Joe Bob Briggs, and up next is the 1974 classic, "The Golden Voyage of Sinbad." Speaking of travel, that reminds me of my friend Donovan, who has a thing for flight attendants. You'd realize it right away if you got a look at Donovan. He's one of those Gucci-loafer-hanging-halfway-off-the-foot sorta guys. He's got a Movado watch that's so expensive it doesn't have hands OR digital readouts or anything ELSE on it. It's completely black. You have to have ESP to find out what time it is, because otherwise it would spoil the design that won all the awards at the Gesumtkraft Museo of Bonn. Donovan's idea of a shirt is what most people would call a silk clerical caftan. His cuff links were once mistaken for the laser-guidance devices on the F-16. He carries one of those 9,000-dollar baby-lambskin briefcases that are so small all you can get in there is a John Grisham novel and a copy of Robert Parker's pocket guide to the wines of Bordeaux. Are you starting to the get the picture here? In other words, Donovan is a first-class jerk. The stewardesses love him.
He barely has time to buckle his seat belt before the flight attendant is offering to take Donovan to her room at the airport Sheraton, get nekkid and demonstrate the multiplication tables with her thighs while serving his favorite beverage.
So last week I was on a flight with him and I said, "What is this DEAL
with the flight attendants?" And Donovan said, "They're lonely. They
travel a lot. They don't have a lot to do during layovers." Then why don't
they lay over with ME, is what I wanted to say. But what I DID say is,
"But why do YOU, a very successful man, spend this much time exploring the
personalities of women who, let's face it, reached a point in their lives
where they said: "You know what? I think I'll be a waitress in the world's
worst restaurant while bumping into things all day and fetching extra
pillows for fat guys?" He told me, "I think it's the uniform. It's like a
combination of a nurse and a cop. They go back and forth between bringing
you things that make you feel good, and ordering you to remain seated with
your seat belt fastened. It's like a yin and a yang thing. And they're
required by law to be cheerful."
"Until you get to the Airport Sheraton. Then they're only required to be back at the airport by 6:34, " I said. And Donovan said, "Exactly." And then it hit me. A flight attendant is the only woman who ALWAYS has to leave. Sooner or later they have to stuff their underwear into that navy-blue wheelie bag and say: "That was wonderful. I hope I see you again."
It's, like, a total reversal. The woman who ALWAYS has more to do than you do. The woman who can never spend too much time in the shower because she has to leave first. The woman who can never overpack because it's part of her job to underpack. The woman who knows that there's ALWAYS ANOTHER FLIGHT. This is good. This is very good.
Okay, right now, "The Golden Voyage of Sinbad," which is basically the same plot as Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger which we've already had on the show, and "Sinbad Live at the Apollo," for that matter. All the same story. Sinbad and his baggy-pants-wearing crew take a foxy babe with bare midriff aboard and go in search of some goldurn magic mythical talisman while chased by a bushy-eyebrowed pirate, and every ten minutes they stop to fight a Gumby monster designed by Ray Harryhausen. Except this time Sinbad is played by John Philip Law from Barbarella, and the beautiful woman is played by seventies supermodel Caroline Munro. Very talented actress. Talk about your double-features. Okay, let's do the drive-in totals. We have:
Four dead bodies.
Two dead homunculi.
One dead centaur.
One dead griffin.
No entirely nekkid breasts, but what we DO get to see is VERY worthwhile.
One horseback chase.
Gratuitous fake Muslim sayings.
Three stars. Check it out.
[fading] You know, I've been thinking that Gucci loafers aren't THAT bad if you avoid the ones with the little gold clasps on top.
"Walls have eyes and eyes have ears." NO THEY DON'T! See, you can say that with an Iraqi accent, and you go, "Aha, the wise man who speak wisely of wise Allah." But eyes do not have ears. What is that about? Also, didn't that one guy say "He who walks on fire will burn his feet"? That's not an ancient saying. They hired a bunch of Armenian sitcom writers to do the dialogue on this baby, didn't they? Anyhow, have you guys started to notice that Raiders of the Lost Ark kinda ripped off some stuff from this flick? Remember that gold doohickey Harrison Ford sticks on the post, and when the light hits it, it shows him on the map where to dig? That's kinda like the gold doohickey here. Except "Raiders" is a great flick, and this one is . . . not bad. For the kind of special effects they were dealing with in 1974, which was Ray Harryhausen sitting in a room for two years moving clay figures a quarter of an inch every hour. In fact, this movie was such a big hit when it came out that they re-released the first Sinbad movie, "The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad," and started production on the third one, "Sinbad and the Eye the Tiger." Remember when we showed that? Jane Seymour in braless babydoll princess tops, and Patrick Wayne E-moting? Except Patrick Wayne didn't do an accent. John Phillip Law thought Sinbad should have an accent, but he apparently thought Sinbad was from Transylvania like Dracula. Okay, back to the movie in a minute.
[fading] By the way, I finally went on that Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland. You guys been on that? It starts out with this freaky animatronic version of Harrison Ford, and then you get tossed around in a Jeep until you hurl your corndog, and when you're done, you have that Indiana Jones song stuck in your head for about nine hours. Duh-duh-duh-DUH! Duh-duh-duh! It's pretty cool.
Haroun is a hash-head! Haroun is a hash-head! The comic treatment of DRUG USE in a TNT movie, unexpurgated. I'm appalled. Okay, so Sinbad takes Caroline Munro on his ship because . . . she has an eyeball tattooed on her hand. Uh huh. It has nothing to do with the fact that she has cleavage deeper than the Mariannas Trench and wears skin-tight sequined tops with three-quarters of the fabric missing. Caroline was educated in a convent, and I must say, she IS blessed, isn't she? She's one of the British scream queens, the only actress ever to be put under contract by Hammer Films, and her trademark is wearing costumes the size of a cocktail napkin. Unfortunately, she refused to do nudity, and the nun who told Caroline that being nekkid is a sin is gonna have to do some serious Hail Marys to get into Heaven, as far as I'M concerned.
[fading] Caroline did these Noxema commercials in the seventies that were so sexy, religious fanatics got em taken off the air in the Bible Belt. And she was actually fully-clothed, believe it or not. The woman is a walking can of estrogen whup-ass.
One of Ray Harryhausen's most famous sequences -- the animated wooden
sea maiden zombie thingy. But . . .
"To summon the demons of darkness, there is a price."
"A man who fears the unknown will one day take fright in his own backside."
"Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel." Are these actual Muslim sayings? I thought I'd read all 1001 tales from "The Arabian Nights," and I don't remember "Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel." I should point out that the evil Koura is played by Tom Baker, known to sci-fi geeks everywhere as Doctor Who. Tom was born Jewish, but he became a monk when he was 15. He bailed on the monastic thing when he was 21 to enlist in the British Army medical corps, and then he left THAT for the most honorable of professions, acting. Okay, coming up, Tom Baker does more magic incantations, and Caroline Munro defies every known law of physics with that bodice that has no visible means of support. Maybe there are millions of little nanobots, swarming over her breasts like Egyptian slaves, straining with all their strength to hold up her top, like the millions who died to build the pyramids. And, of course, it would be worth it.
[fading] You know what happened to Tom Baker, don't you? He says, "I
have been called by God. I must devote my entire life to being monk."
"Good, Tom, okay, we'd like you to meet Caroline Munro."
"I'm an actor!" Tom Baker isn't the only monk-turned-actor. Peter Boyle is another one. Young Frankenstein. How does that happen? They star in the monastery's performance of "Fiddler on the Roof," and then they realize God wants em to do television? Actually, they probly don't do "Fiddler" in monasteries, do they? They do "Carpenter on the Roof."
[cheesecake ingredients (recipe attached to end of script); rolling cart with microwave; sign: tnt.turner.com/joebob]
"The Golden Voyage of Sinbad," one of the few movies you'll see on TNT where the comic relief comes from a drunk opium-addict. And speaking of relief, it's time for a visit from Rusty, the TNT Mail Girl, [enters wheeling microwave on cart] who's here to help us read some mail from America's fine penal institutions, in what we call "Joe Bob's Jail Break," and--don't tell me we got another recipe.
MAIL GIRL: Can you believe it? You've inspired the battle of the prison
Just plug it into the extension cord over there. By the way, you guys can find these recipes on the website, [holds up sign] tnt.turner.com/joebob.
[Joe Bob watches Rusty bend over and plug microwave into the extension cord on the ground]
Oh, I like that. You sure you got it plugged in all the way? Maybe you should double-check it.
MAIL GIRL: It's plugged in all the way. This is from CeCe, Lola and Kelly at the Logan Correctional Center in Lincoln, Illinois. All right, a letter from the gals.
"Hay Joe Bob,
"Enclosed is a special jail house no-bake easy cheese cake recipe from all the women here at Logan Correctional Center in Illinois. And we'd all like to know if it's true all things grow bigger in Texas.
"Hope you love the cake and pass the recipe on to others in need of a small taste of home.
"We love you,
"CeCe, Lola and Kelly.
"P.S. If it's possible we'd really like to see 'Silence of the Lambs.' If not we'll all still be watching. Maybe you could see about showing us some larger personal parts of Texas."
Yes! It's all true! Things DO grow bigger in Texas, and if they don't we add yeast. It looks like Rusty's already arranged for us to try out your recipe. I don't know, Rusty, these things never turn out too good when we make em.
MAIL GIRL: Don't worry, I have everything we need.
Let me see. [as Rusty holds up each item from cart] "One foot pan. Microwave. One Keefer ice tea jar empty."
MAIL GIRL: It's a mayonnaise jar, but I'm sure it'll work.
"Two bags vanilla wafers. Four tablespoons butter. Two tablespoons sugar. Three three-ounce packages cream cheese. Four individual jello pudding cups." Okay, what do we do?
MAIL GIRL: Here, I'll read it and you make it. "Take foot pan, crush vanilla wafers with the Keefer ice tea jar, lid first. Crush super fine."
[crushing wafers] You sure it's okay without the Keefer jar?
MAIL GIRL: I think it's okay. "Add sugar, mix, melt butter, add to crust and mix until all is coated. Now press evenly with tea jar, until compressed, microwave 30 seconds."
[Rusty pours in sugar and butter; Joe Bob mixes and compresses]
Okay, that's good. We don't have all night. [puts in microwave for 30 seconds] What's next?
MAIL GIRL: "In carmel corn bowl, mix together cream cheese, pudding and sweet-n-low. Beat until creamy and all lumps are gone. Pour over crust. Even out, set bowl in ice for one hour."
[adding and mixing] Okay, first of all, this isn't a carmel corn bowl--whatever that is--and secondly, where's the sweet-n-low?
MAIL GIRL: [looking at recipe] Uh, I don't see sweet-n-low in the list of ingredients.
If this doesn't turn out, I'm blaming you. Okay, gimme the crust.
MAIL GIRL: Your filling is still lumpy.
Yeah, and the high sheriffs are over here having conniptions. Do it!
MAIL GIRL: Okay . . .
[Joe Bob dumps filling in crust]
MAIL GIRL: That doesn't look right.
I might have to agree with you there. Just pretend you're in prison.
[cheesecake on ice, plates, forks, knife]
That last sequence was filmed in the caves of Arta, actual caves in Europe, in Greece, I believe -- and if I'm wrong, feel free to write in and tell me what a moron I am, since everyone seems to get such a kick out of that. They had to shoot those scenes in the middle of the night, cause there were tourists crawlin all over the place during the day, takin pictures and droppin Snickers wrappers everywhere. Snickers--very big in Greece. I should point out that this flick was directed by Gordon Hessler, the only guy ever to direct a movie starring the rock band KISS. Okay, it's time to take the cheesecake out of the ice. This is from a recipe that comes our way via the Logan Correctional Center in Illinois. Rusty, you want to cut us each a piece?MAIL GIRL: But it hasn't been an hour yet.
Benihana Fu. Slice-and-Dice City. That was one of the big Ray Harryhausen tours de force for this flick, where Sinbad and his crew fight off Kali, the six-armed dancing death goddess. The way he did that was to rope together two guys waving four swords around and film em. Then he drew sketches of the frames of film, drew in two more arms, and made one of those flip books out of the drawings. Then he based the movements of the model on the flip book, and shot it two frames at a time. And eight years later, he was ready to move onto the next scene. And I'm ready to move on, too, so let's get the commercials out of the way and get back to it. Go.
[fading] Ray's still around, he's just not making movies anymore. After being cooped up in his studio in London for 42 years, moving stuffed animals around at two inches per day, he decided to do a little traveling. Actually, he decided to do a LOT of traveling. Ray, if you're watching, you can go home now. No one's gonna make you do any more stop-motion animation, I promise.
Excuse me, but . . . the bad guy is already at the Fountain of Destiny and Sinbad is chasing nookie through a cave. All this time, you're wondering what HORRIBLE things that major-ugly Centaur is doing to Caroline Munro, right? I mean, they make porno videos about stuff like that. Okay, I think we need a little recap of the plot for those of you who drifted off during all that hoisting in the cave. Let's see, a flying gargoyle drops a gold doohickey onto Sinbad's ship, which Sinbad decides to use as an accessory, even though it's supposed to bring him bad luck. But instead of bad luck, he's brought a Vogue cover model with an eyeball drawn on her hand, which is supposed to be a sign, but it's really just an eyeball drawn on her hand. Meanwhile, the bad guy recites a bunch of evil spells, even though they make him age faster than a Beverly Hills divorcee in a tanning salon. Then he follows Sinbad, the supermodel, a drug addict, and a guy whose face got burned off to a lost island, where your Wizard-of-Oz-type floating head tells em to go north. That's where a bunch of green guys whose language has only developed as far as "ooga-booga" throw the model into a pit. Oh, this is after the bad guy throws a glass of o.j. at an Indian statue with six arms, which comes to life and starts knocking guys down with the six swords it's swinging around. No one gets stabbed, though. Did you guys notice that? Musta been some pretty dull cutlery. And then the bad guy accidentally knocks the gold doohickey into the fountain while Sinbad prepares for a little nookie with the model. Is that where we're at? Okay, let's get back to it--exciting conclusion to "The Golden Voyage of Sinbad," after the ads.
[fading] You know, you always have to get three things in these stories. But these are three WEIRD things. Youth. A shield of darkness. And the crown of untold riches. We're talking apples and oranges here, aren't we? And all three prizes come from the Fountain of Destiny. What the hell IS IT? Youth--okay, I guess. A shield of darkness? Why not a shield of Latex? Why darkness? And a CROWN. Can't they do better than a crown? That's Disney material there. Okay, minority opinion. I'm sure most people LOVE the three prizes. Most people would sacrifice their left bewtock for those three prizes. Fine.
"Trust in Allah but tie up your camel." Oh, those wacky Arabians. And since when did it become "Al-LAH." Wasn't it always "ALLah"? They invented a new pronunciation of the Arab word for God, just for this movie? And I guess the eye on Caroline Munro's hand was . . . a way to get her down in a pit so Ray Harryhausen could animate a one-eyed centaur fighting a griffin. Where the heck did the griffin come from? I shouldn't try to make sense of it, should I? It was the seventies -- nothing made sense then.
I wanna remind you that next week I'm taking a camcorder and going in search of the Nair Witch, the legendary hairless woman whose screams have been heard in the Hollywood Hills for 400 years. I'll be showing you my footage while we watch four great flicks that'll take us into Halloween: Carrie, "Child's Play 2," "Phantasm" and "Phantasm 2." And on Sunday -- Halloween itself -- we've got the John Carpenter flick, In the Mouth of Madness, and we're gonna have a seance with some very special guests, Rhonda Shear of "Galaxina" and Count Floyd from SCTV.
That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you to never smack a man who's chewing tobacco.
Did you guys hear the one about the man who's stranded on a desert
island for 10 years? One day he sees a speck on the horizon. As it gets
closer he thinks "too small to be a ship." It gets closer and he thinks
"too small to be a boat." It gets closer and thinks "It can't even be a
raft." Suddenly a gorgeous blonde emerges from the water in a wetsuit. She
walks up to the man and says "How long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?" Man says "Ten years." She pulls out a small waterproof pouch
and gives the man a cigarette and a lighter. He takes a long drag, says
"Man, that tastes good." Next she asks him how long it's been since he had
a drink of whiskey. Man says, "Ten years." She pulls out a flask, hands it
to the man, who takes a drink and says "Boy, that's great." Woman starts
to unzip the front of her wetsuit and says, "And how long has it been
since you’ve played around?"
Man says, "My God, don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.
[fading] What's the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What's the definition of mixed emotions? When you see your
mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
"Golden Voyage Of Sinbad" is available on video and on DVD