Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At

Halloween 5 (1989)

Donald Pleasence still believes that a good strong program of psychotherapy will work on this guy

"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 10/20/89
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas

It's been about nine weeks now since Ugly-on-a-Stick got pregnant by either Jimmy Bohannon or one of the Gonzalez brothers, but I didn't realize till recently how much trouble we're in. Every day when Ugly-on-a-Stick goes to work at the Le Bodine Personal Grooming Salon, they have to hire a Guatemalan refugee to stand by the manicure station and hold up a shower curtain so you can't see Ugly's--I mean Chloris's--stomach. (Everbody calls her Chloris now cause she's even MORE pitiful.)
Evidently there's a little mutant Mr. Potato Head growing in there. I mean, it's bad enough when a woman who's 47 pounds and stands six-foot-nine decides to give birth to an alleged human being. But when you have to WATCH it every day . . . yuk!
"Joe Bob, he's kicking today," Chloris will say. "Here, feel of him."
This is nothing new. Chloris used to try to get you to do this even before she was pregnant. But the other day, I actually did it, and I still havea to go wash my hands just THINKING about it. I may be wrong, but I think this baby might have three heads and nine legs. And it's an ANGRY little fetus. Maybe it heard about the pro-abortion march on Washington or something, but touching Chloris's stomach is like putting your hand in a Commercial Osterizer while it's making a strawberry daiquiri.
"Ugly," I told her, "you need to get your insides checked."
"I DID, Joe Bob," she told me, and then she went into this long disgusting story about how she's gonna have natural Le Mans childbirth and what the baby will smell like when it comes out and how they're gonna hose it down to remove all the . . . . Ugly-on-a-Stick can tell some of the most repulsive stories in creation.
"But I need a Le Mans childbirthing partner," Ugly told me.
Unfortunately, my feet got tangled up in the shower curtain and I was not able to dive out the window in time. I did rip the shower curtain out of the Guatemalan guy's hands, though, and several of Wanda Bodine's clients got a good look at Ugly-on-a-Stick's bare midriff and threatened to take their hair-dos over to Velma Thurston.
"It's all right, ladies," I told em, "just a little in vitro hybridization. Very normal in a woman of this degree of ugliness."
After the room calmed down, I said, "Ugly, I am NOT, under any circumstances, gonna go to Grapevine General with you and stand around with a bunch of Yuppies with bad beards and look at you nekkid and mash my thumbs against your ribcage like a geek and yell 'Pull' like a skeet-shootin competition."
"It's 'push.'"
"What?"
"You don't yell 'pull.' You yell 'push.'"
"Well, I don't care if you yell 'yank that little mutant baby out of there,' because I'm not gonna do it."
"It's all right, Joe Bob," she said.
"What?"
"It's all right."
"I don't have to Le Mans your ribcage?"
"I could never make you do that, Joe Bob."
"Maybe Jimmy Bohannon or one of the Gonzalez brothers will do it."
"It's because I'm ugly, isn't it?"
"You? Ugly? Well, yes, partly it is. You are rather ugly."
"I'm EXTREMELY ugly, Joe Bob, and that's why I'll never find a Le Mans birthing partner."
"They have lesbians that do that stuff now, Chloris. Nice lesbians. They Le Mans your baby for you and then they write a book about it. It's done all the time."
"But I don't think I could use a lesbian."
"No?"
"I wouldn't feel right about it. People might think I got pregnant by a lesbian."
"You have to be in California to do that, Chloris."
Three giant tears ran down Chloris's left cheek, making her face even uglier than usual.
"Chloris?" The tears mixed with Chloris's mascara and formed a gooey blob on her upper chin. "Get a hold of yourself, Chloris." Chloris wiped her face with the back of her hand, causing her face to look like a gourmet pizza with Canadian bacon and artichoke hearts. "Chloris, stop it! PLEASE stop it! I'll do anything! I'll Le Mans you! Just don't make your face any uglier than it already is!" And then Ugly-on-a-Stick flung herself on me, knocking over the Guatemalan and three bowls of fingernail soaking solution.
"Joe Bob, you make me so happy."
"I know."
"It's so hard being ugly."
"It's hard on this side, too, Chloris."

Speaking of people that look like they've been rammed through the eyeball with a meat cleaver, our most sensitive maniac mass murderer, Michael Myers, is back for the fifth time in "Halloween 5," which is notable for being the one where Donald Pleasence TOTALLY LOSES CONTROL and decides that maybe Michael will never be cured of his desire to slaughter nine-year-old girls with farm implements. Donald is great in this one. Half his face is still horribly scarred from Halloween 4, and he's rampaging through the children's health clinic, grabbing little Jamie by the nape of the neck, saying "You MUST help me! Your tears will do you no good! He MUST be stopped!" There's one scene where you expect Donald to drop-kick the nine-year-old girl into the next county just because she doesn't express the proper enthusiasm for killing and mutilating Michael Myers.

All the other actors in Five are eminently killable. They've got that California Yupster aren't-we-all-cute jive, and they all have terminal bubblyness. My only regret is that Michael never gets a chance to scissor off a few more body parts--he's too busy searching for little Jamie, the gal they picked up in "Halloween 4" to be the "niece" of Jamie Lee Curtis. The ORIGINAL Jamie survived both One and Two, then didn't show up for Three.

Five will also be remembered for a few other things:

1) The "bad kids" have safe sex! They still get killed by the maniac while they're having sex, but at least they don't get AIDS right before they die, and, more important, they don't kill any 20-second-old fetuses.

2) The kid who buys all the beer without an I.D. is the first kid to go. This shows you what happens when you don't obey our new juvenile drinking laws. A pasty-face zombie comes to your house and rams a cleaver through your clavicle.

3) Michael Myers takes off his mask and sheds a tear. Then he remembers those box-office figures on "Halloween 3" and decides to start slashing again.

4) A new maniac, some guy in steel-tipped cowboy boots, comes to Haddonfield and springs Michael out of prison. This guy's obviously the star of "Halloween 6."
I swear I didn't do it.

Twenty-one dead bodies.
No nekkid breasts.
Bathtub stabbing.
Hacking.
Hanging.
Cleaving.
Gratuitous mutilation of a convertible with a fresh wax job.
Packing-crate spike Fu.
Pitchfork-through-the-back Fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Danielle Harris, as Jamie, for having great epileptic fits when Michael Myers bombards her brain with "rage waves";
Ellie Cornell, as Rachel, for threatening to fall out of her dress in every scene;
Wendy Kaplan, as Tina, for throwing herself on Michael Myers and not living to tell about it;
and, of course, Donald Pleasence, as the crazy Dr. Loomis, for saying "I prayed that he would burn in hell, but in my heart I knew that hell would not have him" and
"Michael, it will destroy you, too, one day, this rage that drives you. You have to fight it in the place where it's strongest. Michael, go home. Go home."
Four stars. Still the best series. Joe Bob says check it out.

JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS

Communist Alert! All three drive-ins in Portland, Ore.--the Southeast 104th Street, the Beaverton, and the Foster Road--are up for sale. And this is a town that used to have nine full-time drive-ins. Ever since they got involved in Rajneeshi-fu, these people in Oregon have been nutty as fruitcakes. Remember, without eternal vigilance, it can happen here. Thanks to Charles A. Roseberry of Beaverton, Ore., for doing his best to stave off eminent drive-in catastrophe. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk and a copy of the newsletter, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310.

Dear Joe Bob,
This movie I'm about to describe to you has haunted me for years. I don't remember much, but I do remember enough to wonder whether it was ever for real or a product of the hallucinogenic sixties. I think it did come out in the late sixties and I think it was called "The Cube."

It's about some guy that's in a totally white room devoid of furniture or doors. The wild part is, everybody can go in and out but him. A bizarre parade of people and events happen to torment this poor guy, then he gets in some kind of scrap with someone or something and he bleeds . . . STRAWBERRY JAM! (Look out, Mr. Spock!)
Anyway, in the end I think he finds out it's some kind of weirdo psycho experiment and is allowed to walk out with the doctors. As he's saying how relieved he is not to be nutso everybody and everything melts away and there he is back in the "cube" again.
No bare breasts but I believe there might have been a body or two because of the "Jam" incident.
Fact or fiction, Joe Bob?? HELP!
Judy Brink
Virginia Beach, Va.

Dear Judy:
Haven't heard of "The Cube," but what you're describing could have been about 20 LSD movies that came out in the late sixties. Best one was "The Trip," where Jack Nicholson trips out while Bruce Dern stands by saying "Trust me, I'll talk you through it," but usually Bruce Dern was the acid-head ("Psych-Out"). There WAS a flick called "The Big Cube," where Lana Turner drops acid and goes bonkers, or you might be talking about "The Weird World of LSD" or "Hallucination Generation" or Timothy Leary's movie, "Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out." Actually, since I saw all these movies in the sixties, I'm a little fuzzy on just exactly which ones, and where, and--wow, man! you ever notice how the little curlicues on these typewritter letters look like parakeets?

Dear Joe Bob:
We were considering naming our first-born Billy Bob Buck Ace Beau but changed our minds. Did we make a mistake? We named the baby Robert Fielding Abbott instead.
Joe & Ann Abbott
Santa Cruz, Calif.

Dear Joe and Ann:
Sure it's a cute name NOW. Just don't expect anybody to take "Robert" seriously when he's 50 years old. I guess you didn't think about THAT, did you?

Joe Bob,
Why don't you see men's winkies in the movies as often as you see breasts?
Cathy Sears
Newark, Calif.

Dear Cathy:
Winkies?
Men's WINKIES?
ave you people in California been inventin new stuff in the bedroom again?
You know that's how diseases start, don't you?

Joe Bob--
I wanna know how to get along with my parents. I'd appreciate your help b'cuz I'm a confused 14-year-old.
Thanx,
Alex Berge
Owego, N.Y.

Dear Alex:
I would suggest questioning them in great detail about every aspect of their personal lives. Most parents believe this is the best way to have a great relationship with their 14-year-old. They already do it to you, right? See, they'll LOVE it.

Dear Joe Bob,
What's wrong with your football team out there? Will they win a game this season? They used to be my favorite team as a child, but now, they're hopeless wonders! What's your predictions for the Super Bowl? My prediction--Cleveland Browns vs. the L.A. Rams. Score: Cleveland 17, Los Angeles 34.
Your only fan,
Ryan Wong
Castro Valley, Calif.

Dear Ryan:
You refer, of course, to the Dallas Cowgirls. New management, so nobody around here gives a flip. On Thursday afternoons, everbody goes down to the Cowboys office and begs people not to buy tickets so we can be CERTAIN the game will be blacked out on TV. Very pitiful.


© 1989 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved
For more of Joe Bob's pre-TNT reviews in Grapevine, Texas, go to his Drive-In Reviews Archive over yonder at Joe Bob Briggs.com

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MonsterVision Helpful Hints ∑ Bloodstains on non-washable fabrics: Dab the stain with cold salted water and when the stain is gone, rinse the area with clear cold water and then blot until dry.
∑ If using red food dye to simulate blood in your low-budget slasher movie, rub the stain with toothpaste, let dry and then rinse in cold water.
∑ When even commercial toilet bowl cleaners donít work to get bloodstains out of your haunted houseís toilet in Amityville, spray the tough marks with vinegar and scrub vigorously.

Elvis has left the building, and he took Joe Bob with him.