Monstervision Host Segments for
Carrie by Stephen King
QUEST FOR THE NAIR WITCH
Who is she? What does she want? Last week, Joe Bob, Rusty and Summer took to the Hollywood Hills to boldy seek out this hideous, hairless hag while hosting a Halloween marathon. Read on as Joe Bob deciphers Carrie, Child's Play 2 and Phantasm.
[The set is empty. A cam-corder sits near the TV/VCR]
FLOOR DIRECTOR: No, I don't know where he is.
CREW MEMBER: Try his dressing room.
CREW MEMBER #2: He's not in there.
FLOOR DIRECTOR: Wait a sec. [entering set] Was this cam-corder here before?
CREW MEMBER: Is there a tape in it?
FLOOR DIRECTOR: Yeah... [putting tape in VCR] I hope it's nothing embarrassing.
[THE SCREEN ON THE PROP TV FLICKERS, AND THEN THE AUDIENCE'S TV BECOMES WHAT THE CREW IS WATCHING:]
[items: 2 kid's backpacks (Star Wars and Smurfs), hiking books, ancient book, notebook, LA freeway map]
[HAND-HELD CAMERA FROM RUSTY'S POV, she is shooting]
JB: Is it on?
Okay. Joe Bob Briggs, and the countdown to Halloween begins. We're ready to roll with four of our favorite holiday flicks, "Carrie," "Child's Play 2," "Phantasm," and "Phantasm II." And to celebrate this special evening, Rusty the Mail Girl and I are taking this cam-corder and going in search of the Nair Witch, the legendary hairless hag whose blood-curdling screams can be heard all over the Hollywood Hills whenever she gets her twice-daily bikini waxes. We're gonna organize our supplies and interview some folks about the legend, and then we're gonna set off into the woods. Or whatever they have in El Lay.
RUSTY : I think it's called chaparral.
Chaparral. We're trekking into the chaparral. But first we have to take our bearings and get our map of the El Lay Freeway System. I think it might be possible to use the El Lay freeways as natural landmarks to mark our route. Anyway, we'll get organized here while we start the first flick, the Brian DePalma - Steven King classic starring Sissy Spacek as one of the most famous supernatural psycho killers in horror film history. I'm taking about, of course, "Carrie." It's a great movie. We'll do the drive-in totals at the first break. Okay, cut.
RUSTY: How do you turn this off? [room tilts as camera is lowered]
Take your finger off the button.
"CARRIE" Commercial Break #1
[HANDHELD CAMERA FROM RUSTY'S POV]
You don't have my head cut off or anything, do you?
RUSTY: No, I don't have your head cut off.
Those scenes between Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie just make your teeth grind, don't they? Especially when she locks her in the PRAYER CLOSET. Both actresses were nominated for the Academy Award for this movie, which NEVER HAPPENS in horror flicks. It was amazing. Okay, let's look over our supplies for the Nair Witch Project.
[ANGLE ON SUPPLIES] Trail books: "California Hiking" and "Afoot and Afield in Los Angeles County." You know, I been in El Lay almost two months, and I've never seen a waterfall. I hope that's not indicative of the accuracy of this thing. Maps. Here's my diary. "The Joe Bob Diaries." Too intense for you, Russ. Don't read this.
RUSTY: Don't worry.
And this is something about the Cult of the Nair Witch. I don't know. Oh, I said I'd do the drive-in totals. Put the camera on me again.
[WIDEN ON JOE BOB] We have:
Eight dead bodies.
Twelve gallons blood.
One mother from hell.
Psychedelic prom riot.
Crucifixion with dinner knives.
One motor vehicle chase, with crash and burn.
Feminine Hygiene Fu.
And, of course, Pig's Blood Jubilee. Four stars. Check it out.
[putting stuff in backpack] Okay, I think we're all set.
RUSTY: What about food?
RUSTY: If we're gonna be camping out, won't we need food? Provisions. For the munchies. They probly have Seven-Elevens in these woods, though, right?
"CARRIE" Commercial Break #2
[HANDHELD CAMERA FROM RUSTY'S POV]
Yes yes yes, and in the original theatrical version of the movie, Nancy Allen does a little something special for John Travolta in the front seat of his car. We won't go into what it is, but men LIKE IT, if you know what I mean and I think you do. [knock on door, SUMMER DAY enters with MUFFIN on leash]
SUMMER: Knock, knock!
J.B.: Cut, cut.
[ANGLE ON SUMMER]
J.B.: Summer, do you know Rusty the Mail Girl?
SUMMER: [to camera] Hi! I'm Miss Verona's dog walker. Whatcha guys doin?
RUSTY: We're doing a documentary on the Nair Witch. Have you heard of her?
SUMMER [into camera]: Oh, sure. I think she was a silent film actress back in the early days of Hollywood.
J.B.: I thought she dated back to the 1700s?
SUMMER: Mm, I don't think so. Did L.A. even exist in 1700?
J.B.: What else do you know about her?
SUMMER: Well, I think she was supposed to star in this movie called "Devil's Rock," but she got fired because she had a little . . . [discreetly] facial-hair problem.
J.B.: Uh huh.
SUMMER: Then everyone working on the movie died in a horrible accident. Can I come with you guys?
[WIDEN TO JOE BOB AND SUMMER]
RUSTY: I'm not getting into a tent alone with you, Joe Bob.
J.B.: Okay, Summer, you can come.
J.B.: Three's company.
"CARRIE" Commercial Break #3
[HAND-HELD CAMERA FROM SUMMER'S POV]
[ACCIDENTAL CLOSE-UP OF RUSTY'S CHIN as she helps Summer with the camera]
RUSTY: Now, you just hold it like that. It focuses by itself.
[ANGLE ON JOE BOB AND RUSTY]
SUMMER: Okay, go, Joe Bob.
J.B.: The pig-slaughter scene from "Carrie." We had to tone it down a little bit. Not to be confused with the "squeal like a pig" scene from Deliverance. You guys remember when they did the musical version of "Carrie" on Broadway? What were they thinking, you know? It ran for all of five performances sometime in the mid-eighties. In fact, Betty Buckley was in it. But instead of the girls gym coach, she switched roles and played the mom. Now can you imagine what kind of songs that wrote for Carrie's mom? "You're going to burn in hell, so LET'S DANCE." Can you imagine a big Broadway chorus line going a-pig-slaughtering? "Here we go, a-slaughterin, a-slaughterin." That had to be tough. Okay, we were just about to leave, but Rusty says we need food if we're gonna hike around the Hollywood Hills. Where's the phone?
SUMMER: Here, use mine. [passes it under camera]
J.B.: [dialing cellphone] I'm just gonna call Pink Dot and have em deliver some stuff. Yeah, hi, we need some stuff for a camping trip. We're going to look for the Nair Witch. Have you heard of her? . . . Really, since the 1700s? Did El Lay even exist in 1700? . . . Oh, it was called Mexico then . . . Forty-eight children disappeared near the Hollywood sign. That's right near where I live. . . Oh, okay. Some beef jerky, couple a cans of soup, cereal . . .
RUSTY: Diet Coke.
J.B.: Diet Coke . . . Pepsi is okay.
SUMMER: And Baked Lays. Get some Baked Lays.
J.B.: Baked Lays . . . I think that's it.
RUSTY: Can we get one of those Wolfgang Puck pizzas?
J.B.: Oh, throw in one of those Wolfgang Puck pizzas. [to Rusty] What kind?
RUSTY: Mushroom and gorgonzola.
J.B.: Mushroom and gorgonzola. Charge it to Kim Verona. Yeah, you know the place. [hangs up]
RUSTY: Oh, can we get Snackwells?
SUMMER: Yeah, Snackwells!
J.B.: I'm not calling back for Snackwells. Be professionals.
"CARRIE" Commercial Break #4
[props: paper grocery bags full of groceries]
[HAND-HELD CAMERA FROM SUMMER'S POV. Rusty reads ancient book]
RUSTY: Ooh, this book on the Nair Witch Cult is freaky. This old hermit channeled the witch, and she told him to capture kids two at a time, and make one of em face the wall while he killed the other one.
SUMMER: [getting a shot] Witches are so cool.
J.B.: Okay, hang on. This is still MY project. Put the camera on me.
[ANGLE ON JOE BOB] Did you guys know Stephen King wouldn't have written "Carrie" if it wasn't for his wife? Big Steve was 24, married with two kids, living in a trailer, teaching English and working summers in a laundry, making about $9500 a year, when he wrote the first seven or eight pages. But then he says he found himself in a high-school locker room with a bunch of screaming girls throwing Kotex at a gal who has her period and thinks she's bleeding to death, so he crumpled up the pages and threw em away. Then his wife pulled em out of the trash and read em, and she told Steve he should keep going. And that turned out to be Stephen King's first novel.
RUSTY: Huh. [KNOCK ON DOOR] Food's here!
[Rusty and Summer/CAMERA rush to door]
J.B.: Can we focus here! No one cares about literature anymore. [Rusty opens door to reveal DELIVERY GUY]
DELIVERY GUY: Delivery for Kim Verona. You guys making a movie?
SUMMER: We're doing a documentary on the Nair Witch. Have you heard of her?
DELIVERY GUY: [into camera] I SAW the Nair Witch once.
DELIVERY GUY: Oh, yeah, I was up at Lake Hollywood right where they said that her hand had come up out of the water and taken Errol Flynn's favorite poodle --
SUMMER: Did she disembowel it?
DELIVERY GUY: Disembowel? Mm, no. Anyway, right there under the water, I see what looks like an old woman, but she has no hair. No hair at all. Can somebody take these?
[Rusty takes groceries, Joe Bob signs for them]
J.B.: Here's a little something for your trouble.
SUMMER: Is that the end of the story?
DELIVERY GUY: [looks at receipt] It is for THAT tip. [exits]
RUSTY: Nice going.
J.B.: What? He was lying. Is she hairy or hairless? The Nair Witch. Is she full of hair or no hair? You know those women that just have hair on their upper lip?
SUMMER: Electrolysis will take care of that.
J.B.: The Electrolysis Witch Project. Whoooooooo.
"CARRIE" Commercial Break #5
[HAND-HELD CAMERA FROM JOE BOB'S POV. Rusty and Summer put food into backpacks]
J.B.: Come on, girls, let's get this show on the road. Before You-know-who gets home.
RUSTY: You mean the you-know-who who we just charged all this food to?
J.B.: [camera CIRCLES AROUND GIRLS] Hey, I can re-create that scene where Sissy Spacek and William Katt get lost on the dance floor and twirl around like crazy. They were on a spinning platform, and the camera was on a device that moved it in the opposite direction of the spinning platform, and they had to say their lines at the exact moment the camera was on their faces as they moved. Okay, I'm dizzy.
RUSTY: Here, give me the camera. [phony hand-off]
[Summer puts kid's backpack on Joe Bob.]
J.B.: Jeez, what's in there?
SUMMER: Eight cans of soup and a roll of toilet paper.
J.B.: Good planning. How are we gonna cook the soup?
RUSTY: I want to carry the toilet paper.
SUMMER: Then what do I do with the trail books?
J.B.: Why do you care who carries the toilet paper?
RUSTY: You'll either smush it or get it wet.
J.B.: Where do you get that idea?
RUSTY: I know you.
SUMMER: She's right, Joe Bob.
This is amazing. I can't carry toilet paper. Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're both saying?
RUSTY: It's no big deal.
SUMMER: It's no big deal, Joe Bob.
J.B.: Here, take your toilet paper.
"CARRIE" Commercial Break #6
[HAND-HELD CAMERA FROM RUSTY'S P.O.V. Joe Bob hoists a very heavy (kid's) backpack onto Summer, then swings a featherweight pack onto his own back. Summer adjusts hers.]
J.B.: Is the camera on me?
J.B.: The principal burned up REAL GOOD, didn't he? This is probly gonna be a LOT of detention hall for Carrie come Monday morning, what do you think? I'm joking. I love the picture. It tears me up. It really does. I can hardly even stand to watch the part where she's so happy and the blood's about to come down. Kinda rips your heart out. Great movie. Okay, finish it on up. We'll see you when we get to my trailer. Cut.
RUSTY : What are we going to your trailer for?
J.B.: I have to pick something up.
SUMMER: What are you picking up?
J.B.: Emergency provisions.
RUSTY: Of the liquid kind.
J.B.: Exactamundo. I thought I told you to get the "Phantom Menace" backpack.
RUSTY: It was either this or "Wild Wild West."
J.B.: Did they have "Runaway Bride"?
SUMMER: I love that movie!
J.B.: Summer, I was trying to be sarcastic.
[pile of plastic rocks]
[HAND-HELD CAMERA FROM JOB BOB'S POV. He walks behind Rusty and Summer as they approach the trailer.]
J.B.: [rear view] Oh, this is definitely going in the documentary. Okay, here we are.
SUMMER: Is this where you live?
RUSTY: Only part-time. Don't ask about the other part.
["CAMERA" searches yard]
J.B.: Now where'd I put that cooler? Girls, look around for my Playmate, would you?
[Joe Bob continues to search as Rusty and Summer search the yard OFF-CAMERA. We hear SUMMER SCREAM.]
[ANGLE ON SUMMER] SUMMER: It's a pile of rocks! [ANGLE ON PILE OF ROCKS] The Nair Witch has been here!
RUSTY: Oh, how scary!
J.B.: How do you know it's the Nair Witch? Nobody we interviewed said anything about rock piling.
SUMMER: Well how else would they get here?!
J.B.: Lemme see one of those.
SUMMER: Don't touch it!
RUSTY: [dropping rock] You think I shouldn't touch it?
J.B.: You already touched it! Give it to me!
SUMMER: Rocks have soul energy. I collect crystals and--
J.B.: It's plastic! Here, Rusty, take the camera. Lemme do another intro.
[TRANSFER TO RUSTY'S POV]
Carrie is available on video (both 1979 and 1950s versions)
"Not flinching. That was the hardest part. I had to stand there looking so happy when I knew any minute the bucket was going to fall. For blood they used syrup, the consistency of honey. I couldn't sit down: I'd stick to the chair." Sissy Spacek (Photoplay, 1977)
Host segment transcript from 12/18/99 broadcast ©1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved