"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for Blood & Donuts, October 27, 1996
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
This First Wives Club stuff is gettin' scary, isn't it? What's the rallying cry of "First Wives
Club"? "Don't get even-get everything!" Right?
Every married man's worst fear. What we've been saying all these years. It's a MONEY THING, isn't it? Every ex-wife turns into George C. Scott in the last scene of "The Hustler":
"You owe me
But even when the
guy PAYS the money, he gets hassled. The last two weeks, all the magazines and
tabloids have been hunting down "first wives" and then smearing the
guy who dumped 'em.
Jim Carrey was
singled out for special abuse, along with Bruce Jenner, The Donald and Johnny
Cochran. And these guys all paid BIG BUCKS to get out of their marriages, but
somehow it's just NOT ENOUGH.
And what was the
crime of all these guys? They went for somebody YOUNGER. We're talkin' perky,
we're talkin' nubile. We're talkin Sex Kitten City. "Pop Tarts," as
they call 'em in the movie.
So my question is:
If the guy WANTS a Pop Tart, why can't he have a Pop Tart? What if he's dumping
the old wife for a REASON?
What do we say to
a woman when we find out her husband neglects her, yells at her, never comes
home, watches football all the time and makes her do all the work associated
with the kids?
We say, "Dump
that bum!" Right?
So why shouldn't
it be the same for a man? What if he's married to somebody who nags him all the
time, spends all his money, never works and eats so much she's about as
attractive as a corn-fed heifer-or, if you live in Kansas, LESS attractive than
a corn-fed heifer?
I mean some days,
you just wake up and say: "I know I said 'till death do us part.' Well, I
FEEL DEAD RIGHT NOW."
And so the guy
goes out and finds himself a 23-year-old aerobics instructor who doesn't CARE
how many cigars he smokes. Is this so hard to understand?
If the first wife
doesn't like it, she can go out and MARRY A CHIPPENDALE DANCER. But if she does,
I'll guarantee you, Time magazine will NEVER write an article about HER, you
know what I mean?
Just one more
thing for men to TAKE ALL THE BLAME FOR. It's tough being male.
And speaking of
going for the young groceries, this week's flick is Blood
title of 1996!-the story of a sensitive vampire who comes back home
after 25 years in the ozone, only to find that his beautician girlfriend has
gotten all middle-aged and whiny on him, but the gal down at the all-night
doughnut shop looks MIGHTY FINE.
we've got here is one of those ETHICAL vampires, which you can tell by his long,
stringy Michael Bolton-lookin' hair. He's so ethical he refuses to suck neck
unless you really, really deserve it.
ago, when the first man walked on the moon, he sank his toothies HALFWAY into
the beautician, then refused to finish the job, and now she's WAAAAY steamed,
because she looks at it as her only chance for permanent plastic surgery.
Now our hero is
hanging around with a goofball cabbie, trying to avoid the beauty-shop fury
while helping his new buddy avoid two bone-cracking thugs who work for gangster
Yes, THE David
Cronenberg, director of Videodrome and "The Brood," back
for yet another stellar acting job as the well- coiffed, cowboy-boot-wearin'
Yes, we're in
Toronto. Yes, we're in the land of the Canadian independent flick. And, yes,
once again, the Canucks deliver. They do know their horror.
As the poster
says, there's a place between the living and the dead, and it's open 24 hours.
"Blood & Donuts."
Two dead bodies.
Live-rat-eating. (Extremely gross.)
beatings, with lemon juice.
Two American Werewolf-type transformation scenes.
Wooden stake through
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for ...
- Justin Louis, as the eccentric, dog-loving cabbie, who says,
"Tell 'em I moved-tell 'em I died-I love you" and, "What's,
like, your take on heaven?" and, "After I croak, go ahead and help
David Cronenberg, as the greasy gangster who makes a great speech
about "the bowling shoe rule" and says: "Am I employing
retards? I have nothing against retards in general, I just can't afford to
- Helene Clarkson, as the sultry doughnut-shop babe who says,
"Your problems are like bacteria-just breathe on them and they
- Gordon Currie, as our Toothy Guy, for saying, "Everyone's
special-that's what I believe-every human life" and, "It's like an
addiction-you have a choice whether or not to submit."
- Fiona Reid, as the aging, jealous beauty-shop gal who says,
won't have you ignore me!"
- And Holly Dale, the director, for doing things the drive-in way.
Three and a half stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
© 1996 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved. For more of Joe Bob's non-TNT reviews from Grapevine, Texas, go to his Drive-In Reviews Archive over yonder at Joe Bob Briggs.com