Monstervision's 100% Wierd Presents

House (1986)

From Leonard Maltin's Movie & Video Guide:
Horror novelist (William Katt), simultaneously suffering from the split-up of his marriage, son's disappearance, and Vietnam memories, is plagued by demonic fantasies when he moves to the Victorian home where his aunt hanged herself. Lots of horror effects that don't hang together, but a quirky attitude, and a sense of humor, buoy things enough to make this moderately entertaining.
Additional cast: George Wendt, Richard Moll (the one-eyed mutant in 1983's Spacehunter:Adventures In The Forbidden Zone), Kay Lenz, Michael Ensign, Susan French, Mary Stavin. Directed by Steve Miner (director of the latest Halloween movie, H20). Rated R
Followed by several sequels.

"House" and House 2 have been seen on the Sci-Fi Channel

Now let's see what Joe Bob Briggs says about both movies:

(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)

William Katt is a Stephen King-type writer who gets a divorce and goes out to live in the haunted house where his aunt killed herself and his little boy drowned in the pool, so he can write a book about his Vietnam experiences that nobody wants to read. Hey, we've all been there, right? But the problem is, the guy can't get any work done because the fat neighbor keeps showing up every time he rigs up his Minolta to photograph the monster in the upstairs closet. And then when he starts running around the house in his combat fatigues, shooting off his shotgun at a Miss Piggy slime creature, the police come. It's not that easy to kill this monster, because the house has a 12-foot-long fish on the wall that's been zombified, and it starts coming back to life--not to mention the seven farm implements from the shed that start flying through the house, threatening to gouge the guy's privates. In other words, what we've got here is one of those nightmares-reflecting-me-screwed-up-life flicks, sort of a cross between Poltergeist and "Rambo."
Three quarts blood.
A 21 on the Vomit Meter.
Five dead bodies.
Seven beasts.
Zero breast count, due to Kay Lenz's failure to pop her top.
One hanging.
One drowning.
Valium gulping.
Flying skull bat.
Chimney Gremlins.
Heads roll.
Arms roll.
Hand rolls.
Gratuitous reptiles in the bathroom mirror.
Dead fish Fu.
Dismembered hand Fu.
Grenade City.
With Curt Wilmot as the Rambo Skeleton, the first soldier-of-fortune monster, and George Wendt as the fat neighbor who tries to kill the monster with a harpoon. 2 Stars

2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights Reserved.
For more reviews by the artist formerly known as the host of MonsterVision, go to JoeBobBriggs.com

By the way, Stephen King's latest is "Rose Red," a miniseries on ABC January 27, 28 and 31, 2 hours each night - he calls it the ultimate haunted house story. He based it partly on the Winchester Mansion on San Jose, CA, when Spielberg asked him for a possible movie script, then changed his mind. So Stevereno sold it to TV, but when they went to the real Winchester Mansion, everyone decided it wasn't creepy enough so they built their own haunted house for the cameras.

House 2:The Second Story (1987)

An orphan (Arye Gross) returns to his murdered parents' home to dig up clues - and his great-great-grandfather.
Leonard Maltin says, A followup rather than a sequel, this incoherent mess is, if anything, a step down. Another young hero (William Katt is replaced by Gross, and goofy neighbor George Wendt by fellow "Cheers" actor John Ratzenberger) moves into another wierd house, and finds himself involved with living-dead Wild West gunslingers, crystal skulls, Aztec sacrifices, pterodactyls, and a sword-wielding electrician.
Additional cast: Jonathan Stark, Royal Dano, Lar Park Lincoln (Honey, where did Lar park the Lincoln?), and of course the politically incorrect Bill Maher.
Directed by Ethan Wiley, rated PG-13
Now, let's see what Joe Bob has to say about this one:

(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)


A guy digs up his great-great-grandpa's grave to steal a magic skull, only Gramps turns out to be a mummy zombie so EVIL that he wants to MOVE IN WITH THE RELATIVES. So Jesse, the great-great-grandson, lets him live in the basement for a while, but only if he behaves himself and promises to go back in his grave after the vacation. Then Jesse's dingbat friend Charlie bops by, gets drunk with Gramps, and lets him drive a 1986 Alfa Romeo Spider. Then a Hercules caveman sort of guy comes by the house to do the pony at a costume party, only he ends up punching out a monkey-suit extra, stealing the magic skull, and turning the upstairs bedroom into an alternate-universe set out of "Quest For Fire." Then there's a bunch of plot about a pterodactyl and a worm-dog and how Jesse and Charlie have to save the skull or else the forces of evil will take over their brains and then they go rescue a virgin from some Aztec metalheads that stuck their alternate universe behind the light socket in the living room. Finally somebody calls up the SWAT team and says, "There's an entire audience being held hostage in this movie," and so the SWAT team shows up outside the house and starts shooting it out with ANOTHER 175-year-old outlaw named Slim.
No breasts. Fifteen dead bodies. Four beasts. One exploding head. One motor vehicle chase. Gratuitous Uzi semi-automatic submachinegun fire. Gratuitous worm-dog. Ironing board Fu. Mummy Fu. Pterodactyl Fu. Aztec Fu. Tyrannosaurus Rex Fu. With Lar Park Lincoln as Kate the airhead record exec wife ("Wow! Who decorated this place?"), Amy Yasbeck as Charlie's bimbo electro-bubblegum singing girlfriend, John Ratzenberger as Bill the electrician ("I've seen this before and it's always made my adenoids curdle"), Royal Dano as the 175-year-old mummy Grampa ("Did you blow his head off? That's a good boy.").
Produced by Sean Cunningham, of FRIDAY THE 13TH and SPRING BREAK renown. 
4 stars

2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights Reserved.
For more reviews by the artist formerly known as the host of MonsterVision, go to JoeBobBriggs.com

The Horror Show: House 3 (1989)

House 4 movie posterOh the horror, the horror...after the box-office receipts were counted for "House 2," they left "House 3" off the title of this one during it's run in theaters and drive-ins. Here's what Leonard has to say about it: Lance Henriksen gives typically strong performance as cop pursued by murderous - and already executed - maniac (Brion James), who's intent on wiping out the cop's family by turning nightmares into reality. Confused, silly and boring.
Additional cast: Rita Taggart, Thom Bray, Matt Clark, Dedee Pfeiffer, Lewis Arquette, Lawrence Tierney, Alvy Moore, Directed by James Isaac, rated R

House 4 (1992)

House 4 (no sub-title for this one) has William Katt from the first one, playing a character by the same name. Here's Leonard: When her husband is killed and her daughter confined to a wheelchair in a car wreck, a young wife holds onto the old house he inherited, despite spooky goings-on and efforts by her brother-in-law to get her out. Slow, overlong, thrill-less, this lurches from comedy to horror without rhyme or reason, and can't even match the shoddy effects of the first two. Footnote: although Katt has the same character name, he doesn't seem to be playing the same person.
Additional cast: Terri Treas, Scott Burkholder, Denny Dillon, Melissa Clayton, Ned Romero, Ned Bellamy, Dabbs Greer, John Santucci, Mark Gash, and last but not least Paul Keith (star of Christine). Directed by Lewis Abernathy, rated R

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Actual news item:
An angry ghost sent a construction crew in a frenzy as they began to renovate a 100 yr.old house in Austin, Texas. The owner claimed it was her great-grandfather, who probably didn't want the house changed.
Workers said the ghost had red eyes, spit nails & dropped a 2x4 on a foreman's head. The owner said she can't find another crew after word got around!
Elvis has left the building, and he took Joe Bob with him.
Entire page above Bill Laidlaw for Scifans.com - not a Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved. Plagerized stuff clearly noted