriloquists
I feel like SUCH a ventriloquist figure.
All right, I admit, it was a ventriloquist-figure thing to say.
Dear Joe Bob,
As a Christian, one who has asked Jesus into my life, I was very much offended by your article "Poll on God That's Truthful." it was very irreverent and I honestly have fear in my heart for you and your life.
I am not being critical of you. I am just speaking to you because I care about you and what happens to you. You have no understanding of how muchGod loves you, otherwise you never would have written what you did. You have deeply grieved God.
[enclosed pamphlet "Have You Heard of the Four Spiritual Laws?"]
Thanks for passing along God's message.
He sent you one, too: "I can speak for Myself. That's why they call me God, honey."
Dear Joe Bob,
I've been practicing the "bash the cat with the suitcase" trick, and I just wanted to let you know how I get the best results. In my opinion, the procedure works much better when the arm is completely extended and the suitcase makes a full overhead swing. A running start seems to facilitate this. Also, to produce the best sound, results are significantly improved when the broad side of the suitcase impacts the cat.
Don't forget to keep that brass clasp pointed down. Otherwise the cat thinks it's a game.
Dear Joe Bob,
My favorite articles of yours were the recent one about Jessica Hahn and the other involving the Abdomenizer. Some relative gave me a similar device that involved a spring that ran between your legs and up to a handle. The damn thing was more apt to pinch your groin or pull out your leg hair than to help with weight loss.
They told you that was for weight loss?
Billy Billy Billy Billy Billy . . . Those things are made for groin hair removal.
Dear Joe Bob,
I read your article about the Missouri laws passed restricting decent subjects for music, and noticed that in the last sentence (about 3M Corporation closing the Minneapolis drive-in and not doin' nothin' with it) you mentioned Buffalo. I also noticed that that is a syndicated article. Was mentioning Buffalo a fluke or did you change the city for every city in which the article was printed or do you really think that the people of Buffalo are the last people on earth that would stand for that kind of bull?
Did I say Buffalo?
I meant to say "Toledo."
I can't believe I put Buffalo in an article.
© 1990 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved
For more of Joe Bob's pre-TNT reviews in Grapevine, Texas, go to his Drive-In Reviews Archive over yonder at www.Joe Bob Briggs.com
Continue forthwith to Joe Bob's review of Howling 6
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