“Galaxis” is your basic low-budget sci-fi movie starring Brigitte Nielsen as a time-traveling / space-traveling freedom fighter named Landera, beaming down to planet Earth to do battle with evil inter-galactic nasty villain Kyla (Richard Moll) for a powerful crystal that could save her civilization. Rated R, 91 minutes
Additional cast: Craig Fairbrass. Director: William Mesa
Now here’s Joe Bob Briggs with those drive-in totals for tonight’s second feature:
OK, so much for The Wraith. It’s a sci-fi movie! No, it’s a ghost movie! No, it’s the movie Charlie Sheen tried to get taken off his resume! I have no idea what that was, but let’s hope we don’t have to watch it again. Although we could show that with “Boxing Helena” as the second feature, and by the time you watch “Boxing Helena” we’d all want to cut Sheriln Fenn’s arms and legs. Alright, we’re going to move on now.
We got Brigitte Nielsen coming up, we got Reno the Mail Girl, we gotta whole lot of ways to embarrass ourselves before the night’s over. But first, I want to remind you that next week MonsterVision will be coming to you, live, from the Superbowl! In what is fast becoming a TNT tradition, our movie will be Black Sunday, the film we show every year during the Superbowl to remind people attending the game that they can be blown up by terrorists with a hijacked blimp at any moment [crew laughs].
I’ll be out there in San Diego the whole week, and I’m leaving tomorrow, and we’ll be tooling around the city doing “little featurettes” on Superbowl Week, isn’t that cute? Anyhow, we’ll all be out there, doing Superbowl stuff, and…I don’t know what they’re going to do – I’m heading strait for Tijuana. You won’t be seeing me at the Zoo, if you know what I mean.
You know, this movie we’re about to watch, “Galaxis,” is only two years old, so you’re probably thinking, “I don’t rightly recall that movie, that slipped right by me.” Well, you know what they’re trying to do with that title, “Galaxis,” they’re trying to make you think it’s “Galaxina” (1980), you know? Because there’ve been a whole bunch of sexy spacewoman movies, beginning with Barbarella in the ‘60s.
But the most famous one besides “Barbarella” is “Galaxina” … But this isn’t “Galaxina” this is “Galaxis,” originally released under the title “Star Crystal” and then they changed it to “Terminal Force” and then they changed it to “Galactic Force.” And still, nobody wanted to see it. Fortunately, this is why MonsterVision exists. We have “Galaxis” in its full, uncut version, with Brigitte Nielsen climbing into that shiney leather, pulling on those Barbarella boots and getting ready to do battle with the evil Kevlar… or Kylar …or, I forget. But you know, Brigitte Nielsen’s english diction was never her strong point as an actress, so I’m not sure, exactly, what the evil guy’s name is.
Anyhow, I’m running out of time, so I have to do those drive-in totals. But I wanna alert you to one interesting thing. In this very first segment, there’s a real nervous guy in the Control Room, and he tells Lord Tarken, “He’s got us covered, and we don’t stand a chance.” Listen for that line. And he’s such a slimy little weasel, that he tries to make a deal with the evil Kevlar. So anyway, I just want you to know that that actor is the great Sam Raimi, director of such B-movie classics as The Evil Dead and Darkman, and “Army Of Darkness,” and the upcoming “Spider-Man,” in a rare dramatic role.
OK, let’s get this baby started. She has two days to find “the crystal.” Why are they always looking for a crystal? In the Beastmaster movies, there’s always a crystal. In the Conan movies, there’s a crystal. Some movies have entire cities made out of crystal. You know what I suggest to these people? Take Highway 7 thru the mountains in Arkansas, as soon as you get anywhere close to Hot Springs, you’re gonna see umpteen-jillian billboards that say “Melba’s Rock House, 2 miles.” Stop at any roadside tourist stand on Highway 7, they’ll sell you a crystal for 50 cents… so why do they use a crystal as this rare substance that creates the source of all the world’s energy? I don’t get it.
Anywho, the drive-in totals. We have:
54 dead bodies Two exploding spaceships Exploding van, with fireball
Exploding helicopter Exploding factory Three battle scenes Gut ripping 1 motor vehicle chase 1 character actor burned to a crisp Fireball flinging Head scalding Face ripping 4 gun battles Blue-flame electricution Eyeballs on fire
Gratuitous poker Kung fu Bimbo fu Laser fu And of course, Brigitte fu
Two and a half stars, and wait for the big cat-and-mouse shoot em out ending. You know who started this? Mannix! Every week, Mike Connors and a bad guy would stalk each other in a factory or warehouse, and then Robert Reed as Lt. Tobias would cart them off to the pokey.
A beautiful woman applies for a job as lion tamer. Ralph was the other candidate. She walks into the cage first, wearing a full-length coat. She walks up to the lion and drops the coat, standing in front of it stark naked. The lion stopped dead in his tracks and began licking her feet, then her hands, then went over to a corner and sat down. The circus owner turned to the young man and said, "Can you do that?" "Sure," Ralph answered, "But you'll have to get that lion out of there first."