Things not to say to your Pregnant Wife

• "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
• "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
• "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
• "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
• "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
• "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
• "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
• "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
• "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
• "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
• Two words: "babe magnet"!
• "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
• "Got milk?"
• "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
• "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
• "No honey, you're in just the shape that God wants you to be in... in a couple months, maybe you'll be in the shape I want you to be in..."
• "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
• "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."
• "Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."
• "Keys are on the fridge, honey. I'll see you at the hospital at half-time."
• "Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two - but he didn't mean two orcas."
• "Honey -- Come show the guys your Brando impression!"
• "Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!"
• "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
• "Sweetheart, where'd you put that Victoria's Secret catalog?"
• "What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."
• "Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?"
• "Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?"
• "That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin' bakery!"
• "You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive."
• "Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support."
• "Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
• "No, I don't know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?"
• "I know today's your due date, but Larry just got a 10 point buck and that's a reason to celebrate, too."