Scandinavian Humor
Site hosted by Build your free website today!

Scandinavian Humor

This page is dedicated to the memory of my dad, Charles Peterson, who would enjoy the Norwegian humor it offers. Dad passed away in January 1993, about a month before his 75th birthday. My dad's dad, my grandfather, and his wife, my grandmother were born in Norway near the Lofoten Islands.

I like to have fun with my Scandinavian heritage. I am 100% Norwgian-American and am proud of my Norwegian heritage. I enjoy a good poke of fun at my Scandinavian roots. So I hope you enjoy the jokes as I post them. These jokes have come from different sources. Some are written from memory, and some have been taken from places such as Red Stangland's Ole and Lena jokebooks. I don't claim any of them as my originals. I hope my Scandinavian visitors to this page do not get angry with the jokes. They are not intended to offend, but rather to amuse. Have fun reading them. now there are two pages of jokes for your pleasure.

Ole and Lena

were walking along the railroad tracks when Lena found a pocket watch. "Look, Ole," cried Lena. "I've found a watch!"

"Ya?" said Ole. "Vel, does it verk?"

"No," said Lena. Then she took off the back of the watch.

Ole was looking over her shoulder and spotted a fly in the watch mechanism. "Vel no vonder it doesn't verk, Lena! The engineer died!" It's an early evening in a quaint little pub in Ironton, Minnesota. Two men are sitting side by side on barstools, drinking beer and talking.

"Hey," says Lars, "you're Norvegian, aren't yew? I'd recognize dat accent anyver!"

"Of course I'm Norvegian," says Hans.

"Vel, Holy Oslo, so am I!" replies the Lars. "Let me buy yew a beer." So Joe the bartender brings each of them another beer.

After a bit, Hans asks Lars, "What part of Norvay is your family from?"

"Klepp, near Stavanger," comes the reply.

"Really? Dat's ver my family is from! My turn to buy YEW a beer," So Hans calls over the bartender and they toast one another with their beers and keep talking."Vere eksactly in Norvay are yew from?" asks Hans.

"Ve lived on Klepp Stasjon, in Klepp," answers Lars.

"I can't believe dis!" cries the Hans. "I used tew live on Klepp Stasjon, tew." He waves at the bartender: "Joe, I vant tew buy dis man anudder beer, and pour vun for yourself vile you're about it." So, Joe brings over two more beers and pours one for himself.

"Vel," says the Lars. "Yew must have gone to skewl in Klepp. Vat year did yew finish skewl?"

"In 1964," replied Hans.

"Holy fjords! Me, tew! Let's have anudder beer!"

"Yump'n lutefisk, says Lars. "Dis is some coincidence! To tink I'd meet somevun from Klepp in dis pub in Ironton, Minnesota! Vat vas your mudder's name?"

"Her name vas Hildegard, may she rest in da arms of our heavenly Fadder," comes the reply from Hans.

"Vat!" Gasps the Lars. "My mudder's name vas Hildegard, too, may she rest in peace. Hey, Joe -- tell everyvun in da place dat da next round's on me!" So, Joe sets up everyone in the place with their next drink. About this time, another man comes in and sits down at the far end of the bar and motions for Joe to bring him a whiskey.

"Hiya, Joe," he says, reaching for his wallet. "How're things?"

"Kinda dull, as usual," Joe answers, polishing a bit of brass with his apron. "The grill's on the fritz, the wife's sore at me, and -- oh, yeah -- the Pettersen twins are plastered again." Ole and Lena were getting up there in years. Ole was 94 and Lena was 91. One evening they were sitting in the porch on their rockers. Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee.

"Lena," says Ole, "vat do you 'spose ever happened to our sex relations?"

"Vell, I yust don't know, Ole," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."

Well, Ole was on a flight from Oslo to Minneapolis when the captain spoke across the loudspeaker. He said that the number one engine went out and there would be a half an hour delay. "Vel, dat's not so bad," said Ole. A little later, the captain spoke again and told the passengers that engine number two went out and there would be an hour delay. Ole looked Sven sitting next to him and said,"Vel, dis is kinda unushual. I hope ve don't get any udder delays." You see Ole and Sven had been away from their wives for about a month while they were visiting some relatives in Norway. "Sven, do yew tink dat pilot knows vat he's doing?"

"Oh shure, yust lay back and relax, Ole," said Sven.

So Ole managed to take a little snooze. Ole was awakened from a sweet dream about Lena when the captain interrupted for a third time to tell everyone that engine number three had just gone out and they would be an hour and a half late now getting into Minneapolis. "Uff-da!" exclaimed Ole, "I shure hope dat last enjun duzn't go out, Sven, cuz if it duz, ve'll be up here all night!" When the Norwegian accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down der yust for 50 cents." Ole took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. He was thirsty and stopped in one of the neighborhood bars. A Dane on the next stool spoke to Ole in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's play a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't answer it then you buy me a drink. Is it a deal?"

"Ya," says Ole, "dat sounds purty fair to me".

The Dane proceeded to ask Ole, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?" Ole scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was me," laughed the Dane. So Ole paid for the Dane's drink.

When Ole got back home to Minnesota he ran into Sven in a bar. "Sven," he says, "I got a game for you to play. If you can answer the question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Okay?"

Sven agreed." fadder and mudder had vun kid. It vasn't my brudder and it vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

Beats da heck outa me," said Sven, "I give up, who vas it?"

Right away, Ole says, "It vas some Dane up der in Fargo, Nort Dakota." Ole and Lena got marrried. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis on Highway 35 when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farder if you vant to." So Ole drove up to Duluth. Oh ja, I heard the experts finally think they've discovered how Jesus and the disciples were able to feed those large crowds with only 2 fish and 5 loaves: the fish was lutefisk! It's no wonder they were able to put so much leftover fish in the baskets. Uff-da! Ja, sure! Ole and Lena were going to get married, and Lena went to the Dr. to have a physical. After examining her the Dr. came out to Ole and said "Ole, I have to tell you, Lena has acute angina".

Ole replied, " Ya, doc, and she has a cute fanny tew." Ole and Lars worked on a railroad crew. One day Lars noticed that the foreman always left the crew about an hour early.

"Ole, whattdaya say we take off a little early tew... yust like da foreman does." So they decided if the foreman could do it, they would too. Ole figured getting home an hour early would give him a chance to fool around with Lena. When Ole got home, he looked all over for Lena. Finally he opened the bedroom door...and there she was in bed with the foreman. Ole silently closed the door and tiptoed out of the house until the foreman left.

Right away the next morning at work, Ole confronted Lars. "Ve better not try anudder stunt like ve did yesterday. I almost got caught!" Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride, heading to Minneapolis. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.

"No," replied Lars.

"Vell don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!" Ole was having eye trouble, so he went to see the eye doctor. "Here, Ole, put this gadget over your left eye, " said the eye doctor. "Now over the right eye, now over the left eye. No, Ole, I said left eye. Now right . . . No Ole, your right eye!" Completely confused, Ole just stared at the eye doctor.

"Now, Ole," the eye doctor continued, "Just remember which is your left hand. OK, Ole, cover your right eye . . . No Ole, that's your left eye!"

The eye doctor was getting irritated and new he couldn't go on like this all day since he had other patients to see, so he took a brown paper bag, cut a hole in it, put it over Ole's head, and moved the hole back and forth from the left eye to the right eye. "Now, Ole," asked the doctor, "How is that?" "Vell, Doc, I guess it's all right," said Ole. "But I vas vishing I could have some wire rims like Sven." Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He was writing an essay about his origin when he suddenly turned to question his mother."Mama, ver did Grandma come from?" he asked.

"Da stork brought her," answered Lena.

"And ver did yew come from?" asked Little Ole.

"Da stork brought me," answered Lena.

"And ver did I come from?" Little Ole asked.

"Vell, son, da stork brought yew, tew," Lena replied.

Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and started to write his essay: "Dere hasn't been no natural births in our family for three generations!

Lena: "Der is trouble vit da car, sveetheart. It has vater in da carburetor."
Ole: "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous."
Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has vater in the carburetor."
Ole: "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Ver is da car?"
Lena: "In da lake."
Ole and Sven were out fishing in the boat when Ole felt a tug on his line. When he reeled in his catch he discovered it was only an old lamp. While Ole was rubbing it dry there was a sudden "puff" and a genie appeared out of the lamp. "Thank for freeing me from the lamp" said the genie. To show my gratitude I will grant you one wish. After thinking for a few minutes Ole finally told the genie that his wish is for all of the water in the lake to turn into beer. At Ole's request the genie raised his hands and "puff", the lake turned to beer.

"Dat vas perty stupit!" said Sven.

"Vy vas dat so stupit?" asked Ole.

"Because," Sven replied. "Now ve gonna hafta pee in da boat."

Click here for more Scandinavian Humor

Click here to go back to Matbird's Home Page