"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Intro|
I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and some Rhodes Scholar decided to make the sequel to "Children of the Corn" -- TEN YEARS after the first one came out. And there wasn't enough story to make a whole movie the FIRST time, but we've got Part Two for you tonight, a mere SEVEN years after IT came out. Because this is just one of those timeless stories that you could watch forever, isn't it? It's got both of those universal elements -- children, AND corn.
Speaking of obnoxious trends, you know who's responsible for half the murders in the world? The I-Don't-Care-Whatever-You-Want People. I hate these people. I'm declaring war on these people. Here's how you recognize one. You say, "Where do you wanna eat?" And they answer -- it's the ONLY answer they ever give to a question: "I don't care. Whatever you want." So what happens next? You say, "Okay, let's go to McDonald's." And they say, "No, I won't go to McDonald's." They oughta be assassinated right there on the spot. But most of us continue as follows: "All right, no McDonald's. So where would you like to go INSTEAD OF McDonald's?" "Anywhere you want. Anywhere except McDonald's." And so what you do is you have this conversation over and over and over again, and each time you have it you eliminate ONE choice from the universe of restaurants. Because you know what's gonna happen next? You're gonna say, "OK -- Burger King." And they're gonna say: "No, I can't do that. No fast food." And now the argument REALLY takes off. Because you're gonna say, "You just said anyplace except McDonald's." "Well, Burger King is the same as McDonald's. No fast food. Anything else." "DON'T SAY 'ANYTHING ELSE'! TELL ME WHERE THE HECK YOU WANNA GO! YOU SAY 'ANYTHING ELSE' ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA KILL YOU AND YOUR MAMA BOTH." And now you're in full-fledged War Mode, because these Whatever-You-Want people always act like they didn't do anything wrong. In fact, the more you yell at them, the more they get all self-righteous, until they finally say: "I'll go anywhere. I'm not trying to fight. I'm the easy-going one. You're the one with the attitude. You want to FORCE ME to choose the restaurant."
And that's the moment when you pull the goldurn trigger. I say it's justifiable homicide. These I-Don't-Care-Whatever-You-Want people, they want you to THINK they're being agreeable, but what they're really saying is, "I'm gonna sit here on my butt while you plan my whole life and ferry me around and make me happy, and if you don't, I'm gonna make you feel like a jerk." Shoot em on sight. Shoot em as soon as they say, "I don't . . ." Before they even get the words out of their mouths. All right, we gotta start the movie. "Children of the Corn II." I'll do the drive-in totals at the first break.
[fading] You kill one of those I-Don't-Care-Whatever-You-Want people, I'll testify for you in court. I'll tell the judge it was definitely self-defense. Or maybe, when the judge says, "What do you have to say for yourself?" you could say: "I don't know. Whatever YOU have to say for me." Just to show him how it feels.
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #1
Whoa! Some major cleavage there on motorbike girl Christie Clark, better known at the time as the hot girl on "Days of Our Lives." The innkeeper with the Dorothy Hamill haircut is a cutie, too. We got a whole different cast from "Children of the Corn," since the kids killed all the grownups in that one. This is a new batch of kids, too, because the previous kids BECAME grownups before they got around to making a sequel. I have a theory about why they did this. I think some of these movies have played 17,000 times on cable in the last few years, and so what happens is 1) you forget how bad the movie is, and 2) you think it's new. "Children of the Corn II" probly owes its life to cable, but it does NOT owe its story to Stephen King, I'll guarantee you that. Anyway, I'll try to keep you entertained, as we continue, after the ads. Oh, lemme do the drive-in totals. We have: Twenty-nine dead bodies. Zombie youth brigade. Throat-ripping. Cornstalk impalement. Exploding face. Old-lady crushing. Wheelchair Lady creamed by a dumptruck and launched through a plate-glass window of a bingo parlor. Character actor grinding and threshing. Death by voodoo nosebleed. Hypodermic attack. Palm-slicing. Body-part jubilee. One motor vehicle chase. Baseball bat Fu. And, of course, International Harvester Fu. Two stars.
[fading] Did you notice how they die from cornstalk impalement? Have you ever had swordfights with your little sister with a cornstalk? What always happens? It droops over like a man in need of Viagra, doesn't it? You couldn't exactly batter somebody with one of those babies.
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #2
Little homage there to "The Wizard of Oz," where the old lady gets crushed under her house with her feet sticking out like the Wicked Witch of the East. Notice how her name was Mrs. Burke -- in The Wizard of Oz, the Good Witch of the North was played by . . . Billie Burke. Pay attention later when her sister comes along. All right, Terence Knox took some time out from his bad-guy roles on the Lifetime Network to play the dad here. Terence's real name is Terry Davis, but he took his wife's last name when he started getting acting roles. There's a liberated man, huh? Well, some would say he's a liberated man. Others would say he's a big weenie. Okay, commercials, and then back to "Children of the Corn II."
[fading] By the way, was the motorcycle bimbo washing her hair in the waterfall -- while wearing a bikini top, cutoffs, and her sneakers? Not exactly the Playboy Channel, is it? For one thing, her feet are gonna be squishy the rest of the day. You know that sound your shoes make when they're wet? VERY romantic. All right, let's have some more of those TERRIFYING scenes where people are killed by computer-generated blue light.
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #3
Okay, did you get the second part of the "Wizard of Oz" homage? Mrs. Burke's old lady sister is named Mrs. West. As in the Wicked Witch of the West. And Mrs. Burke's first name was . . . Ruby. What does this mean? It means Judy Garland wore ruby slippers. So you see how the whole thing comes full circle? Okay, what else we got? Micah, the evil Nebraska boy who looks like he's from New York, worships "He who walks behind the rows," which apparently gives him voodoo powers. Dan, the boy from New York who looks like he's from Nebraska, is swimming and flirting with the local bimbo. And John, his dad, is talking about Koyaanisqatsi with a gratuitous wise old Indian with a Ph.D. Is that about it? Wasn't Koyaanisqatsi" a really boring psychedelic art-house film from the eighties? [chanting] "Ko-yan-is-kat-see." Too many cars on the freeway. "Ko-yan-is-kat-see." Modern life sucks. Remember that? Okay, commercials and then back to the flick.
[fading] Ned Romero always plays the wise old Indian. You never see a stupid old Indian. You know why? Video poker. Okay, maybe a white man INVENTED video poker, but it took a bunch of wise old Indians to make it PAY. Right? And, by the way, what the wise old Indian said in that scene ORIGINALLY was "Those kids went ape and killed everybody." Only he didn't say "ape." He said the longer version of "ape." So they had to take out the s-word. So what do they change it to? "Those children rebelled and killed everybody." Why didn't they just change it to "Those children went ape and killed everybody"? Wouldn't that be easier? Okay, the Indian guy's here. Can nickel slots be far behind? Let's find out.
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #4
Does this seem like a Saturday Night Live sketch to anyone? "Their blood was for the corn." "Cleanse the stalk of its poison." "Will you be a soldier for he who walks behind the rows?" I keep waiting for the evil entity to walk out of the field and be the Jolly Green Giant or something. Anyhow, she who IS walking out -- of the chaparral right now -- yes, it's Rusty, the TNT Mail Girl.
RUSTY: You ever think of getting a post office box so I don't have to hike up here every week?
J.B.: Seeing that this is the only way I can get a girl up to my trailer -- no. By the way, you've never told me where YOU live since you moved out here.
RUSTY: I haven't? Huh. Here's an e-mail for firstname.lastname@example.org, from Chris of Amherst, Massachusetts.
J.B.: How bout just your zip code?
RUSTY: That's not the way it works, Joe Bob. Mail carriers get to know where everyone else lives, but no one gets to know where the mail carriers live.
J.B.: And what if there was, say, an alcoholic burned-out tabloid reporter on your route?
RUSTY: There are the official exceptions in the postal code book.
J.B.: Yeah, you got a thing for Terence Knox. You LOVE those Lifetime Network sleazeballs.
"Hi Joe Bob, I have locked myself in my apartment because I'm writing this horror story and you're in it. But you don't get killed. I was wondering if you could give me suggestions for its title. I have to tell you what it's about. Now here it goes. There is a killer in the small town of Lakeshore. It has killed 11 people and in each of them there is no lower intestine. It kills in a very gothic style leaving lots of blood and a messed-up dead body. Please respond to this.
Chris, Amherst, Massachusetts."
Lemme think about this, Chris. Oh, I got it: The Colon Killer. Of course, if it was on Lifetime, it would have a colon IN the title. "The Colon Killer -- colon -- The Margaret Simpson Story." Do you get it?
J.B.: You have NO IDEA how subtle that joke was.
RUSTY: Yeah, it was so subtle nobody laughed.
J.B.: Thank you very much.
J.B.: So are you north or south of here?
RUSTY: [exiting] Bye bye.
J.B.: Okay, back to twin sappy love stories alternating with demonic teen murders, in "Children of the Corn II: The Rural Tube Top Story."
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #5
Well, those of you who were around for the drive-in totals probly noticed that the TNT high sheriffs got a little scissor-happy with the old lady in the wheelchair. We missed her go flying through the plate-glass window of the bingo parlor, which has gotta be the tour-de-force of this movie. What would be the basis for taking that out? The violence-to-the-handicapped clause of the Turner Standards and Practices Code? Think how many DAYS they probly worked on that, plus the stunt woman who did it. Do we think about HER? No! Now excuse me, but did we just inject an environmental subplot here. The adults ARE bad. That's what we're supposed to learn, right? Because they're mixing the aflatoxin corn with the good corn, in callous disregard of the consequences. You know what we got here? We got a bunch of people wanderin around Nebraska for two hours, except when they're takin time out to sow some seed in the pretty innkeeper's bedroom, if you know what I mean and I think you do. All right, back in a few.
[fading] It's symbolic, right? It's not about gratuitous sex, it's about giving back to the land. Koyaanisqatsi. [chanting] "Ko-yahn-is-kaat-see"! Electric blue death ray. "Ko-yahn-is-kaat-see"! Wheelchair through a window. I still don't get it, though. Who IS the electric blue death ray? Is that the devil? Is the devil in the corn? That sounds like a great country song. [singing] "Oh, there's a devil in the corn, a devil in the corn . . . "
[chanting] "Ko-yahn-is-kaat-see!" We got the Anglo AND the Indian culture, all mixed together in the same movie, don't we? O-kaaay.
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Commercial Break #6
Did the wise old Indian say something about "the folklore of the valley," right before he was almost THRESHED to death and then he quoted Einstein? What valley? Do you see any hills OR valleys in this movie? We're in a valley? The International House of Pancakes has MORE valleys than this movie. And the blue electrical charge is GOD? According to the Indian? Isn't that what he said? The Higher Power is killing everybody? Lockin em in the town-meetin building and burnin em up? And let's talk murder weapons for a moment. How effective IS a giant International Harvester combine as a way to secretly kill an Indian from the college and a tabloid reporter? This is one of those ORIGINAL scripts, isn't it? Let's see what's in store in the conclusion to "Children of the Corn II," after the ads.
[fading] I don't know what I was thinking. It's sex and death. Same things Milton was dealing with in "Paradise Lost." I mean, come on, opening lines: "Of man's first disobedience, and the fruit of that forbidden tree, whose mortal taste brought death into the world, and all our woe . . . " Do I need to go on? Because I will. "I never think that I will see/A poem as pretty as a tree." Val Kilmer.
"CHILDREN OF THE CORN II" Outro
Well, that's certainly environmentally responsible. Start a GIANT funeral fire in the middle of a cornfield and DRIVE AWAY. That's not dangerous or anything. How about that double-virgin sacrifice? Well, we know at least ONE of them is not a virgin, because we saw her making the sign of the twin-ribbed cucumber a little earlier, didn't we? And I still don't even know what happened. Redbear said the spirit will open the corn and let through one who finds truth in himself. So why was he walking through THE SWAMP? I don't get it.
Anyhow, that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you, better late than pregnant.
You guys hear the one about the Christian couple who decide they want to get a Christian pet? They find a kennel specializing in Christian dogs. They pick out a dog they really like. When they ask the dog to fetch the Bible, he does it in a flash. When they tell him to look up Psalm 23, he does it, using his paws with dexterity. They're impressed, so they buy the animal and go home. That night they have friends over. They're so proud of their new Christian dog and his religious skills, they call the dog and start showing him off. The friends are impressed, but they ask if the dog can do any of the usual dog tricks. The couple says, "Well, let's find out." The man says, "Sit!" The dog does nothing. The woman says, "Lie down!" Zippo. One of the guests says, "Heel!" The couple gets very excited as the dog gets up and goes to the guest, till he puts his paw on the guest's forehead, closes his eyes, and starts to pray.
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.
[fading] Two old guys are eating. Ed notices something funny about Joe's ear, and says, "Joe, there's something strange about your left ear." Joe says, "What?" Ed says, "I think you have a suppository in it." Joe pulls it out and says, "I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where my hearing aid is."
Host segment transcript © 2000 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved
CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984)
No host segments available for the original Children Of The Corn movie, but here's what Joe Bob says about it
on his JoeBobBriggs.com website:
"When the Babtist church in
Gatlin, Nebraska, lets out, everyone heads over to the coffee
shop, takes one sip, and starts grabbing their throats and making
noises like a Maytag appliance breaking down, and then their kids
come into the restaurant and mow them down with meat cleavers and
sickles and one guy gets held down while they stick his hand in
the automatic roast beef slicer. That's all before the TITLES.
Now it's three years later, and this little kid is running
through the corn fields with a suitcase, trying to make it to the
highway, but a man with a butcher knife in his holster turns the
kid into shishkebob meat and then puts him out in the road so
some tourists will run him down like a potato pancake. After that
the movie starts to get grisly. What's happened here is that the
brats have killed the grownups and now they make gasohol all day
and murder tourists and worship this kid named Isaac who has a
Buster Brown haircut and stands about two-foot-six and looks like
Charlie Brown with a piece of goat meat lodged in his throat.
There's also a kid named Malachai who looks like Alfalfa with his
hair grown out like a hippie, and Malachai likes to kill little
dogs and old-coot gas-station owners.
The Cornflake Kids get caught when a doctor and his blonde girlfriend come along and see the streets of the town deserted and rotten cornstalks sticking out everywhere. Pretty soon she gets hung up on a cornstalk cross so she can be sacrificed to He Who Walks Behind The Rows. But first they have to wait for Amos, a 19-year-old wimp who likes to carve on his chest with a farm implement and drain his blood into a cup so everyone can drink it Jim Jones-style. Amos wants to "go
to Him" by strapping himself up there on a cross while the
Cornflake Kids crowd around and do a Vienna Boys Choir number.
Amos and the blonde bimbo are gonna "go to Him" together, because
the bimbo's husband is hiding out over in the atomic-bomb shelter
with a couple little kids who have been hiding out from Isaac and
playing Monopoly for the last three years. Obviously, a little
too much plot getting in the way of the movie.
Ten dead bodies.
One dead dog.
One motor vehicle chase.
Two pints blood.
Excellent groundhog-mushroom-cloud monster.
Great scene where Peter Horton, the tourist with an IQ of 24, gets strangled by a demon cornstalk.
With Courtney Gains as the hippie Alfalfa,
John Franklin as Charlie Brown.
Directed by Fritz Kiersch from a
Big Steve King story. Three and a half stars."
© 2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights, Reserved. Not a Time-Warner company. Yet.
Corn grows so fast after a rainstorm that you can actually hear it growing, believe it or not!
Animated graphics (c) 2002 by The Animation Factory