Blood & Donuts (1996)

And speaking of going for the young groceries, this week's flick is Blood & Donuts-best title of 1996!-the story of a sensitive vampire who comes back home after 25 years in the ozone, only to find that his beautician girlfriend has gotten all middle-aged and whiny on him, but the gal down at the all-night doughnut shop looks MIGHTY FINE.

What we've got here is one of those ETHICAL vampires, which you can tell by his long, stringy Michael Bolton-lookin' hair. He's so ethical he refuses to suck neck unless you really, really deserve it.

Twenty-five years ago, when the first man walked on the moon, he sank his toothies HALFWAY into the beautician, then refused to finish the job, and now she's WAAAAY steamed, because she looks at it as her only chance for permanent plastic surgery.

Now our hero is hanging around with a goofball cabbie, trying to avoid the beauty-shop fury while helping his new buddy avoid two bone-cracking thugs who work for gangster David Cronenberg.

Yes, THE David Cronenberg, director of Videodrome and "The Brood," back for yet another stellar acting job as the well- coiffed, cowboy-boot-wearin' meisterkiller.

Yes, we're in Toronto. Yes, we're in the land of the Canadian independent flick. And, yes, once again, the Canucks deliver. They do know their horror.

As the poster says, there's a place between the living and the dead, and it's open 24 hours. "Blood & Donuts."

Two dead bodies.
No breasts.
Live-rat-eating. (Extremely gross.)
Kiwi-flavored doughnut.
Three beatings, with lemon juice.
Neck-slicing.
Self-inflicted finger-slicing.
Two American Werewolf-type transformation scenes.
Wooden stake through the body.
Pigeon-eating.
Bat attack.
Self-inflicted gunshot wound.
Self-inflicted hand-slicing.
Combustion-engine CPR.
Gratuitous moonscape footage.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for ...

• Justin Louis, as the eccentric, dog-loving cabbie, who says, "Tell 'em I moved-tell 'em I died-I love you" and, "What's, like, your take on heaven?" and, "After I croak, go ahead and help yourself, OK?"
  

• David Cronenberg, as the greasy gangster who makes a great speech about "the bowling shoe rule" and says: "Am I employing retards? I have nothing against retards in general, I just can't afford to employ them."
  

• Helene Clarkson, as the sultry doughnut-shop babe who says, "Your problems are like bacteria-just breathe on them and they multiply."
  
• Gordon Currie, as our Toothy Guy, for saying, "Everyone's special-that's what I believe-every human life" and, "It's like an addiction-you have a choice whether or not to submit."
  
• Fiona Reid, as the aging, jealous beauty-shop gal who says,
  "I won't have you ignore me!"
  
• And Holly Dale, the director, for doing things the drive-in way.

Three and a half stars.

Joe Bob says check it out.