Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At
(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)
The first movie that has something GOOD to
say about teen suicide, this excellent black comedy stars Winona
Ryder as the high school princess who can't decide whether to be
popular or to be human, so she starts murdering all the girls
named Heather, then decides she shouldn't be doing it and it's
all her weird-beard psycho boyfriend's fault (Christian Slater,
doing his Jack Nicholson imitation). The first murder is an
accident when they dare Heather Number One to drink some liquid
Drano. Whoops! It's the most popular funeral in the history of
the school, but how to explain it? A suicide note! It's dramatic,
the media will love it, it's full of "troubled youth" material
for TV. But once you kill one Heather, who can stop?
Five dead bodies.
One dead Barbie doll.
Gratuitous Cliff's Notes.
Gratuitous issue of
Stud Puppy Magazine.
Liquid Drano Fu.
With Kim Walker as the Head
Heather ("I told Dennis if he gave me another political topic I'd
spew burrito chunks"), Carrie Lynn as Martha Dumptruck the fat
girl, Shannen Doherty as Heather No. 2 ("Grow up, Heather--bulimia is so eighty-seven!"), Penelope Milford as the school
counselor who sponsors a "talk and feel together" assembly on
teen suicide, Patrick Labyorteaux as an obnoxious jock ("When I
get that feeling, I need sexual healing"), Mark Carlton as the
father of a dead jock who grieves by his coffin ("My son was a
homosexual and I love him--I love my dead gay son"), Lisanne Falk
as Heather No. 3 who stuffs thirty pills in her mouth ("Suicide
is a very private thing"), Jennifer Rhodes as the mom who sees
her daughter hanging from the ceiling of her room ("I should have
let you take that job at the mall"). Slater has the best line:
"Maybe I am killing everyone in the school, but nobody loves me."
Written by Daniel Waters, who makes poetry out of the term
"phlegm glob" and writes lines like "Great pate, Mom, but I have
to motor if I'm gonna make it to the funeral" and "If you were
happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being--
you'd be a game show host."
© 2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights
Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company in this lifetime.
"Heathers" is available on video and on DVD from Amazon.com
For this and other movie reviews by the artist formerly known as the host of MonsterVision, go to Joe Bob Briggs.com
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